Alright, I will start by saying I am NOT married to my boyfriend (25M) of nearly 2 years, but for better understanding, I will refer to her as my sister-in-law.
**I also DO NOT drink anymore. I am 86 days sober.**
Anyways, SIL invited me to her Christmas party on Dec 23. The thing is, I don’t know how to feel about it, and I don’t even know if I should go…. and it is not simple, at all.
3 months ago, my boyfriend’s *other* sister got married. At the time, I was struggling deeply with family issues, social anxiety, etc… and I ended up passing out unresponsive at the wedding, sometime after midnight, due to excessive drinking. This is not a usual thing for me, FYI.
Bride and groom forgave me instantly, all was good. So did everyone else, but my SIL. She said she couldn’t accept my apology due to a number of reasons.
She also talked bad about me quite a bit in the weeks following, which impacts my concerns a lot.
I felt awful of course. (I still do.) And there’s no excuses- I know. But it wasn’t intentional, and even though I understand SIL’s side, her rejection really hurt me. It was very traumatic for me, and I struggled with it for a long time (both her reaction, and the wedding night.)
I’ve been in counselling regularly; I’m sober now, we’ve seen SIL since, it’s been good.
Now, this is the issue. I don’t think I can go to this party.
It feels like a giant slap in the face that SIL would invite me to a drinking-related event after being angry at me for what happened at the wedding. It’s so hypocritical in a sense that I could laugh, honestly. (SIL doesn’t know I am sober now)
Boyfriend is also going to get drunk, he says, and I don’t think I can do this. I know he supports me but if he is getting drunk- it doesn’t feel like I am supported at that event.
I am unsure how to proceed, mainly because I think this might be SIL’s attempt at reconciliation…. even though she didn’t text me her invite herself. And her history of talking badly about me has me hesitating. Insight welcome, of course.
TL;DR:
SIL has invited me to a drinking related event months after being angry that I passed out unresponsive at a wedding; it feels like a giant slap in the face. I also know she has talked badly about me. On the other hand, I feel like I have to go if she is attempting to reconcile. Thoughts?
**ETA**
After reading my post and the comments I definitely agree I am being emotional about this all- I am still working through things in counselling. I agree with many Redditors that I need to talk to my bf and have a serious conversation about how important my sobriety is and what it means for me to protect it, and why this is upsetting.
As for SIL, I think she will understand… I am not sure if I will text her directly as she didn’t invite me directly, only through my boyfriend. If I do go, it will only be for a few minutes to say hi, but I want to try.
24 comments
You could try going and not drinking one bit, just going to demonstrate to all of them that u changed
It’s not a slap in the face, it’s a friendly overture. She’s giving you another chance to come to a family event. She’d have good reason to *not* invite you given your recent history, but she did anyways.
If you don’t want to go because you don’t think you can be around alcohol, that’s totally valid. But reach out to your SIL, explain that you really appreciate the invite but you’re currently sober and don’t want to be around alcohol. That will show her you’re truly taking steps to ensure something like the wedding never happens again.
I get why it hurt you that she didn’t immediately forgive you, but it’s valid that she didn’t. It seems she has now. Don’t mess it up by acting like it’s an insult.
Talk to your counselor about it. If you two can create a plan to help you stay regulated and sober, go for it! If in talking about you realize you’re not ready, politely decline. Either way, you’re not wrong so long as it is the right decision for you.
Congratulations on 86 days! I have a lot of relatives who struggle with alcohol so I’ve seen how hard it is. So be proud of that and keep fighting. I do think it’s a bit early to thrust yourself into that situation with so many triggers and without your boyfriend refraining. If you are unsure, definitely do not go. I do think given the complexity of the relationships and past here that you should explain it to the SIL so she doesn’t take it as some kind of slight against her.
On the other hand, if you can convince your bf to be a little more supportive and not drink, it may be OK to at least make an appearance. With the understanding that it will be quick if you feel like you want to drink. But I would only try this if your bf is on board and YOU think it’s a good idea. If your gut is saying no, listen to it.
Don’t go. That’s it. Reach out to you SIL and thank her for the invite and politely decline it. “I’m terribly sorry that I am not able to come to your party. Marry Xmas! XOXO”. Done ✅
She doesn’t know you’re sober so she isn’t doing anything wrong. Text her that because of your problematic drinking you have stopped drinking and while you would love to attend the party and spend time with her you just aren’t ready or strong enough to be around drinking right now.
