Tldr; my wife is rejecting me, but denying all of the suspicious activity to nothing.
So my (30m) wife (30f) and I married 9 years are trying to work through things. After talking to herd I don’t think she’s to a point of cheating, but I know she’s at a point of her head is starting to get these thoughts of curiosity based on what she has said.
On our computer, her Reddit was logged in and I realized it wasn’t mine when I found her searching a lot of lesbian porn and on lesbian communities and there was a tinder search on Reddit that she swears she didn’t…. Idk she also denied everything else until I showed her….She also says she didn’t read any of the forums she was just looking for videos.
She says it’s just her porn preference and she would never be with a girl. She just couldn’t even though it’s crossed her mind… and she’s not reliant on sex or relationships- she said if we don’t work out she’s not finding anyone else-
-I for 1 am not mad about the porn per se, it’s more that I’m angry that she’s been distant to me but not distant from porn. I told her that and she said it just is easier for her to get off quickly and not have to be vulnerable with me and risk us arguing after (we don’t argue/fight that much at all so I don’t understand why she’s making me sound like I just treat her like shit)
This made me reflect on what is it I’m doing to make her feel like this. And I’ve tried to talk to her and it’s a different answer every time of what’s wrong.
I expressed how I have a fear now that one day she’s just going to leave me for a woman and there’s nothing I can do to compete with the opposite gender.
I told her we need to go to therapy, her response was counseling is for unhealthy people so I can go fix myself bc I’m the problem and then our marriage will be fixed, that hurt btw.
3 comments
I think her porn preference and fearing that that she’ll leave you for a woman over it is a little irrational. People’s porn preference can often be unrelated to what they actually want in a partner. And even she’s into it, eh. It’s unlikely that that’s the root cause of any issues. I’d drop that as a major talking point and stop comparing yourself to something that hasn’t even happened.
That isn’t to say there aren’t clearly other issues in your relationship. You definitely need to figure some shit out, but it’s tough for me to spectate exactly what’s going on in her head. To me it sounds like lack of sex is a side effect of some other resentment.
But unless the porn is at problematic/addiction levels, i wouldn’t criticize or dig into her choices of specifically what to watch, or take it personally.
The porn thing does not mean she’s a lesbian, but it seems like you already know that.
I’m not sure what you mean by a “tinder search on reddit”. Was she just searching for /r/tinder? Cause lots of people use that sub just for laughs. Or was she using a subreddit intended for hookups?
Refusing to entertain marriage counseling is a red flag though.
Everyone else is saying that this doesn’t mean anything, and I’d agree if it was just the porn. But the fact that she’s not having sex with you (it sounds like) and is also searching lesbian online groups, and also says she doesn’t need sex and relationships, I think she might be gay and is starting to figure that out. For me it’s the “I don’t need sex and relationships” part. I’ve heard any number of stories of lesbians who have said “I thought I could take or leave sex or dating, and then I fell in love with a woman.”
I’m sorry man.