I just joined this subreddit to help me in my journey towards sex positivity, which has been a steady trajectory for the past couple years. I’ve grown a lot in my attitudes towards sex after a lifetime of really messed up paradigms around it. So I’m really happy about that, and now I am sexually active again with one partner. We haven’t entered any committed relationship at this point, but we are considering it and in the meantime having fun while taking care of ourselves. (We are both in recovery and he’s in a similar place as me – growing towards sex positivity and has been abstinent for a while.)
Our sex relationship is new, but we have been friends for a while. We have always had a thing for each other but things didn’t really line up for us to pursue a relationship until recently. Overall it’s going really well and so far we have only done oral sex and it’s been f a n t a s t i c .
All that said, here we go.
I am a recovering anorexic woman and I have been in recovery since 2019. I currently weigh the most I’ve ever weighed. My body is healthy, and my partner has expressed intense attraction to me, and I was shocked last year to learn this bc I returned to our city after a year of being away having gained some weight. Obviously my perception of my body (I have body dysmorphia) and what I think others find attractive (it’s a broad spectrum beyond thinness) is very skewed.
The sex has triggered a lot of body dysmorphia. My partner isn’t the type to “praise” and I don’t really want him to, bc honestly any comment on the body can kick up the obsession. (He expresses love thru physical touch more so than words of affirmation.) I do have body insecurities I’m trying to work thru on my own. Rolls on my stomach when I’m leaning over or moving around, my curves, do I look like I have a double chin when he’s looking up at me while he’s fingering me or going down on me, etc. All these thoughts can become invasive and make me really heady and affect how I show up during sex and outside of it.
I’m going deep into my eating disorder in therapy to help me feel sturdy. I really want to build a healthy and fun sex life with this person. I’m posting because I think it may be helpful to hear anyone else’s experiences with this and if they were able to grow through it, how? I’d love to hear from anyone who’s had a partner who goes thru this, and I’d love to hear any constructive male perspective. I think it’s likely my partner sees me very differently than I see myself.
As far as where I’m at with my eating disorder recovery, for the first time in my life I am off the hamster wheel of trying to lose weight and am simply accepting my body, taking care of it, and loving it as it is. And trusting my body will be the way it is supposed to be as long as I’m taking good care of it. And instead of trying to be beautiful, I am striving to *know* that I’m beautiful.
final thought: I t’s important I find sturdiness in this on my own rather than it be dependent on my partner. He’s aware of my eating disorder recovery and is supportive, but I haven’t spoken with him about anything in this post yet. I’m not opposed to it but it’s early in the relationship and I’m mindful of oversharing.
Thank you ❤️
1 comment
I’m sure that therapy is already on the table…..which is good. But body dysmorphia is a tricky thing to overcome. There is nothing that HE will be able to do to make you feel beautiful “enough”…..it’s internal work, your work.
I had body dysmorphia growing up, not an eating disorder, but I hated my body…even though, objectively, I knew it was mostly in my head. So, I decided to go to a nude beach when I was 19, and that changed my life. It wasn’t easy….but eventually after seeing maybe the 100th old saggy nudist walk by me on the beach without a care in the world, it clicked and I realized that I’m the only person holding me back from enjoying my body and my own life.
So….get uncomfortable to get comfortable. If you want to try it….start a practice of just being naked at home….watch TV, make dinner, do yoga, sleep naked, whatever….just get comfortable in the sense that you are living in your BODY. Eventually you will stop feeling “naked” and your body all start to feel kind of like your clothing feels now, just more functional than anything else. Then….you. may start to feel the positive things, like how your body FEELS, which matters infinitely more than how “you think” it looks based on some arbitrary societal standard. And hopefully….feeling good, feeling free, feeling comfortable, will lead you to see yourself and your body differently.