If anyone has an issue with that they are assholes.
Congratulations on recognizing a problem and facing it head on.
I think this post should be on r/AITA. Sheesh. How dare my SIL invite ME to a party that I find triggering? If OP wasn’t invited then it would be r/AITA for being mad my SIL did NOT invite me to a party that has alcohol?
OP, news for you, this really has nothing to do with you. You were invited because she was trying to be nice for her brother’s sake. You being there is an afterthought. You made a mistake at the wedding. Either go and don’t drink or don’t go and say thanks for the invite. Nothing is a slap in your VERY important face. You being sober, while great for you, does not mean others should act differently.
You are not the portable center of the universe.
Unless she is putting conditions on you being there on your behaviour or alcohol consumption, then I wouldn’t worry about it.
Getting blackout drunk at someone wedding is different to another event, because its specifically about the two people getting married, there is different expectations for a different event.
but either way the bride and groom weren’t worried about it so his sister can “keep” her opinion.
Go along and have fun, regardless of if you drink or not. if anyone asks just say you are the designated driver. all the best.
Seems like she is throwing you an olive branch. Go if you want to repair your the relationship with her. If not it will never get better. Just don’t drink and behave yourself.
To me, it feels shady. Like a set up for failure or something.
But doesn’t matter at all why she invited you. The only thing you should be worried about is your sobriety.
I don’t think it’s an insult to invite you, just a thoughtless move. Tell her you appreciate the invitation but you’re avoiding drinking-based social activities currently while working on your sobriety, and don’t go.
Your SIL can’t win here. If she didn’t invite you, you would be upset that she’s excluding you because of the wedding. Your real issue should be with your boyfriend. You are recently sober. He should not be pressuring you to come to an event where he plans on binge drinking. That is very selfish of him.
Honestly most adult events are alcohol friendly and if you’re just not in a place where you can be around it it’s best not to go, talk to your sponsor about how you feel about being invited to an alcoholic event. Also tho your boyfriend really doesn’t sound that supportive if he can’t abstain from drinking to make it easier for you. He should know that kissing him with alcohol on his breath could make you relapse, being around the alcohol in the first place could make you relapse. IMO it’s not worth it to go, you should talk to your sponsor and your partner about how you feel
If you are sober and you want to stay that way, then do not go. It’s very simple. You can speak with SIL and tell her that since the wedding incident, you truly meant your apology and your sober which is why you cannot attend because you don’t want the same thing to happen.
You BF, who you call supportive, is not supportive cause he’s going to go and drink. A supportive bf would tell you- if you’re not drinking, neither am I. I won’t put you in temptations way of having a drink. Therefore, not supportive.
Seems like they are trying to put you in a position to fail in all honesty.
All in all, make the right decision for you, not for everyone else.
Naw. Don’t go.
Screw everybody else in the world, concentrate on your sobriety .
Would it hurt to go as a DD for your bf?
I think it’s just a friendly invute. nothing malicious about it.
Although I should add – don’t pin your sobriety onto your partner. Be sober for yourself.
Appreciate that you want to do right by your BF & not sure your SIL’s motives (doesn’t really matter). The only thing that does matter is if/how going would affect your sobriety.
Having been sober for 30 years, will say during early days, the pressure from other people to “just have one” or “loosen up, one won’t hurt ya” was really uncomfortable. That is, until I realized two things…
1. I’m still a fun person, even without alcohol. I can still dance on tables…I just remember it the next day (& everything else everybody else did).
2. Folks pushing you to drink don’t give a damn about you. They usually have their own issues & just don’t want to be reminded of what might be their flaws (that you remember the next day).
Early days, I just kept a drink (usually non-alcoholic beer/wine) in hand. Keeps pushy people away. As you get stronger in your sobriety, there’s something about being proud of yourself for being strong enough to not drink that makes it easier (at least did for me).
Whatever you decide to do, go or not, just be good to yourself & your sobriety.
Congrats on being sober! That’s a good first step…
However, I don’t think coming to reddit to ask how you should feel about the invite is the best thing to do before you have actually spoken to the people involved.
Did you talk to your “SIL” about how you are now sober and what options you would have if you attended? Have you conveyed your concerns about another incident happening? Have you spoken to your boyfriend about not feeling supported if he is drinking or set boundaries about him being able to drink if he wants to? If ya’ll are as good as you say you are, then I think they just wanna make you feel included? I mean— it’s fairly common to extend an invite to someone’s SO if the SO is invited, no? Despite not being told yourself? And if you all are good, shouldn’t it be easier to just talk to them?
