As per the title, my wife quit her job almost 6 months ago and we are now really struggling financially.
She wasn’t happy in her previous job, she didn’t hate the job but it wasn’t a great environment, we had talked about her finding something else while employed on several occasions.
Then she quit without any warning.
She got her last wage from them and we got Christmas and New year out of the way.
Maybe I’m over thinking this but surely finding a new job should be the highest priority right now?
She has applied for a few things very recently but theres just these huge periods of time where nothing happens.
I understand mental health is important and being somewhere that makes you unhappy is absolutely no good, but my wage barely covers everything, throw in the usual bills that come around and we just don’t have enough.
I worked a ton of overtime at the back end of last year and we had managed to save a few thousand $$, finally enough for a decent family trip away (we have kids), 80% of that has now been used to pay bills and other expenses, just makes me sad that the family trip we could have had is now most likely not going to happen.
Honestly I have no idea what we would have done if that money hadn’t been there, its the only reason we have managed so far.
I’m just so frustrated, feels like we had finally got ourselves into a reasonable position financially and its all been undone.
I think I’m doing a decent job of being supportive but at the same time I’m exhausted and completely stressed out, yet it feels to me like I’m just meant to get on with everything, I’m sure at some point it will sort itself out but I just can’t help but keep thinking ‘I understand why you did this but you really need to apply for significantly more jobs, we just can’t manage’
I know she is also stressed and if I was to complain about the spent savings etc I imagine it would cause a huge argument.
What did other people do in a similar situation?
TL;DR – My wife quit her job and we are now really struggling financially.
Thanks
29 comments
> I know she is also stressed and if I was to complain about the spent savings etc I imagine it would cause a huge argument.
What’s she stressed about? She’s been perfecting sitting on ass for 6 months!
Are you paying for child care? Pull them out, she can mind them. Have you 2 cars? Sell one, she doesn’t need it. She can drive you to and from work and use the care during the day. Has she been working on your food budget since she’s home? You can save tons of $$ if she’s meticulous about menus and shopping.
If she can’t find a job out, she needs to demonstrate economy at home.
I know exactly what you’re going through. This happened to my fiance and I last year. I got through by delivering for DoorDash while he “looked” for another job. I also felt like he wasn’t putting as much effort into job hunting as he should have been. I would express my stress from time to time but bit my tongue for most of the time. Luckily we had a few friends looking out for jobs as well and one of them was able to get him hired on with her. I wish I had better advice for you and I hope things look up soon.
So your wife doesn’t care about your kids- if she did, she would be putting all her time and energy into finding something so that she can help provide for her children. Why haven’t you talked to her about this and put your foot down?
You have my sympathy OP 🙁
It seems likely to me that your wife has some kind of mental health issue going on. Could be depression. I don’t say that as an excuse so much as explanation — *most* people, when healthy, wouldn’t be comfortable sitting around for 6 months draining the savings account when they have responsibilities to a spouse and kids.
If you two have health care access, she may want to see a doctor about her lack of energy and motivation. Sometimes depression can be treated effectively with some mild medication. Sometimes it can be more complex and require therapy to manage.
I understand that you’re worried about causing a fight. Unless she gets a job, on her own, SOON, the dam is going to break regardless. This is going to blow up when you guys run out of money. I don’t think you can avoid this fight indefinitely… you can only mitigate the severity of it.
Before it gets to “dam exploding, bank empty”, I think your only option is to communicate honestly. You can be gentle. You can use conflict-resolution language by avoiding direct accusations, by phrasing things in “I feel” statements. For example, “I am worried about our financial health. My income is not enough to support the entire family and I feel like I’m in over my head.” is less likely to cause offence than something super direct like, “You quit your job and we’re going broke. You need to get an income.”
If she is afraid to apply for work – which she may be due to any number of factors – look for pro-bono career counselling and job search centres in your area. Where I live, we have 2 non-profit societies that help people get back into the work force after a period of unemployment. I don’t know if those types of organizations are everywhere, but it’s worth a look.
Have you showed her the money coming in and the money going out to demonstrate that you just cannot afford for her to not work?
You don’t have to guilt her about the vacation money, but just explain that is where the shortfall has been made up but that is all gone now.
