I 42/f am struggling with my bf 45/m. we have been together 4 years, no kids. I struggle bc he is about “stuff” and I like “experiences”
I feel incredibly guilty for all the unneeded crap in our home. He makes good arguments, but it’s not good for my mentality.
We had different childhoods, he was “used clothes embarrassed” & I was more concerned about if we had a place to live.
I want to travel. I cried the first time I flew, seen the ocean, and got a passport. I never thought I would have the ability, so I never dreamed it.
If it matters, I bring home double what he brings home now. The first two years of our relationship, he made double.
We talk about it, but nothing gets decided. He says i give money away. What else can I say or do? What am I missing?
Example: 3k on truck lift & tires bc he wants it, not bc his are bad. Me: 3k week of super nice vacation.
TL/DR he spends money on stuff, I want to do experiences. Tips on understanding him & help him understand me.
3 comments
How do you handle finances?
My husband and I are similar, frankly, I’m way more likely to spend my fun money on travel (with friends and my mom, in addition to with him occasionally), and he spends his on guitars & clothes. But we have joint finances because we are married and each get an equal allotment of fun money to spend or save with no judgment so it doesn’t really cause conflict
Life is all about shared experiences. No one has ever voiced a death bed regret that they went on an echo trip to the Amazon instead of buying chrome plated truck nuts. This is one of those compatibility issues that can’t be ignored. You are literally fighting for the life that you want. As a divorced forty-something with no kids, it is nonnegotiable that I enjoy my freedom and disposable income by creating memories.
I certainly wouldn’t have lasted four years if my partner valued stuff over experiences (and she’d probably have not even gone on a second date with me if I’d said that I’d rather have a nice thing over a vacation).
But if you’re happy with the relationship and not wanting to throw in the towel, it’s about finding ways to satisfy you both.
Do you want him along on some/all of your vacations, or would you be perfectly happy going solo or with friends?
How are you two dealing with finances – are you mingling your income and assets, or is it a strict line between Mine and Yours?
But if the issue is really just that you have a hang up over that your boyfriend has “stuff” … not sure what to say other than to get over it. Neither stuff nor experiences are morally superior, so there’s no good reason to feel “guilty” over the stuff.