My bf (m21) and I (f20) have been officially together for a month but have been a situation for 3 months prior to that. We are both each other’s first sexual partner.
We haven’t had intercourse yet, but we do a lot of foreplay and oral activities. We’ve been close a few times over the last 6 weeks, but we’ve had a few issues such as his getting soft when trying to put a condom on, and the condom simply being too small.
I feel like he has just gradually become more nervous about going through the actual act because of the small complications we’ve had – though I have to say that at least I was feeling surprising comfortable in the situation despite it sounding like an awkward time.
I haven’t been with anyone else, but I still know he comes pretty easily and somewhat fast (from dry humping, hj, bj, just stroking the tip against my underwear), and so I believe this is a source of his nervousness.
I don’t want to pressure him into anything, we’ve talked about consent on both parts and we have respected each others wishes, but he has explicitly said he wants to or asked if we should try several times, so i know he wants to. It feel like he is just getting more and more reluctant to going through with it. It’s not going in the direction I want and I don’t really know how to address it without making him even more nervous with saying that I have noticed this and that.
And so, my question is how I can make him feel more confident. If there’s anything I can say or do that doesn’t have a counteractive effect.
4 comments
My bf has a similar issue sometimes. I do tell him that I’ve noticed. He’s not stupid, and he knows you’ve noticed, so trying to pretend like the issue doesn’t exist just makes it feel shameful and secret. I just ask him if there is anything else he needs from me to feel comfortable. And no matter what never let him think that it bothers you. Sometimes it does get frustrating if you’re horny and want it and he can’t give it to you, but it’s critical that you always let him know that it’s ok and you don’t mind. Tell him that you’re willing to try and you’re comfortable with it not working out. If it doesn’t work, hold him and rub his back and tell him it’s ok and these things happen. Tell hi he has nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s a fine line. You don’t want to sound patronizing, just supportive. Try to sense his anxiety level and meet him where he’s at as far as how much feedback he needs.
You can also help him feel more confident by being enthusiastic during the build up. Like don’t put on a show, but just be sincere and show him that you’re enjoying what he’s doing with you and you can tell him that you want him in a way that lets him know you’re into it without putting pressure on him to preform.
Sorry to hear about your struggles. Have you tried talking with him about it? And how did he react?
Think many guys Are affraid that they Are going to finish too quick. But no one is «born a champion»
I had a similar problem at first. There were some other problems I won’t get into here, but I did find a solution to the going soft when it came time to put on a condom:
Firstly, not all condoms are the same, there are different sizes and shapes; some are tight on the middle of the shaft, others just below the head etc. Try different ones, try different sizes, brands etc. The ones that have been the easiest for me to get on are ribbed ones, similar to these: [https://www.durex.co.uk/products/durex-pleasure-me-ribbed-dotted-condoms-12-pack](https://www.durex.co.uk/products/durex-pleasure-me-ribbed-dotted-condoms-12-pack)
Unfortunately it’s also kinda difficult to feel much through those…
I got myself a pack of 10 condoms (not ribbed, hadn’t got to that part yet), set myself up for a nice long masturbation session, found some good porn and edged myself while practicing putting on condoms. Edge, condom on, edge with condom, condom off, edge and just keep going through the whole pack.
Next time I was with my gf it was no problem getting the condom on.
If this doesn’t do the trick, you could try doing the same thing but while you’re there. Agree that you’re not going to have sex, say it verbally so that it’s not stirring in his subconscious the whole time: you’re not going to have sex, you’re just enjoying watching him put on condoms and playing with himself a little.
Also, I’m not your boss, if that works and you both agree you want to go for it, go ahead.
Also also, good luck! Hope you find a way that works for you two.
Is he physically healthy? Blood flow is the main ingredient to maintaining an erection. It’s harder to maintain when you are out of shape. Not necessarily saying fat, you can be fit and still have poor circulation. I don’t really struggle with this, but I have found that when all else is going great but my dick isn’t as hard as it should be, I take up jogging and the issue corrects itself.