Seriously tho, how does a partner just up and quit a job when they know, the have to know, that the family cannot sustain on one income?
Unless her job was reeking havoc on her mental health ( which you said she didn’t hate it so…) she sticks it out until she finds another one, like a responsible adult parent and partner.
Heck, at least give you a heads up before quitting!
And what exactly does she do all day again?
This is how money can destroy relationships. You need to have a very carefully worded heart to heart with her. Don’t accuse her of anything. Just tell her how you feel. Be supportive of her but tell her she needs to be doing more of the house chores if she isn’t working. And ask her how long she needs to find a job. I think any time less than an additional 3 months to secure a job is reasonable. It may not be the job she wants, or an incredibly well-paying job, but she just needs at least A job to help with bills.
I’ve always found that having a job grounds you and despite the fact you are working for 8 hours a day instead of doing nothing, you somehow seem to get more done.
>if I was to complain about the spent savings etc I imagine it would cause a huge argument.
Ridiculous. If ever there were a time for a huge argument, it’s now! Actually, that time would have been 6 months ago when she quit without discussing it with you first. But some fights are worth having, and “We can’t afford to live on one income, now what” is definitely one of them.
It sounds to me like you have not talked to your wife about the family finances for the last 6 months because you think it might lead to a huge argument. How do you expect anything to change without communication?
Just show her this post then talk to her about it.
It’s one thing to quit your job when it’s just you, but you two are a family with kids. My sister pulled a similar move on her long-term boyfriend. When they inevitably broke up, it was messy. I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen to you.
I’d never quit my job without talking about it extensively with my husband. I do get the mental health aspect of why she quit. If you frame her looking for her next job like it’s the start of the career she’s always wanted, she might be more receptive. Maybe her working part-time might be a way to test out the waters again if she’s torn on the issue. But, if she decides that she prefers being a stay at home mom, is it feasible to get a raise with your current job or for you to find higher paying job?
Does she have time for job apps or is she doing daycare full time now for the kids?
Talk to your network and see who’s hiring. Encourage her to do the same. Ask the in laws if they know anyone hiring.
Time for being supportive is over. She needs to get her ass a new job. The fact that she left her job without telling you is terrible and idiotic since you had the right idea (she should get a new one before she leaves current one)
If there was something going on environment nwise that she just needed to get away from, then she would have likely gotten a new job fast. The fact that she hasn’t tells me her statement was bullshit and she either just being lazy or theirs something else serious that’s going on that she hasn’t told you (not talking about cheating or anything)
Also you mention not being able to go on vacation now after having saved few thousand. I’m hoping this was savings allotted silly for vacation and not all your savings. If all, then y’all need to keep saving and get yourself a rainy day fund of at least 3-6 months cash for exactly these kind of unexpected events
My boyfriend who quit his job, spent a month or two looking for a better one in his field (business bachelors degree), when he couldn’t find one he worked as a cleaning maid for 4 months until a different job popped up. There’s no excuse not to have a job, it’s a part of life – especially when it’s affecting your entire family. To put an extra burden on you is selfish. Everyone is stressed, everyone is tired, no one wants to work, but that’s just how it is
People, for crying out loud, please stop assuming my meaning. I am not suggesting he deal with it or anything of the sort. I am trying to look at it from THEIR persepctive to better understand all the angles. This makes it possible to try and give the best advice. Ever gone to a therapist before? Does a therapist not ask questions to better UNDERSTAND?!
Here’s the thing though… your role is the provider. Look, society can fight for women to have the right to work but once there are children involved… things change. She might not WANT to go back to work. She might WANT to be a stay at home mom. Biologically speaking, it is the main reason for existing (creating life) and once a woman has children, she may not want to leave those children until they are raised. It really just comes down to the maternal drive of that mother and the financial needs of the house.
So with all that being said, have you guys had a conversation about this? Or are you just upset that it has been this long and she hasn’t found a job yet? Not being sarcastic, but it is not uncommon for a partner to complain about something that they have not actually communicated about. I can’t make assumptions so it would be easier to ask you if you have talked about it, what has she SAID? Not what do you think she meant, but what did she SAY? What you HEARD (understood) is not necessarily what she literally SAID, so think back and try to recall what she SAID; what words did she use?
