I believe people with anxious-attachment style should learn to excercise their right and the ability to **walk away** from people who do not show obvious and consistent signs of wanting to be in their life. Not “give the other person space”, not “focus on other things” but walk away, and search for a person who WILL appreciate the efforts and time they’ve put in.
Occasionally you’ll hear a story when “patience pays off” and results in a sort of a Disney ending… But those stories sound like exceptions to the rule, and while we always like to think our own story could be an exception; it probably isn’t and we should act accordingly to that probability.
33 comments
I’m confused by your post. Do you want advice or are you giving advice? It’s like you asked for advice but then you answered your own question. What do you want from us?
That is not how to develop a health secure attachment it’s just reinforcing your anxiety
I went to therapy and stopped seeking out avoidant / unavailable partners. Uncertainty is an adrenaline rush and the compassion you receive from your friends/loved ones when another dodgy person leaves you can be addictive as well. It’s important to understand that in many of these situations you are not a hapless victim, you are actively seeking out hurtful situations.
Anxious attachment doesn’t just appear out of thin air and you can work on yourself to change it. And yes, walking away from people is an important part of it. But so is learning to frame your relationships differently. I find that many people with anxious attachment mostly communicate negatively – for instance they say “I miss you” instead of “being close to you brings me joy”.
I’m not saying that you can’t tell somebody you miss them or that it’s a bad thing, but I think it’s a deeper issue. Learning how to balance communicating your discomfort and not giving your fears attention that feeds them (in situations where they’re likely unfounded) is very difficult, but worth it.
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So to overcome your fear of bananas. All you have to do walk away from people who enjoy eating bananas.
Therapy, therapy, therapy.
And therapy.
Oh, and a secure partner would really help. If the relationship works in a healthy manner – eventually anxious type can be changed. But not by magic. It will require effort anyway.
As long as you don’t ruin everything with your insecurity of course.
Heal your attachment style. No one can fill a cup with holes, not even a secure attached person. In dating people who are anxiously attached they are so busy seeking validation that the relationship has no chance to breath or grow.
I read frequently that anxious attached people should date secure attached, I am not interested. Learn to regulate your emotions, go on a healing journey, be the person you want to date.
Work that out or get a coping plan or strategy before a relationship. People won’t put up with that kind of stress.
I went to therapy after I realized I had trauma related to an abusive ‘ex’ who stalked me online for two years after I decided I didn’t want to date him anymore after 6 weeks. EMDR helped massively, it brought back my confidence and made it much easier to recognize healthy and unhealthy patterns in partners. I also did a lot of work myself while dating a partner with a healthy attachment. In February I will go back to therapy to for a couple of sessions to get rid of the lasts bits of anxious attachment that are clinging on.
Just walking away wouldn’t have solved my anxious attachment at all, and maybe even would have caused me to spiral in some situations. I really, really struggled with walking away because of my anxious attachment, even if the situation was clearly toxic or abusive. Either trauma focussed therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy would be a much more effective and healthy approach.
I think you need to develop a good balance between walking away when someone isn’t meeting your needs, but also knowing when your needs are unreasonable. I used to be on the anxious attachment sub and just… yikes. It’s not your partner’s job to constantly appease you. Sure a good partner will overextend themselves from time to time but if it’s constant and unreasonable it will wear them out. And it won’t actually make you more secure
But at the same time a lot of anxious people put themselves in positions where the partner doesn’t care about them, so they can subconsciously reaffirm they’re not good enough. It’s tricky. Finding a partner who cares about you is hard yes, but that doesn’t mean stick around when someone is only giving you 40% of their effort.
I personally managed to become more secure by 1) finding a bf that actually likes me and 2) getting a grip. I don’t need 24/7 communication to prove they like me. They show me they like me in other ways and I have things to do anyway. Believing them when they say and *show* you they want to be in your life is key.
I’ve had a lot of similar experiences with the anxious-attachment style in my friendships — I did the exact same thing you described in a comment of deleting friends off social media when I felt ignored, or I felt they weren’t putting in any effort into the friendship in comparison to me. I also scared off a fling over the summer with similarly anxious behavior — constantly texting and checking in if we’re still good when she was quite clear about not needing to text every day.
It’s definitely a tough thing in both friendships and relationships, cause oftentimes, people with anxious-attachment are both right and wrong. Sometimes, people *do* suck at communicating, or they let you down, and you can be rightfully upset at them. You shouldn’t lash out, of course, and I learned that the hard way.
