I (42F) have made an appointment with a lawyer to start the process of divorcing my husband (44M). The appointment isn’t until the New Year as that is the only time they could fit me in.

We have been married for 14 years. 11 years ago he had a divorce but wouldn’t tell me who the 22 year old was. I thought we had worked past it with therapy which we were going to restart in the New Year. I had forgiven him and I thought that he was being honest and truthful with me. It turns out that he had not been as honest as he should have been. I’ve recently found out that the wife of my friend was his affair partner and they have all known for the past 9 years. He had also lied to them, telling them that I knew so that they wouldn’t tell me. After having done some digging, I checked his phone when he went to bed as we have an open phone policy, and discovered that he had been texting the woman he had cheated on me with, complimenting her, saying he loves her company, “forgets about the rest of the world when he sees her” and wants to see her more. To her credit, she’s not responded to any of his messages, not even to tell him to stop so I suspect she has blocked him. These messages only go back a few weeks, before that the only other message he had sent her was asking advise over a present for my birthday – he starts the text thread saying that he’s my husband and he got her number from me and hopes its ok that he’s texting her so I don’t think there were any other messages before that.

I had posted on reddit about it and it opened my eyes. My friend and his wife are not to blame. Will, my husband, is to blame. We are currently sleeping separately, though this does happen regularly when he works the night shift so its not unusual for our children to see him sleeping in the spare room. We have three children (8M, 6F and 4F), and I worry about telling them that mummy and daddy are splitting. Both Will and I come from broken homes and we never wanted that for our children. We wanted them to have a stable home, but it’s clear that this is not going to work. While one of us had worked to save our marriage, the other had not. I want to tell the children, because I honestly don’t think I can play happy families with him on Christmas Day. I also don’t want them to hate me for the fact our family is imploding because of their father’s lies and deception.

17 comments

  1. I think it’s a really bad idea to tell your children before Christmas. Just imagine how that will feel to young kids. They’re really not going to understand and it will just feel painful. I’m going to be blunt and tell you to suck it up. Give your best happy family performance for the holidays, because it is what is best for your children.

    I also think it might be good for you to talk to a children’s counselor to find out the nest way to talk to them. After the holidays.

  3. I have read your other two posts. 1. I’m glad you see the light about your husband. 2. I honestly thought he was having affair with the coworker so was a bit surprised. but man oh man I cannot believe he has been texting your BFs wife and said what he said. That is just horrible OP. At least you know E did not engage at all and I am just so sorry. I was of the opinion that he was TA in the other posts but his texts are just a kick in the gut. I hope he gets his just desserts when the divorce is final.

  4. I would tell your kids after Christmas. Don’t want to put that on them right before the holidays.

    I’m happy OP that you finally saw him for the man he really is. I hope things get so much better for you, we are here if you ever need advice or anything

  5. Don’t tell the children until after Christmas. It would just break their hearts. I would, however tell Spencer about these texts from Will to his wife. In case he wants to side with Will on this one.

  7. Haven’t they all lied and hid the affair from you? Ya, husband is to blame but so are they as she was your friend. Tell them after Christmas and tell them the truth. Good luck to you, may you find peace and happiness!!

  8. Disclaimer: not a parent, came from a divorced home.

    > Both Will and I come from broken homes and we never wanted that for our children.

    I noted this on a different post earlier, but what you want is a best for your children. If the experience with your parents’ divorce wasn’t great, use that as a guide for how you don’t want to handle things. You were in their shoes. Think back to what you would have liked best then.

    What you want to avoid is badmouthing each other to your kids. You want to show your kids they are loved by both of you. If its possible, you and your soon-to-be-ex should find a way to jointly tell them. It also might be worth meeting with a family counselor, not to repair your marriage, but to learn to co-parent together and how to tell your kids.

    None of this is your fault. And by going this route, you are being the better person. Which yeah, it can suck sometimes. But it is what is best for the kids.

  9. Kids this age can be eased into it and don’t have to know the exact reason why. You CAN have a merry Christmas FOR THEM as they are what matter now. One of my sons remembers me saying, who do you want to live with? I was angry and reactive~ it was over 30 years ago. What a mistake that was. None of them care today who said or did what. We all get along and have holidays and events together with our new spouses. You’ve got a long ways to go and a lot to get through with custody, school events, birthdays, choir concerts, sports, graduations. You can handle Christmas FOR THEM. He’s in the house anyway so everyone needs to do what they normally do for the kids.

  10. Oh hello! I’m glad you’ve been able to reflect on the situation.

    Maybe speak to a counsellor/therapist for advice on how to break it to your children. Also seek this support for yourself.

    Also make sure you have some idea of the situation moving forward as often kids want to know practical things. For example, will they still go t the same school, which parent will move out and when, will they have to move house etc

    Reassure them that you love them and they are not at fault.

    And definitely don’t do it before Xmas for them.

  11. My suggest is to be as honest as possible with your kids that it is your husband’s fault. Don’t intentionally weaponize them against him. Maybe have a therapist explain it to them.

    But you need to tell them so that they know it wasn’t their fault and so he can’t blame you.

  12. Wait until after you meet with the lawyer. It’s hard to give you advice without knowing the kids. I suggest you look online and see what is best based off how your kids are.

    Does he know you are meeting with a lawyer? If he doesn’t do not tell him. Collect all the evidence you can do show the attorney. Also tell AP’s husband/boyfriend. Even though they did not have the common courtesy to tell you tell him so he can know what type of friend he has lost. This will also make it harder your ex to be friends with them.

  16. Don’t tell them until you have the paperwork in order. And definitely not before Christmas.

    Unfortunately it won’t matter when after Christmas you tell them, they are too young to fully understand, and they are going to be upset.

  17. Get your paperwork in order.

    Suck it up. The kids deserve the world and happiness. Not parents being miserable on Christmas day. Santa is still real to them. (If you do that.)

    They are innocent out of all of this. Be good co-parents after the hurt.

    Talk to the lawyer, and then go from there.

    Good job realizing it was his own doing. How embarrassing for him to be a fool like that.

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