throwaway account
Husband(30M) and I (26f) have been together 4 years, married close to 3 and we have a 7 month old. We live 3 hours away from my family. We decided to take a weekend trip to see them, everyone wanted to see the baby and I don’t get to see them as often as I would like. We both took off work that Friday and arrived Friday morning. My parents had a cookout and invited all of the extended family. I am close to my 2 siblings and some of my cousins. We all started drinking some. They wanted to go out, so we went to a local bar. My parents had the baby.
When I was 16,17 I had this relationship with a friend of a friend. It lasted about 9 months. The only people I told was my sister and a couple of my friends at the time. Some of his friends knew though. So the guy (37m) eventually shows up to the bar. He knows some of my family and started talking to us. I haven’t seen him in years. I was really uncomfortable at first but then I was fine. I never told my husband about this mostly because I am ashamed of it. I was young and stupid and really fell for this guy. I eventually realized it was mostly sex and we had a lot of issues. It was one of the dumbest decisions of my young life.I was drunk or high for at least half of it. I stopped seeing him, it messed me up for a while but I eventually got over it. We had an awful relationship as I am sure you can imagine.
He hung out with everyone and from my perspective everything was fine and not weird. Nothing about us was talked about. When we got back to our hotel and got settled he asked me if I have slept with him. I am sure I looked surprised and didn’t really know what to say. I just asked why a few times and eventually I told him everything. He asked about him and why I never told him, I have the reasons like I said above. I didn’t want anyone to know especially him. He was really upset and got into a huge fight. Not really a fight I didn’t argue with him and just let him say whatever pretty much. We almost got kicked out of the hotel then he calmed down.
He is still getting upset and is hurt I never told him. I know I should have it was stupid. I have no idea how he knew, when I asked he said he just does. Idk if that means someone told him and he is protecting them or if it was weird energy or something. Things are better then they were but he is still being passive aggressive, went through my phone. I have apologized 100 times and tried to.talk to him about it so I am kind of at a loss on what I should do.
TL;DR husband is mad at me for never telling him about and old relationship and I’m lost to what I should do to get us past this.
9 comments
So did he think you had never been with anyone until him? WTH? Your married to him and have a family, why does he care? This is the question you need to ask, what is he feeling that has him so upset?
So your husband knows you were taken advantage of by this guy, yes?
Your husband sounds very insecure and controlling. What’s the big deal? That you slept with someone before you knew him? Did he think you were a virgin when you met?
And why would he go through your phone? Just because you saw a guy from your hometown that you used to sleep with, that suddenly means you are cheating on him now?
I would be steering clear of hubby until he apologized, sincerely, and even then, I’d be worried about his anger issues.
What no one seems to be noticing is that your former “boyfriend” is a pedophile and may have committed a felony. Do the math Redditors. OP is currently 26 and the ex is currently 37 – an 11 year difference. If she was 16 when they dated, he would have been 27. That may have been illegal. At a minimum it’s disgusting and may even constitute rape. Was the age difference your husband’s issue? What exactly was your husband upset about?
You don’t have an obligation to tell him all the details of every relationship you’ve ever had. A reaction that extreme was *way* out of line. It sounds like he has some insecurities at play or something, because it’s absolutely not reasonable for him to be that upset over this.
The fling is not the immortality. You seem to be focused on that, and ashamed specifically about that. It’s your body, and you werent in a monogamous relationship. Theres nothing immoral about that.
The real issue is keeping things from your husband. Lying by omission is a real thing. Now I’m not saying you need to give a complete retelling of your entire romantic/sexual history. But if you’re conversing with someone you’ve slept with, your husband shouldnt need to ask you about it. You should have pulled him aside whenever reasonable and told him, or told him immediately when you were in private.
To be clear, I dont know what your husband is most upset by. Its possible it is the sex, and not the lying. But the lying is the objective issue here.
This is my take on it. It is hot, it is likely polarising. It may be too blunt. But I see no other way to present it.
What that older guy did was statutory rape. You were groomed by an adult a decade older than you. You were a victim of a predator, the feelings you felt the result of his machinations.
In that sense your husband is just straight up victim blaming you. He acknowledges that what that guy did was awful, maybe he understands in most places it is a crime… but he also holds it against you that as a bedazzled 16 year old you were taken advantage of by an adult. That you didn’t fight back a groomer, someone that targeted a minor. What’s the difference between that and saying ‘well yeah, but look how you dressed’ or whatever.
And that’s disappointing. Your husband is more upset about his perception of you being challenged than discovering you have had a truly profound negative experience in you life and the ways that might have impacted you.
Just be careful. You both need to come to terms with the reality of what occurred. And if he can’t understand why it was hard to express your trauma then he may lack the empathy and compassion you would hope a loving partner might have.
Your husband is 100% wrong for being upset.
But, why did he ask in the first place? was there some flirting going on between you and the ex. It seems weird to ask about someone being friendly to you at the bar who is so much older
This whole issue aside, I doubt that you know everything about each other. Have you had a previous talk about all of yours and his lovers?
Aside from the ick that everyone has covered about this particular relationship, your sexual past is none of his business. This is a him issue. You did nothing wrong here.