But other times, other people just *don’t care about you as much as you care about them.* This is the hardest truth I ever had to face, but I faced it. After the umpteenth time of getting upset with a friend for not responding, I finally realized — the dummy I am — that they simply didn’t care about the friendship as much as I did. Maybe they had a wider social circle, maybe they had more going on at work, maybe they just didn’t feel as attached to me as they did before. The cause doesn’t really matter. Once I accepted that, I reset my expectations for the friendship and became okay with the new version — one with more infrequent, casual contact. It’s simply the harsh reality that relationships change over time, and you can either adjust or walk away.
In dating, I think you’re ultimately right that it can be best to walk away. Unlike a friendship, romance involves attraction and that makes it harder to compromise on how often you communicate or the like. But like another commenter cautioned, I would heed one lesson I learned from struggles with friendship: don’t let the anxious-attachment be the *reason* the other person pushes away. It’s like the chicken or the egg — are you anxious because the other person isn’t responding, or is the other person not responding because you are anxious and peppering them with messages and expressing doubt/fear? I think more often than not, it’s the latter.
I absolutely agree that it’s important to walk away in those situations.
I had to learn that the hard way and I believe that’s what has allowed me to lean more secure.
I have learned my own self worth and prioritized my well being, not allowing others behaviors to take on my anxiety.
On the dates I have been on recently, I go in expecting nothing but hopes for a good time. I can let the process flow rather than have the idea of whether they like me consume my thoughts. Experience really has helped me
date someone with secure attachment and you won’t be shamed for your trauma-induced anxious attachment and it will naturally begin to fade 🫶
I have an anxious attachment style and the best thing I can tell you is, instead of putting the onus of your anxiety on another person, put it on yourself. Seek answers for why you get anxious. Often times, I found that my anxiety was/is completely unrelated to my partners behaviour and kore so related to my own fears and insecurities.
Question your thinking and beliefs. I deeply fear abandonment and sometimes no matter how reassuring my partner is, I become anxious and act out. I have started focusing alot more on restructuring my beliefs and thoughts rather than trying to find someone who won’t ever trigger my anxiety because that’s not true. Life will always present you with people and situations who will be triggering but it is pur job to control those emotions whether that be anxiety, or disattachment for an avoidant or fear for disorganised attachment
Read the book Attached. It has good insight. According to the book, anxious and avoidants are naturally attracted to each other. Find secure “models” people who are in secure relationships. Having friends to vent to helps. It’s a lot for 1 person to handle an anxious person . Don’t feel too bad about yourself! Therapy can help, but some people need more reassurance than others. I hate it when people say to follow your gut feeling. My gut tries to tell me everyone hates me! I’ve gotten better, but I still have days where I question my judgment. Finding a secure attachment style person can be hard, plus you may feel like there is less chemistry because you are used to the fear, and uncertainty. That feels like love sometimes.
I have anxious-attachment style and right now in a process of trying to develop myself. I’ve dated someone for arround a month now. She seems to need way less communication than i do. We had a talk about it and she offered me we could talk with each other on the phone on days where we don’t see each other. I declined her suggestion, as i would feel bad, if we just talked since i alone wanted it. All i wanted to hear was there is the possibility of a relationship in her life, so it’s worth my time investing in her only. The other thing, which is irritating me is that she wants to take the things very slow. I guess i won’t see her friends/family for quite a while. I do trust her. She is in fact showing effort and is very warmhearted when we see each other. I’m trying my best to focus on the good things and keep trusting her. I got somehow used to not talking to her when we don’t see each other and even start to see little advantages in it. I actually start to like the idea of having the time just for myself without any obligatory call. However it feels a little more distant than the relationships i was used to.
This is probably not what you’re looking for but I think you should hear, you have some things to sort out within yourself before creating interpersonal space. The clear giveaway in your post is “I feel like she could change me for the better”. That is how NOT to be accountable of your own thoughts and actions 101. Why does it matter? You will be disappointed and frustrated for as long as you expect an outcome that you cannot control. Whatever she decides or however she decides to feel towards you, respect it and move forward whether it’s together or not. Focus on yourself, prioritize yourself, have confidence in yourself and your place on this earth (hint: your place on earth is not to be the best boyfriend you can be unless if you can live with being a servant to people. You should only be a servant to yourself and a servant to your creator (amen)).