Let us presume for a moment that my suspicion of her wanting to stay home with her kiddies is the reason she hasn’t found a job. If she wanted to be a stay at home mom, could you afford to take care of the family? I am not talking about nice vacations; can YOU pay the bills? Vacations are nice, but they are not requirements. If your wife WANTS to stay home until the kids are grown up, then you should make a plan to support your family solo and then budget extra goodies and vacations with what is left over. Talk to her about maybe getting a summer job when the kids are out of school for an annual family vacation fund. She might be happy to do something like that but it requires communication.
I can understand some of your feelings of resentment (apologies if I misunderstood your feelings), but let’s look at other factors and define some terms, so to speak.
For all these questions, I want to know who does it PRIMARILY. Who does it MOST OFTEN.
Who cooks?
Who cleans kitchen?
Who cleans living spaces?
Who cleans bathrooms?
Who cleans bedrooms?
Who cleans any remaining home spaces?
Who cleans garage?
Who cleans backyard?
Who manages greenery (plants, lawn, etc.)?
Who shops?
Who takes care of the cars?
Who runs REQUIRED errands (haircuts for kids, groceries, bank, etc.)?
Who manages finances (pays bills, balance accounts, etc.)?
Who takes kids to school?
Who makes kids lunches?
Who puts kids to bed?
Who cleans kids?
Who cleans kids toys?
Who cooks for kids?
Who helps kids with homework?
Seriously, if there are other things I am missing, list them and say who does it.
If you really want help, answer my questions and we can go from there.
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Please understand this is intended to help, so if someone disagrees, please give input for discussion and not hate. I am rarely right, and often imperfect. I only wish to offer any bit of help possible, in this painful world, to a person in need 😊 If I have a stupid idea, someone might have an idea come up in response, an idea which is far superior. If that idea can be born from my idiocy, I welcome the input. Please also do not assume what I mean. I am Autistic and oftentimes don’t adequately define what I mean. If there are any typos, I do apologize.
I think we’re starting to forget that life isn’t all about happiness. Goals are good for mental and physical health in the long run. Life isn’t meant to be about happiness 24/7, it’s about working towards your goals and being able to learn something from the obstacles on the way. How will your wife’s mental health be when you need to file for bankruptcy? Will it have been worth it? How will her mental health be when she works hard now and retires in peace and can relax as much as she always wanted to? It pays off to break through the hardship.
The way she quit wasn’t alright, you both need to inform each other of and discuss any decisions that’ll affect your family. You are right to be annoyed there. One question I have: did you share household responsibilities and childcare equally when she was working? Often women, even when both partners are working fulltime, are doing the majority of the household and childcare chores. Many men only pitch in when asked which still means their wifes have to constantly think about what needs doing or only do a task 70%. (When asked to put the clean laundry away only put the clean, dry laundry in a basket leaving the wet load in the washer without loading the dryer and not putting things away for example). Make clear to her that you do need her to work but if you think these tasks were not equally distributed in your household before include this in the discussion. „You need to go back to work but I’ll pick up some of the slack at home so it feels less overwhelming.“
To quit without warning is really disrespectful to a partner
When you’re expecting them to support you & make up the downfall the least you can do is consider their feelings/opinions on the matter
It is unfair to take time off work to relax while your partner is stuck with increased anxiety over your family’s financial position
6 months is enough time to have had a nice break, rest & build yourself back up for a new job search
The time for tiptoeing around & catering to your partner is over now
I would let your partner know that this situation is no longer tenable & they need to start working full time to find a job for the sake of the family & the health of your relationship
Say it once, seriously & mean it – then sit back, wait & watch what they do
If they don’t step up then I would look to make your own arrangements for the future
I respect the fact that you don’t want to have a huge argument, but I think the time has come to speak to her kindly but directly. “I know you were unhappy at your job, and I hope you feel more mentally healthy now. I also know you have applied to some jobs over the past few months and job-searching can be hard. But we are falling further and further behind financially, our vacation savings is almost gone, and we need for you to bring in some income now. I will help you think of places to apply that will work with our family schedule, but we won’t be able to pay our bills if you don’t get work very soon.”
