I (33F) am in a long-term relationship (going on 8 years) with my partner (38M). I recently quit my job and moved abroad away from family and friends to be with him after a year of long distance. In the first month after arriving in a new country I found compromising messages between him and an ex-lover indicating they met up while I was planning my move. While long-distance he had lied to me about a work conference in a different City, and that’s when he went and met her. I remember it because I had a gut feeling that something was wrong, as the conference was very short notice and for only one night.
After their meeting, they sent several long messages back and forth indicating a desire on both ends to continue a relationship in some manner whether that be an open relationship or in secret. The messages don’t explicitly outline any physical infidelity but in my reading, it is strongly implied. The ex-lover he met also has a family and children, and it is pretty clear her husband is unaware of what’s been going on as well.
I confronted my partner and he denies anything intimate happened, and that the feelings and plans outlined in the messages aren’t what he really wants. He explained that he felt disconnected from our relationship while we were long distance and he sought the excitement and comfort of being wanted. He’s stated that he knows it was a mistake, that he wants to be with me, that he loves me and wants to make it work. We are seeking couples therapy and I’ve asked him to cut ties with her, and he has to my knowledge. He has been very remorseful and it does feel as if he wants to make this work. All his actions before and after I found the messages have indicated that he wants to be with me.
That is to say, I am extremely hurt, confused, and angry. I don’t know how I will ever trust him again and don’t want to live a life wondering when he goes to a conference if he’s having affairs. Sometimes I feel as though I’m being love-bombed and then gaslighted, as I’ve caught him in several lies even though I saw the contrary proof with my own eyes. I don’t know how to proceed, and the fact that I’ve sacrificed so much to be with him also makes everything even scarier.
TLDR; I quit my job and moved to a different country to be with my partner and found compromising messages after only one month. I’m confused, hurt and angry and don’t know how to proceed.
1 comment
As long as he isn’t completely honest with you, there’s no chance of rebuilding trust. It’s very unlikely that he didn’t have sex with the other woman unfortunately. He’s at least emotionally cheated on you, which in its own way is bad enough. But they are adults who spent the night together…
Read [Joseph’s letter](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/) and have him read it too. It conveys why it is important for him to tell you everything.
Also check out the subs r/survivinginfidelity and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. There’s some good resources in each regarding moving on alone or together. And you’ll find lots of people going through something similar there.
True remorse means he feels bad for what he’s done and accepts 100% responsibilities for his actions. It wasn’t just a mistake, it was a choice. He could have communicated with you. He could have broken up with you. Instead he pursued someone else repeatedly. The way he’s acting right now shows regret, which means it’s more about him and that it makes his life harder. So he regrets having been caught. He never planned on telling you and that means he could’ve kept that back door open for the AP (affair partner). He didn’t even cut her out of his life once you moved to be with him, only once you asked him to. Let him show you proof of that.
Once he stops with the lying and gaslighting, which he does to safe his own skin, not to spare your feelings, you can reevaluate if you want to rebuild the relationship.
Please don’t fall for the sunk-cost-fallacy. I know you moved to be with him and I know you’ve spent years building the relationship, but keep asking yourself if this is 1. salvageable, 2. he can actually put in the work, which can be a long process, to regain your trust and 3. if he can still be the partner you need. Staying in a relationship because it’s hard to leave isn’t why you should do it. The actual motivation should be to both not wanna live without that partner.
Remember, you deserve to be given the love and commitment that you are providing him with. He hasn’t started earning your trust back and now is the time for him to give it his all and continue doing so for the foreseeable future.