My ex walked into my bar, current gf (pwBPD) still won’t let me live it down (long)

2 years ago my ex(27F) walked into the bar I (24F) was working at. I was in a relationship with my current gf(25F) already 2 1/2 months at this point.

Current gf and I had a theoretical conversation very early on (she brought it up) about if this situation were to ever occur. She had expected me to completely shut down my ex, deny her service, and give her the boot out the door. At the time, I had agreed because well.. I guess I never expected it to actually happen, I knew it’d make her happy and in hindsight it was easier said than done.

Big mistake on my behalf.

So I’m just finishing up my shift one day.. and my ex walks in. I freeze for a moment. She asks me if we can talk. I motion her over to the other side of the bar as I had a full bar on the other side. She comes over, I ask what she wanted. She tells me about how she did start dating this other girl a month prior to this but they were on a break because she wasn’t in a place to be with someone else right now, and then she starts pouring her heart out to me. She probably talked for 10-15 minutes about how she loves and misses me and she’s hurting over us still. Said she wanted to give us another chance if I was willing etc. I didn’t speak, I just stood there (still kind of in shock) and let her finish. She then asks if I’m truly happy with my current partner, because if I’m not and I want to go then she’ll take me and help me pack all of my things up and we could go. I told her I was happy where I was at the time and shut her down. She asked “Are you sure?” And I nodded my head yes. She said “Okay. Well if you ever change your mind then you know where to find me. Have a good night, maybe see you around sometime”, turned around and walked out.

As I said, I was finishing up my shift so I waited until she left the parking lot and I went out to my car. From there, I went straight to my current gf’s work and explained everything that happened. She absolutely lost it on me, screaming and crying and hitting things because I didn’t handle the situation the way she needed me to. I apologized until I was blue in the face. She had said that night we were done, but took me back before the night was through.

So we’ve been together another 2 years since that night, and let me tell you. It’s been a constant emotional rollercoaster. Breakups and makeups and fighting. I do completely understand that I hurt her, I went against what she had wanted and such. I still feel extremely guilty for hurting her and beat myself up for it often. I’m trying to work through those feelings though so I’m not so hard on myself because as much as I wish I could go back in time and change it, I know I can’t.

See.. the thing is though is that she brings it up every time we fight, any time she’s annoyed, any time I try and speak to her about something she’s done that has hurt or upset me. And she uses it as an excuse for her own behaviour every single time like “Well if it wasn’t for what YOU did..”.

I’m torn because on one hand I feel as though I deserve all the shit she has to throw at me. I sit there and take it. I listen to what she has to say, how she feels, I agree with her and still apologize every single time.. I don’t excuse or justify myself. But on the other hand, at what point have I suffered enough? We go through it several times a week. She refuses to trust me. She has access to my location at all times. She goes through my phone. She monitors my Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat friends, who I talk to and where I go. I have appointments in the city my ex lives in every few weeks and I can’t even step foot in that city by myself, I have to be accompanied by my current gf or else she shifts into this belligerent state and threatens to break up with me among other things. She has tried to set ultimatums and convince me to stop going to these appointments because of their location (it isn’t around the block from my ex, it’s on the other side of town). Next month I start college (switching from online courses to in-person) in the next city over from my ex’s. So my gf is paranoid about that and also doesn’t want me to talk to or spend any time with my classmates or anyone I meet outside of school. She has told me that she fully expects me to meet someone else while I’m attending college and cheat on her and/or leave her for them. I can rarely even leave the house to visit my own family without her having to accompany me because she doesn’t trust me.

The irony in all of this is that I currently spend most of my days home, alone, studying. I barely talk to or see anyone outside of her, her family or my family. I haven’t seen any of my own friends in.. well.. over a year now at least.
I’m tired and exhausted and I’ve never felt so awful about myself.

She’s told all of her friends and our friends about this and she tells me that apparently they all think very low of me for this. So I guess I’m looking for thoughts and perspectives from true outsiders that don’t know either of us. Do I really deserve all of this? To this extent? Where do I draw the line?