To be honest your post already says how you feel. You feel like people are out to get you. Some slight resentment also comes off with all of this. It’s a little bit, I really want to and am tempted but I need others to help me enable my sobriety. I get it, you struggle with alcohol and that’s understandable but other people don’t and you can still find a compromise. It’s coming off as You have to be considered as unsupported when your boyfriend wants to drink. Your SIL has to consider whether or not the kind of party she’s throwing works for you. If you feel unsafe with SIL and your boyfriend wants to drink at this party, you can try and find a middle ground to all of this?
You can say no to events, by the way. If you were not feeling up to attending a wedding, then you could have conveyed that as well. People talk a lot about them having to respect your boundaries but these people have those too. Maybe SIL’s boundaries got crossed when what happened at the wedding happened? Maybe your boyfriend likes to drink to let off steam? As much as people can support you, I have to point out that the bulk of this journey is something you have to do yourself. Whether that’s staying home alone until your boyfriend comes home sober and while others go out to enjoy themselves so you can completely avoid the temptation, you have to also be respectful to not ask people to change their whole lifestyle because of you. They can, if they want to, but should also be allowed their luxuries at some point?
1. You seem very defensive about the incident at the wedding. Most people in social situations that drink to the point of passing out don’t do it intentionally so there’s that. It’s up to you to know your limits and stop well before the point of passing out.
2. Without knowing the reasons she refused to accept your apology hard to understand if she’s being to hard on you.
3. I’m not sure why you’re insulted that she invited you to a drinking event. The onus is on the guests not to drink to oblivion not the host to make it alcohol free whether or not she knows you’re now sober. It may be a genuine olive branch but it’s hard to know for sure since you’ve kept some things out.
4. Why not talk to her? If you think the party will be too taxing on your recent sobriety let her know so that your not showing up doesn’t drive a further wedge in your relationship
5. Talk to your bf about the type of support you need in sobriety. Maybe this early in the game you avoid situations where there is alcohol although that isn’t feasible long term. Talk to your sponsor about other ways you can keep from sliding. Being resentful that people serve alcohol at parties because you passed out drunk at one isn’t a productive or rational reaction
Good luck
Don’t go, as you are right, with your bf drinking to get drunk, he’s not going to be supporting you.
And as you didn’t get an invitation directly from sil, I wouldn’t confront her or even suggest it’s a slap in the face (it might be, but in the interest of fairness we’ll say it isn’t) but I would get your bf to pass on your regards, and tell them that at this stage in your sobriety, that you feel it is better to distance yourself from scenarios where you might be tempted.
It also means that you don’t have to be around your sil for any more of her talking bad about you.
Hey so im many years sober.
Alcohol is all around us and is a part of life. Life goes on. Eventually there will be events you will attend that will have alcohol at them. Wether or not u partake is up to you.
Right now your giving sobriety a shot. Good for you. I would advise against attending somewhere where excessive drinking is taking place rather than say a few glasses of wine with dinner. Slowly putting your self around alcohol (around but not consuming)in normal settings like dinners out or a concert where alcohol is not the main attraction is a great way of getting out and training yourself to go out and have a good time with out the drink.
I kind of feel like your sister in law is almost baiting you to make a fool of yourself again. Testing your sobriety.
Your problem is your problem and yours alone. It sucks to miss out on parties. It sucks to see say your boyfriend go out and get drunk and have a good time.
Eventually you to will be able to go out to parties sober if you want (let me tell you being around drunk people when you are sober makes u never want to drink again).
>It feels like a giant slap in the face that SIL would invite me to a drinking-related event after being angry at me for what happened at the wedding.
what why?
>It’s so hypocritical in a sense that I could laugh, honestly. (SIL doesn’t know I am sober now)
How is this hypocritical…?
What are you even talking about? idk if you know this or not… but YOU DONT HAVE TO DRINK . i have been to places, drinking related and remained completely sober. Did you leave out a part where it said you 100% had to drink”? I am so confused.
Just go for the vibes. If you think people will pressure you.. then don’t go.
But should she have not invited you? don’t you think you would be upset about that as well?
Just tell her you’re sober and you’re happy to show up and not drink but you might have to excuse yourself once people start to get too drunk. If you can manage to stay that long.