I (also 32F) have been married to my husband for 1 year, known about 2 total. We met at the gym and immediately hit it off, despite the fact that we both have never dated outside our race. (We live in the US.) For me, that wasn’t really intentional. I had mostly Korean friends, stayed close to my community, and usually dated who was around me. (Actually, I have dated people outside my race but they were all very short relationships so I don’t think they really count.) For my husband who we’ll call Alex, it was intentional – he really only wanted to date other Russian women.
This is where I think a lot of our culture clash comes into play… I feel like in some ways, he still wishes he had a Russian wife or at least someone more similar to his background. I am ethnically Korean but raised in the US, so I think culturally, I’m half traditional Korean, and half Western. Alex came to the States in his early 20s, English is his second language, and he is very traditional/conservative.
I feel like I sacrifice A LOT for him and his preferences and lifestyle. He is a former pro-athlete/current trainer/coach and so I help with a lot of food work and prep for him. I know I can’t reach him when he’s training. Sometimes when he comes home after late at night, he is sore and irritable and moody. He loves when I try to learn Russian so I have been studying (but failing tbh lol.) I do work a corporate job, but it is obviously not as physically demanding, and I get off at 5-6pm, and have some days off as a remote worker.
Then I’m thinking, I’m doing all this. What is he even doing for me? He has never tried to learn Korean. He has never cooked for me. I respond when he contacts me, but he can’t be contacted when I try to reach him, because that’s the nature of his job. So what then?
I have told him all this, and in some instances, he agrees that it’s one-sided, he’s sorry, and he will try to be a better husband. Other times, when he is in a bad mood, he says that I married into this life and what is he supposed to do about that?
Another point that rubs me the wrong way is he will joke about how he thought I was Yakutian/Sakha at first (northeastern Russian, people tend to look more Asian than the rest of the country), but when he found out I was Korean, he said, oh no, so difficult, will have to fight with her. He still jokes about that, but says he loves that about me… that I’m not Russian? That I’m difficult? I don’t know.
Anyway, I know this is long, and also about very specific cultures, but what can we do to close this gap? I’m feeling more and more frustrated, but I don’t think he gets it. When we first started dating, we started listing all the ways that Russian and Korean culture are similar, and there ARE a lot of similarities, but maybe I’m just more American than I thought. I feel like I’m giving and giving, and he’s not giving as much. Or am I being too demanding? His job is what it is… I knew it going in, like he said. Is this a “me” problem? What else can I do?
**TLDR:** Husband is Russian, I am Korean-American… I feel like we clash a lot, especially the fact that I support his career and have made lots of compromises and sacrifices to fit his lifestyle. But he hasn’t made many changes for me or even understands why I’m getting frustrated. I knew his life going in, is it stupid for me to be complaining now? Or is he being selfish? Or am I being too demanding?
3 comments
It sounds like less of a culture clash and more of him just being a jerk. And then justifying it by saying “you knew what you were getting into. Deal with it.” You can’t make him do anything for you. Nor can you make him be considerate. You have to ask yourself if this is what you want because talking to him clearly did not help.
This is a traditional marriage, where the woman does the work, including all the emotional work, and all the compromising. It won’t change. It will only affect you, because he’s fine with it, so you’re better stop worrying about his feelings and start giving yourself some support.
If you want to be in this same situation (but with premature wrinkles) in 20 years, well – you can have that, just settle in. If you don’t like the traditional marriage form – start planning your exit
Seriously – it won’t change. A conservative husband would rather divorce than pick up his own wet towel, that’s your job
I really recommend sitting down and asking your husband what he values about y’alls marriage. Ask him what he likes and appreciates. See if he mentions anything that is unique to you or if he just likes having someone cook and clean up after him and sex. If he doesn’t value you as a person then you need to leave. But if you decide to not leave you need to tell him that if things don’t change you will leave eventually.