Some might say this is an opinion, but a healthy and sustainable relationship is more about companionship rather than fitting each other like puzzle pieces or (truthfully) filling each other’s voids (compliment vs supplement). When one emotionally and/or mentally depends on the other, that creates a very volatile and toxic dynamic which is the adversary of growth.
Life has a lot to offer, love is among one of them. Do not invest all of you into someone else unless if you are in a position of abundance. Otherwise, you’re giving up all of what little resource you have, leaving you vulnerable to hardships and susceptible to weakness when you need strength. Make your life worth living, no regrets.
I read Attached by Amir Levine several times cover to cover, followed by How To Be Single and Happy by Jennifer Taitz. Both books genuinely changed my life. Things are still difficult at times but I’m able to rationalize my thoughts before spiraling now and communicate effectively.
Through years and years of my relationship trying to brainwash myself. By every time I think of a scary worst case scenario of her leaving I replace it with 3 reasons that would never happen. And as the years progress I am getting better. So practice. But something is wrong in my case, I’ve just learned to hide it better and push it aside. Probably therapy would be a good way to go! And having a partner who has stuck by my side through all my anxiousness and abandonment issues for such a long time and been patient is a real help too.
A couple years of therapy and getting my career to a place where I felt I was 100% independent as a baseline
I spent a looooooong time single, learning how to meet my own emotional needs and self sooth. So that a) theres less need to get anxious, because the stakes are lower and having the person like me back is something that I’d like, but not something I need, and b) if I do start to feel anxious I know how to distract myself/calm down so I don’t act on those impulses and push people away.
I was dating a girl there and have had a similar saga. She started giving mixed signals after our first date… not walking me to my train home, avoided kiss goodbye but then texting me a lot after the date, i pulled back for a while to reflect.
Then I decided I did really like her and just got around to asking her straight up if she was interested or not.
We seemed to get back on track aftr that until she flaked on a new date, I was skeptical but said let me know when ur feeling better and that things work out. She responded with something cryptic which I left go and I went back a few days later to see she was blocking me. I get I might have been anxious attachment (worried she was putting me in a friendzone which I was not going to stand for). But blocking seems completely immature.
Just wanted clarity, totally fine for her to tell me she didn’t feel same way.
Looks like I’m unblocked now. I’ve fallen for her badly but I reckon if she reaches out I’ll have to end it, clearly we have different ideas of dating pace. In my book blocking without notice is just nasty. I might have been keen but I was upfront and calm I felt. She’s a little older so to me it’s a red flag blocking someone like that. Really stung.
I might have this, is it possible that a emotionally unavailable household can give someone this? Like it makes me feel like I might have bpd even
It just happened naturally as I got more experience with people/closer relationships and experienced what an actual loving relationship is like as a comparison. I got more realistic with how I view new people in general. After having been burned a couple of times (lack of reciprocation), how can you really be anxiously attached/worry about new people who likely don’t give a fuck about you. Trust is built up over repeated successful interactions – it doesn’t happen overnight. One or even a few dates is great, but it doesn’t mean anything unless they keep **reciprocating consistently** (dates, conversations, sex) So you give a little and wait for them to reciprocate. If they don’t, then you leave. It’s really that simple.
I also got less horny too as I grew up. As a 20-something, the cloud of hormones is strong. As a 30-something, I don’t give a fuck how hot she is unless she reciprocates and initiates equally.
As a guy, many women expect men to be the ones to initiate everything at first, but the reality is she has to be consistently reciprocating and after a few dates, she has to be alternating initiating (ie planning dates/asking you out). I will not accept a one-sided relationship. For example, I usually wait for her to text first after the date (that I planned). It’s a good indicator she doesn’t give a fuck about you and you’re just a backup option if she doesn’t. I try my best to avoid women who are just along for the ride/experience and want to put in as little effort as possible.
Learning from many relationships, friends, therapy, and lots of introspection (also diving into my mind with external tools 🍋and 🍄 helped a lot, not only modeling my personality through retrospective exercises, but also dealing with many traumas). I’ve developed my self being to an unrecognizable point, so my advice is, if you are not comfortable with your attachment style in relationships, arm yourself with patience, be kind to yourself and keep living the constant evolution of processes that is life.
I stopped dealing with people who make me anxious.
I think it’s good to be self aware and self introspective.
You acknowledge how you feel but you can control how you react.
If the other person is not texting you back in a day, you don’t bomb calling them until they pick up the phone then scream at him or her.
