Hi everyone. I (25m) need advice and don’t have anyone to turn to so I’m hoping I can get some advice from the community here..
I’ve been seeing 2 girls now for almost 3 months now.
Girl A: We met at a mutual event and instantly hit things off before flying back to our states. We have basically texted every day since then, coming up on 3 months now. We’ve gotten together a few times since the event, me going out to visit her and her coming in for Thanksgiving and now Christmas (she originally was from my city). Each time we got together, we were basically inseparable and had an insane amount of chemistry. I have feelings for her and our personalities mesh. The only two things that are holding me back with this girl and which make me a POS for even saying are 1) she lives in another state (though said she is leaning towards moving back to my city), and 2) I don’t think she is very physically attractive without makeup and she rarely wears it (aside from the mutual event we met at).
Girl B: We met on a dating app just before meeting girl A. Originally, I thought she was one I had no shot at, but she kept agreeing every time I asked her on another date. She is similar to me in the sense that she’s not that great at speaking about feelings and is definitely more reserved in that sense. It took us 2 months before even having sex. However, as the time went on she’s become more comfortable and has taken lead on the last couple dates as well as offered to pay, which she has not yet done up to this point. I’ve slowly grown to have more feelings for her and our personalities mesh. The downsides to B is she has been hesitant and slow to take initiative and show her interest in me. She lives in my city.
This is possibly the worst time of year to make a decision like this but I know leading both on only to grow the bonds with both will make things even worse. I really don’t know what to do, I just started dating seriously for the first time in my 25 years and have never been in this situation. I really don’t know if I want to commit to anyone at this point, but I know losing both will also destroy me, which at this point is something I probably deserve.
All in all, I never thought I’d be in this position but I am. And I know I need to make a decision and leap of faith before feelings get stronger and the hurt becomes worse. I cried today for the first time in over 15 years.
5 comments
Here’s my opinion as a 24m that started dating this year: The first girl is not practical. You don’t find her physically attractive. A good, sustainable relationship needs mutual physical attraction. You like the idea that a woman is into you for seemingly the first time in your life and that is potentially clouding your judgment. I would go for girl B personally. But hey, feel free to disregard my opinion as its from someone with not too much experience in dating.
Date both until u decide. Ur not getting married next week. So u have to pick one now.
Long distance relationships are mostly a waste of time if you have alternatives. Plus, you aren’t even attracted to her. So I’m not sure why you are even still leading her on the way you are. Time to cut that one out. At this point it’s just mean to continue talking to her unless she straight up says she just wants something casual and doesn’t care that you are seeing other people. As for the second girl, only you know if you have feelings man. We can’t tell you that. Either you do or you don’t. I don’t like girls like that so I wouldn’t date her, but we aren’t the same person and you may not have as much of an issue with it as I would. Maybe keep seeing her and see how things go if you feel a spark. It’s also been 3 months so maybe it’s time to have a conversation about where she sees the relationship going.
Edit: missed the part about you not even being sure about committing yet. Again, that’s something only you can decide if you’re ready for it. It’s ok not to be ready. Just make sure you are honest with these girls about what you want and where you stand so they don’t get invested thinking this is going to lead to marriage. You aren’t leading them on if you are open and honest with them. You’re giving them the opportunity to decide how invested they want to be.
Channeling my grandfather here again.
“If you can’t pick one then you don’t deserve to be with either.”
Date both until B wants exclusivity. You wouldn’t be happy with A long term, as a guy you HAVE to be sexually attracted to the woman, otherwise you won’t put in the effort long term. And why feel guilty? What makes you so sure either of them aren’t dating others also?