I feel like my wife does not listen to me or take what I say seriously. We started putting in a pool, the designer made several mistakes. Like we lost a fair amount of patio space, had to move the ac, designer made changes without asking first. So I wanted to stop the pool and have what little work had been done removed. She wouldn’t even hear me out. She pushed ahead without me signing off on anything. I have been asking for months to stop this project, but no. I’m now stuck with a crappy pool design because she wouldn’t have a conversation about what I wanted. She would only talk about what she wanted. My desires were shutdown as stupid, basically.
Now extrapolate this across every decision we attempt to make together, this includes and regarding our son. I don’t know how to get my point across anymore without getting upset about it, because it’s more of her not wanting to hear what I think. I ask her about her behaviors, she won’t answer me. I stopped drinking years ago, she still pases out on the couch. She also likes to point out how I need to change. She also won’t go to any kind of therapy, despite me going regularly.
Any advice on how to get a point across to someone unwilling to listen? Or is it a lost cause and it’s time to move on. 15 years of this behavior has driven me insane. Like I really feel like I’m insane. Just needed to get my feelings out.
6 comments
If this behavior has been going on for 15 years without any real consequences to her, it would be quite silly to expect that behavior to ever change.
There was a bad seed of selfishness inside her to begin with. That’s on her.
And for last 15 yrs , knowingly or unknowingly, you too have watered, and enabled that seed to grow into a big strong tree . That’s on you as well.
Now its bearing the fruits.
That seed should have been plucked away then itself.
Getting rid of it now is going to be difficult, it will have aftermath.
What a little scrapper could do would now need big saws , cranes and loaders.
Timing matters !!!
Something I hear often is that people treat you the way you allow them to. Too often, a spouse that’s conflict avoidant lets a spouse who’s overbearing walk all over them. Sounds like like a long standing precedent is in place.
While I don’t have that issue in my relationship, I do feel I tend to be this way too much professionally. I’ve had people recommend No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Rober Glover and intend to read that and the companion book No More Mr Nice Guy: The Hero’s Journey. Then I’ll know if I can confidently recommend them myself. But maybe worth looking into for you.
***I don’t like to recommend divorce when there’s not outright abuse. People can change, it often takes some kind of wakeup call to get them to do it.***
You can try the relationship 180. Look it up. It’s usually discussed in regards to a spouse who is cheating physically or emotionally, but I think it’s a good alternative to jumping to divorce in situations like yours too.
The other is to tell her you want a legal trial separation to consider the marriage. It’s not divorce, but looks like it in terms of separating finances, co-parenting arrangements, etc. It’s a similar process. And it can include stipulations like individual and marriage counseling. One thing to caution about this one is that the agreement should always be clear that all rules a sexual fidelity that had been adhered to up to this point in the marriage still apply. Once people sleep with others it’s extremely difficult to come back from.
Good Luck.
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Sir, your wife sounds like my stbex husband.
Rather selfish of her honestly. I’d kill just to have a partner that was concerned about our marriage yet alone allow me have a fair say in renovations In our home (let alone a pool!)
(Sitting here 8 years with a broken pool in our backyard 😭). Youre missing a connection and unless she sees that it won’t get better. Maybe getting your point across has to “shake her up” a bit to change.