She started working at my job 2 years ago, we became friends, and then eventually became what we both considered best friends. We click on so many different levels, I’ve never felt this way for someone before.
The hiccup for me is this: I was her guy best friend while she had a boyfriend. Nothing at all happened between us while they were together. We started dating days after they broke up. She had cheated on him twice during their 6 year relationship. I’m now worried that she would do the same to me, which is not a mentality I want to embody, but I’m not sure how to work thru it.
Her ex was an alcoholic, often verbally abusive, and occasionally physically abusive (pushing up against wall at one point, raping her once, threatened to kill her). In general not a good person.
I want to say that these are the reasons she cheated, and it would make sense that she would under those circumstances. He was very very controlling of her. But now I’m stuck in my head wondering if she is just a cheater, and I feel horrible for even thinking that. She’s shown no signs of doing that with me, I just can’t help but thinking…
What can I do to alleviate these worries?
7 comments
Are you an abusive alcoholic? Then you probably don’t have anything to worry about.
Treat her in a way that makes her want to remain loyal to only you.
I honestly don’t understand the logic of dating someone if you know their past and it makes you uncomfortable. This isn’t new information; if you’re not confident or able to trust her, you shouldn’t date her.
That said, I’m willing to bet her cheating had a lot, probably everything, to do with the abuse from her ex. Was that the right way to handle it? I’m not going to judge that given the circumstances. But if you’re not doing the same things, I don’t see a reason to assume right away that she’d cheat with you; at least I don’t think it’s anymore probably that she’ll cheat than anyone else.
How long have you been together?
Regardless, the first concern is that you shouldn’t shit where you eat but that’s obviously a moot point.
Regarding the cheating, obviously there’s no way to know with certainty so you’ll need to be mindful of her actions and whether the two of you are compatible. There’s no excuse for cheating though. She could have left. She chose to cheat. Does it mean she’ll do it to you? No. But you need to decide if you trust her or not. If you don’t, this is already over. Good luck.
She will do the same to you.
She cheated because she wanted to cheat. The fact that her boyfriend was a scumbag doesn’t excuse her infidelity. If you continue this relationship, don’t be surprised if she finds a reason to cheat on you.
I think that this is the problem that arises when bestfriends date. I always say that my bestfriend knows my deepest darkest secrets things that I wouldn’t trust with a partner for fear of judgement like this. You two have crossed over from bestfriends to dating and this could be of two ways….
Because of the depth of how much you two know each other your relationship will be that much stronger. You not only heard about her past but you’ve lived through some of it with her. So you know her reasoning and the emotions surrounding it.
Or…
You can decide that this will create trust issues and insecurities in the future and you can go ahead and call it quits.
I’m not one to believe once a cheater always a cheater. It all depends on the person. She sounds like she was going through some tough ish at a young age and was figuring out how to cope with it. There are women twice her age who still would have struggled in the same situation. I don’t think she should be judged for it.
You have to decide if she’s worth taking a risk for. Is she worth putting your heart out there and trusting her to handle it with care.