Of course, this behaviour isn’t always anxious attachment, it could also be a controlling behaviour.
It’s important if you are anxiously attached, you need to tell the other person, if the other person likes you enough to put up with your anxious traits, he or she will be patient to help you through …
An anxious attached person once had an experience with a securely attached person and had a successful relationship together, the anxious can become securely attached. So it can be corrected with experience and effort.
Therapy, with a therapist who specialized in helping me recognize what healthy attachment looks like, develop my own boundaries and work with my partner and I on how to communicate our needs and recognize each others triggers. Utterly grateful for a Sponsor who helped me recognize my needs and find the tools I needed.
After years of dating avoidant partners that made it clear they were not interested in putting in some work themselves (read: I was “crazy” and “needy”, so I obviously needed to change), I am dating someone that realizes his attachment style is as dysfunctional as mine is.
When we started dating, we were head over heels and had our honeymoon weeks. He wanted me to come over all the time, never let go of my hand, texted me sweet things day and night and constantly told me how beautiful and loved I was. I didn’t understand he was lovebombing me and I finally had the validation that I so desperately craved in my previous relationship.
After those weeks, suddenly it changed. He needed more space, got annoyed that I texted him so much,…
I panicked and it made me even needier. I constantly needed validation. I got angry, insecure and cried a lot.
Until we had our first fights. He told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship where his love and sincerity was constantly questioned.
We talked about it. We talked about where our anxiety/avoidance was coming from, what the other persons actions do to us and ultimately realized that we had found something that we were both willing to fight for, that we both were in love like never before. And we worked on it.
It was hell for me at first, I stopped texting him (at first it was a bit extreme: I would never be the first to text, because I was afraid it would be too much), I didn’t see him as much anymore and I gave him time when he needed it.
On the other hand, we agreed that if I need validation, I will just ask for it. And we made sure that the time we spend together is meaningful.
It sucked for him, it sucked for me. But we got used to it. We learned to be a bit more secure in our attachment.
For me this means: I trust that his validations are truthful and I know he loves me, even if we are apart or if I haven’t heard from him a few hours.
And for him this means: He trusts that I won’t smother him and that I will give him space and distance when needed.
We keep each other in line too. When I’m asking for too much validation (without realizing it, mostly when I’m tired or stressed) he will put me in my place and tell me it’s enough. When he’s too distant and unable to validate me even a little bit, I will tell him that too.
Sure, we still fight and have our issues with (lack of) communication. He still shuts me out from time to time and I still turn into a needy, insecure, whiny b**** now and then. But we know it’s coming from childhood hurt, not from bad intentions or lack of love.
If I would’ve walked away the moment he started pushing me away, I never would have learned what I have now. I really believe the best way to heal your wounded attachment is to be in a relationship (with mutual respect) and do the work.
For me therapy didn’t work. It only made me more miserable and angry.
Learning about attachment styles and patterns on the other hand, helped me massively.
I had no idea why I was always so hurt when a partner needed space, or why I would get so frustrated and panicky if they didn’t respond to texts right away. Reading about the attachment styles really cleared that up and made me realize it’s just a pattern. Patterns can be fixed. (For example: therapists would only enable me and tell me I was right to demand so much attention)
Although I won’t deny it’s tough to learn how to regulate your emotions if you grew up in an emotional unsafe environment, it’s not impossible.
For me the hardest thing to get over, was the self pity. I could spend days crying about how someone hurt me in the past “why would they do that to me, I feel so hurt, why won’t they just validate me and do what I want, waaaaah”.
It’s my job to control my emotions, not that of others. And neither is it my job to control their emotions.
(And yes, if someone isn’t willing to validate your feelings now and then, or isn’t willing to stand by your side when times get tough, run as fast as you can. But you can’t expect from people that they’re always perfect, nor that they constantly push aside their own needs just so you won’t get hurt)
(Sorry if I made mistakes, English is not my first language and typing out long explanations is challenging)
Trust building over time. It really just comes down to getting to a point where I can trust my partner no matter what. Having a partner that is understanding, patient, and honest is what got me to a much healthier spot mentally.
Lots of therapy and completely fixed my confidence before settling down again.
Used to be with an avoident man who I could never trust, a lots of that stemmed from low confidence.
You get therapy. If you aren’t happy with your attachment style, find out the root of the problem.
I went from anxious to avoidant so…..don’t ask me