Keep your focus on being a team—y’all are in this together. She let down your side when she quit without warning but there’s no point in bringing that up now, just stay focused on how y’all can solve this together. Best of luck!
13 hours late, but OP… I feel you. My wife had a mental health crisis earlier this year, a month after she had just gotten into a fantastic job that had us set on financial security for the future. Three months later, and we’re almost flat broke. She just got a new job, which will hopefully be enough soon enough to keep us from destitution. It sucks.
In the end, you need to level with her. I did with my wife. I know she needed help – she got diagnosed Bipolar-II after a week in a psych hospital – but the key is that both of you NEED TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE. Whatever mental health issues she’s going through *will not get better by checking out of reality*. And reality is that she needs to contribute financially, or you guys are screwed. Your wife quit 6 months ago and is still claiming mental health issues? Then she needs to be getting treatment ASAP, and actively working on finding a job that she can handle. This needs to be a line in the sand. I had to come out and explain the exact finances to my wife – if she didn’t get a job by May, we wouldn’t make rent. It finally sunk in, thankfully.
Also… I do find that people who just check out like this are often getting bad support from somewhere to justify it. Friends or family telling them that any advice other than “focus on yourself!” is abusive or selfish. Find out if that’s the case. My wife had some family members who were whispering those lies into her ears, and I think them getting evicted (after months/years of refusing to pay for their expenses themselves) was almost as effective at turning around her behavior as the logical approach of pointing out we’d be on the streets in half a year.
Side note: once things stabilize… get yourself some therapy as well. I know I went through a LOT of trauma when my wife was in the hospital and in the aftermath of trying to run the household solo. Therapy helped immensely, because even if you think you’re doing ok, this stuff leaves scars. You may need to be the “strong one” for the time being, but there’s no weakness in admitting you’re taking wounds and need help too. I wish you the best, OP.
The number 1 reason for divorce rears it’s ugly head again…
She lazy sounds like
What’s the plan? Sir her down n talk about finance. Her mental health is important but your family is also important.
You’ll take double shift and then she’ll cheat on u Bc u never around”
I’m in the same my boat, my lady has only worked a total of 6 months in the last 3.5 years. Broken up though 1 month here, 1 week there, Etc. I’m having major financial problems, behind on rent thousands of dollars. I made her aware of this for the last couple years that I just can’t do it. She still does nothing. So now I’m working 6 days a week 12hrs a day and living pay check to pay check.
What is she stressed about ?!
This might not be the advice that you want, but is there any way that she may consider selling on ebay? I sell on ebay for a living and make more money than my previous job from which I was fired. I sell mostly used clothes which I get very cheap from thrift shops, and flip them for a healthy profit.
Are your kids small? I could see that really being tough to find the motivation to job search if she’s caring for little ones. If that’s the case then it is probably worth paying for care for them one workday at a time (babysitter style) and she uses those entire 8 hours to job search 100%. She needs to treat this as a job
You’ve had six months to brainstorm together solutions for both increasing income and reducing expenses. You have to be able to talk about these things! You can’t solve this single handedly, she has to be on board. She should have made a financial plan with you BEFORE she quit her job, or anytime since. You and her are a team vs the problem of paying for your lifestyle. Don’t parent her, don’t micromanage, but get her talking about how she expects the two of you to solve this problem.
If there are mental health reasons she is struggling to apply for new jobs, then she needs help. She needs a plan to improve those issues rather than dragging along feeling worse and worse because I’m sure she knows she’s letting you and the family down. Show her this post. Your worry and concern and growing resentment are important! And then make a plan together. Get a doctor or counselor involved if that’s what it takes.
Everyone is hiring right now. The new job doesn’t have to be perfect as long as she is making progress in other ways. Figure out what that looks like for her, and tackle it together.
*I understand why you did this but you really need to apply for significantly more jobs, we just can’t manage*
Have you actually said this or….?
Was she dealing with any kind of burnout or depression? This can take a long time to heal from and often professional supports. Have you spoken to get about what’s going on with her health and how work impacted it?
(Not saying she shouldn’t go back, bit maybe professional or medication supports first would be helpful.)