Hi – I know this title is a little daunting but hear me out.
I (22f) live with a friend (24f) and we’re very close. However she’s quite a bad roommate. Pretty messy person who smokes weed constantly and is very, very bad with money. Moldy dishes and utensils, constant mess I feel like I’m always cleaning up after, and I tend to act like her caretaker when her mental health slips. I would be more stern with her on these things, but I do see her like my sister and I don’t want to hurt our friendship. There have been a few incidents where boundaries have been crossed but I wasn’t in the position to move out at the time. It’s a pretty social space and a lot of her friends come over, which I usually don’t mind because often I get along with them.
I realise as I type this I’m probably a little too passive/easygoing with things. We live in a pretty bad area and I’ve been planning to move out of it for a while – ideally with my roommate because I wasn’t sure who else to live with. I hesitate with the idea of living with strangers because I’ve had pretty bad experiences with it. This was until my very recent boyfriend’s (23m) own roommate had to move out and he asked me what I thought about living with him. Both of us come from out of town and so for both of us, moving home isn’t really an option.
As people, we have a lot of shared interests and both recognise the value of quality time with or without each other. If we weren’t dating, he’d definitely be somebody I’d consider living with. We’ve both slept over at each other’s places, etc., but I realise this is incredibly bad timing for the relationship. It is very, very soon.
Financially, it works out for me and we’d probably live in a 2bed apartment rather than a 1, just for the space. Then again, I couldn’t afford to live on my own if the relationship went south. It just feels coincidental because I’d been looking at other apartments online before he’d even asked.
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
tl;dr: Trying to decide between living with good friend but bad roomie, or new bf now that he needs another roomie.
5 comments
If your relationship is going well and you see a future with him, why not? I’d probably just sign a lease so you cant get kicked out if you do break up
Terrible idea. So much could go wrong and you’d be stuck. However, I moved in with my girlfriend after 3 months of dating. We celebrate our 22nd anniversary next month, so don’t listen to me.
>I couldn’t afford to live on my own if the relationship went south.
Then you shouldn’t move in with him. Don’t put yourself in a position to be trapped and dependent, especially for a new relationship.
Also moving in early can put strains on a new brelationship. Let it grow before you cohabitate, because living together is a different dynamic, and there are things you don’t know about each other yet that might not actually make it a good idea.
Long story short. Find a new roommate or a sublet and keep dating until you’re ready to take the step, not because you’re trying to get away from something, but because it’s actually a good step for your relationship.
Edit: hella typos
This could be a good opportunity for you to break the mom style relationship you have with your friend/housemate, but make sure you have money set aside for if it goes really badly. Have big conversations about it before you go for it, who moves out of it goes wrong? How do you share chores? What’s the policy on visitors etc? If you can get through all those and agree and get things in writing, you’re probably both mature enough to handle it. Otherwise your options are to live with a stranger, which is often a nightmare and can be unsafe, or to keep looking after your friend, who will never learn to look after herself while you’re doing that role.
There is no set time to move in with someone. I moved in with my now wife after 2 weeks of dating. But moving in with my ex 1.5 years ended our relationship in a week.