It’s been 5 years this month.
5 years ago I found out my husband sent and received inappropriate messages from a co-worker of his. A co-worker that I also knew because I use to work there. She was married with a child. Everyone knew me at his job. We had also just gotten married that year in April.
I had this gut feeling that made me check his google account and could hear the voice to text messages he sent her. I could hear him saying these words to someone that wasn’t me. “Better than any fantasy” and “daydreaming about laying on a sofa with you” and some other things. I raced home and barged in as he was wrapping my Christmas presents. He looked shocked that I was home so early and didn’t want me to see the present he had gotten me. I thought that was “funny”, even during the moment.
I confronted him, he looked stunned. Too stunned to speak. I remember yelling for him to answer me, begging him to tell me the truth, is this what it looks like. I can still hear him say “yes” like it was yesterday. The way he said it, the look on his face. The way I broke inside. I begged him to tell me all of it. It felt like pulling teeth. Eventually it came out that they had kissed twice. The last being that very day. The first was a couple weeks before when it snowed heavily and she gave him a ride to autozone to purchase new windshield wipers. I was worried sick that day about him getting into an accident. I had offered multiple times to leave my job and come get him. He had told me at the time that an old man named Carlos was giving him the ride and helping him. He told me the kiss they shared that day was their “goodbye kiss” or whatever. That it wasn’t going to continue after that.
I still think that is awfully convenient. But I can only go off what he told me.
He said it was a mistake, he loved me more than anything. All of that stuff.
We spent the next few days locked in the house with each other. I made him call his family and tell them what he did. Because it was so close to Christmas I wasn’t going to be going to any parties and I wanted his family to know it was because of him. I told my immediate family.
The first day he went back to work, he quit. He knew he needed to get out of there. He got a much better job after that. We went to couples counseling then he did a couple individual sessions. I was always hung up on the why of it. He could never really give me an answer. That he lacked something within hisself. The therapist suggested I stopping asking why.
He has complied with every request, has improved as a partner. We became first time parents in March 2020.
I feel like while he has become a better person I have become worse. My depression and anxiety has worsened. I’ve gained so much weight, stopped wearing makeup, generally not taking care of myself as much.
Yesterday I found a receipt in his wallet from the 6th at 11 am from a takeout restaurant close to his work. He very recently started a new work shift where he is working the same time as his close friend. He said they got food together. He had never mentioned it to me. Normally he texts me throughout the day.
I thought it was strange. I looked back at our texts from that day. I had asked him to send me a pic of his license for something and I see it was on the counter from that restaurant. A couple hours later he mentioned some things that his friend had told him. But no mention of getting food.
I’m scared that I will always be paranoid.
That I still have nightmares where he is leaving me or cheating on me.
Once in a while when I bring up the affair, or need clarification about it, I feel like I’m being a nuisance. When I’m just looking for reassurance. He says he has been trying everyday, as hard as he can to prove to me that he is in this 100%. That he doesn’t know what more he can do.
Then I feel bad. Like I’m stressing him out. And I don’t know if that’s fair or not.
I’ve read comments on others posts from other places on Reddit that make me think I should let it go, that 5 years is way too long to be angry or resentful or hurt. Especially since they didn’t have sex. But I don’t see how that’s possible. I am fundamentally changed because of what he did. The deepest betrayal. What I thought was my reality was a lie.
I just woke up from another nightmare of him cheating and the heartache feels so real. Compounded with the receipt I found, I want to have a discussion with him when he gets home. I feel like I need to hear about the affair again. And the why, and the what’s stopping him from doing it again. Am I wrong?
If you’ve read this far, thank you for taking the time. I could really use some words of advice or anything.
8 comments
It sounds like he is trying and has put in the work to keep the marriage together. Do not let yourself go. Otherwise you will have a hard time keeping him or a hard time meeting someone new. Either way not good. Women needing constant reassurance are not attractive to men. Take care of yourself and focus on regaining your self confidence.
Did you both do any therapy? IC and MC to get to the heart of the matter as to why the affair happened? If not, the same conditions can cause same result and that is probably what is triggering you.
If you haven’t already, read “Not Just Friends” – you can position it as a response to latest conversation to protect marriage and grow trust.
It’s been five years. Having him rehash the details over and over isn’t helping. Poring over details about his lunch out isn’t helping. Looking for the answer you’re never going to find (will he do it again) isn’t helping. I do t know if you’ve had therapy, but I would explore whether it’s worth it to you to stay in a marriage where you’re unable to trust your husband. Living this way isn’t helpful for anyone.
Are you still in therapy? If not, I would recommend going back to it! I was cheated on by my ex (after 7 years of being together!) and I never got the reason why until years later when he told me it was because he didn’t think I would be able to financially support myself with my degree. He left me for a coworker of his that had an inheritance because she had a secure future. This hurt more than not knowing the reason because I felt like I had been punished for not growing up with rich parents and that someone I loved with all my being at the time didn’t believe in me. It took a LOT of therapy to get over it, honestly, but I refuse to rehash it in my brain because that won’t help me at all. It will just put me in reverse and what is THAT going to solve? Nothing. You cannot control over people or how they treat you, but you CAN control how you treat yourself. Find hobbies, eat healthy, exercise, etc. Love yourself the way that you want to be loved. PS: He was wrong, I got a great job in my field and can support myself just fine.
Can you two get counseling? I think you need both couples counseling and individual counseling. This is just no way to live. If you can’t let it go, you may need to split up. Honestly, I feel that you need counseling to know/understand that even if he did cheat and your marriage broke up, that you could still be okay, that you are a person in your own right, apart from this relationship and that you can trust yourself and take care of yourself and stand on your own two feet. I don’t think you feel that way.
Don’t go pain shopping… ever. No matter what you think it WONT heal you.
My ex did something similar with a coworker. We tried for over a year to move on. I couldn’t live with the constant paranoia and worry. So for me, I knew divorcing would be the only way to be truly happy and in love again (which I am now). But it was such a painful and terrible time. My advice would be to look forward, not at the past. See if you can love your husband as he is and take his current actions at face value. See if you can communicate your feelings to him directly and not internalize them with past events. You may need therapy, someone to help you work through the urges to dig up the painful past and to help you see if you can trust again. The biggest point may be you can’t trust again, and that’s ok. Just know that you deserve someone loving you can look at an trust explicitly – there’s nothing wrong with how you feel.
If someone is going to cheat then they are going to do it. Therefore p, you are going to have to trust him. Just keep communicating with him and both be open.
YOU need therapy.