Wife (F42) and myself (M41) have been together 17 years, married 15 years. Have 5 kids. Two boys in their 20s (both have moved out) that she brought from prior relationships and 3 kids we’ve had together (M14, F12, M9).
I’m considering ending our relationship, but really don’t want to.
– She can be quite controlling. Basically insists I spend most of what little spare time I have sitting on the couch watching crap on TV. Doesn’t seem to want to go out unless it’s just her and her friends where I sometimes pick her up blind drunk.
– Feels like she’s lazy. I work full time, earn double what she does and contribute financially to the household accordingly so she had plenty of spare cash and savings. She works part time. I do 95% of the running around for the kids (school, football training, karate lessons etc). I get up every morning while she stays in bed and wake the kids up & make their lunches. I do about %70 of the cooking and half of other household stuff such as laundry and general cleaning/gardening.
This morning probably annoyed me a bit. She woke up early and was laying in bed watching her bloody Tik Tok videos at a volume that disturbed my sleep then stayed in bed instead of helping with the kids and school lunches. Also worth noting that the mornings I go into the office, I’ll make the school lunches the night before but will still catch hell from her because she has to drop the kids off at school.
– Wifey won’t attend family events on my side of the family. She says it gives her anxiety. This is something she won’t get treated though and I’m not allowed to advise my family of so I have to lie to them and say she’s working. My issue here is she refuses to get treated for said anxiety.
– Can be a bit abusive. Nowhere near as bad as she used to be. Just verbal, the physical violence has stopped. Again, refuses to get treatment or counselling. We’ve had marriage counselling in the past and wifey owned up to everything. The counsellor told her she was being unfair to me. She said she’d change but hasn’t.
Not sure what to do. We still share a good connection but being controlled and meanwhile not being able to go out like she does is starting to get to me. She won’t even let me go to bloody football training!
Anyway, thanks for reading.
4 comments
You need to communicate all this clearly to your wife. Ask for counseling. She needs to start pulling her weight. At this point she is like another child to you and you didn’t sign up for that. Let her know she needs to become a partner and not a liability or changes will need to be made.
You need to leave
She’s abusing you as you stated and reading the words
>nowhere near as bad as she used to be.
OP ask yourself this question, if your 5 kids came to you and said what you wrote above, what guidance or words of wisdom would you give them?
Any violence is horrifying. Its more so if you’re in a situation where telling friends and family and no-one believes you, that is deeply upsetting and creates a feeling you can’t get out.
OP you say your wife is controlling, if she is taking all of your money and you can’t spend a cent without her oversight, maybe that is controlling. If you can’t pack your bags and leave under any circumstances, then that is controlling.
If the situation is that you can’t make your own decision without hysterics, yelling/screaming or being frozen out. That is more emotional abuse. It absolutely sucks, and it can cause fight/flight/freeze responses but you can work with a therapist to train yourself to have different responses and negotiate different outcomes for yourself.
But there is a good chance you just feel controlled, but aren’t actually being controlled, and you can get out of that situation.
For your wife watching TV, I can see both sides. It could well just be that this is her favourite thing to do with you – even though its very simple. There’s possibly something in the simplicity of it that is comforting. By the same token, I’ve seen plenty of depressed people fall into the cycle of crap TV. Just sitting there with your SO, helps those people cope, in reality, they probably do need to get out for a walk, get some sunlight etc.
I do actually wonder to what extent mental health is an issue here, Tik Tok, TV etc could well be coping mechanisms here.
Perimenopause/menopause? Is the lack of energy new? Just mentioning because it’s fairly common. I went from being the energizer bunny to what feels like a zombie at about age 40. Such a change!