Hello. English isn’t my first language, and my mind is all over the place, so I am really sorry if the rest of the post is hard to read and / or understand.
For full context, I (18M) just started college in October and am already attached / crushing on a girl that probably almost doesn’t know that I even exist. And so I realised a pattern.
Since I was younger (10-11 or so), I start for example to like a girl and then feel like I got a crush on them. Or I really do. I don’t even know what crushing on someone feels like anymore. Sometimes it’s 2 crushes, even 3 at a time, for a short period of time tho. But to continue what I started… I get a crush on a girl, and start to fantasise (not NSFW) about them and create an image of them, how they really are and stuff. I idolise them without even knowing them. Then I interact with them and it sometimes happens that they aren’t as my mind portrayed them (duuuuh). They aren’t rude or stuff like that, but they just don’t match with the vibe what I imagined. So I think of them lower than before, like they wronged me or stuff, that until a new interaction occurs and they act like I imagined them the first time, so I am again crushing on them, or at least think obsessively about them when I ain’t even thaaat interested in them, and so the cycle continues.
Now, given the background, here I am again in college (first year) , fantasising about this girl (sophomore year) I irl talked to just 2 times. She doesn’t even know my name and my existence is probably forgettable to her, but for the last week I couldn’t stop thinking about her. She’s beautiful, so it may be just lust, but it ain’t like she is a supermodel or something. I obsess over the image I involuntary make about her in my head. And I don’t like it. I know I’ll mess up if I try anything with her, because I am overthinking and obsessing. I was part of some activities she’s kind of the organiser of and the only motivation for me to do my chores was the validation I could get from her. She lost her entrance card for the dormitory last Friday, she posted about it on Facebook and I felt like I needed to find it. So 6 hours later after I finished classes (and she 100% already found her card, she didn’t update her post, s’why I couldn’t really know for sure) I got outside and searched the campus with a flashlight during the dark just in the hope I’d find and give the card back to her. I am that desperate and hopeless.
So as you can see, I overthink and obsess about girls I barely interact with, then act irrationally and repeat the cycle, hurting both parties in the end (or for the most part only me). It’s not healthy. It’s mad insane. I want advice. I can’t live like this anymore. The only stuff I could think of is that I search for validation by making grand gestures and that’s the only thing that makes me feel better about myself and more confident. It’s like I yearn their attention, like a little kid does by showing their parents a drawing or so.
And as I said, I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t see a future this way. Please help me, and if you got here, thank you for reading.
21 comments
I think you’re having friend crushes –
If all of the imaginations are platonic like you say, it is a friend crush. :]
When you surround yourself with people you feel good around you begin to really admire them. Since you aren’t a girl (or aren’t on your way to being one I guess Lol) you can’t really ‘copy’ the way they are or their style, so you’re left with the happy images of them doing what you assume that they do and trying to impress them and/or connecting some other way.
The only wrong part of the ‘image’ you make is that they don’t sound completely human. You can genuinely find someone intriguing but you should be alert on their possible flaws and the possibility they might not like you. And that that in itself is their choice, that lies within their brain. Give your imaginations a brain and calm down a bit and you’re golden 👍
I will give my point of view of what i think of whats happening here. I think that you in your own mind think of yourself little . Thats why you are obsessing over others. I was in one phase of life like that but then i learned that why i am the one always obsessing.
WORK ON YOURSELF.
Let others obsess over you. Once you work on yourself the perfect love will come to you and even if you obsess over someone you wont be dragged that much because you know about your worth too. I hope i could convey my point!
Puberty? You’ll grow into it
I think this is a normal phase depending on age. I did this all the time with boys. I ended up finally in a relationship with one that I had obsessed over, and it was very unhealthy.
My advice is to practice remembering that they have deep imperfections like everyone else. Their s*** stinks, they have infuriating opinions, and they have hurt someone (psychologically at least) before. Not to say that they’re bad—but they’re very human and unique like the rest of humanity. Even if they are pretty, smart, funny, kind, and strong.
This is very normal for 18. I remember obsessing about guys and living full on fantasy lives in my head. It’s probably because the prospect of dating is so new and exciting. 🙂
if it’s tearing you apart like this, it might be helpful to talk to a mental health professional or school counselor if you are able. i’m not saying you should look to be diagnosed with anything, just talk about it. they are neutral third parties and should not judge you. if they do judge, don’t talk to that person. i hope you can find your way through this, good luck!
It’s okay to have crushes dude. That’s like… how the human brain works.
Yes, even obsessing a bit is normal. It doesn’t mean you don’t need to reign it in. Keep your mental health in check, but the fact this is happening at all is NOT weird. This is basic crushing.
They way to subvert it is by talking to them and inviting them to hangout. You have this fantasy outlet because your aren’t able to enjoy the real thing. The solution is to enjoy the real thing.
Have fun! And good luck.
I think it’d be better for you to listen to advice on this from other women, because i really don’t think the men in this subreddit are able to give you legitimate insight on this.
And go easy on yourself
I’ve experienced exactly what you’ve written and I well and truly know how much of a pain it can be. Honestly the best thing to do is twofold
1. Work up the courage to ask her out. Don’t overthink it. Just try to get to know her and ask her questions. Use any means necessary but don’t stalk or creep.
2. Make yourself into the person you think is boyfriend material. You can do this independently of 1. Work on yourself basically until you aren’t bound to the views of another person.
You are putting these ladies on a pedestal and you shouldn’t. We should be worshiping God not people. It’s like worship almost. If you follow the scripture and God you would understand you shouldn’t be doing this to any man or woman. Religious people don’t have this problem. I can and do approach all kinds of women without any issues why? Because I know they are as flawed as I am and as imperfect as I am. They are born. They grow old. And they die.
This sounds like limerence. Look it up and read what the internet says about it. Maybe find a therapist to discuss it with. Then you can decide what you want to try to do about it, if anything.
Honestly, it’s probably because you’re not interacting with them enough. There’s a lot to like about people from a distance, ya know? When I was younger, I was “in love” with one girl. The feeling I would get when she entered the room made me all kinds of stupid, dude.
…until we spoke. 🤷🏻♂️ She wound up being complete garbage of a human being.
You’re young now, but if this behavior persists later in life it may be a good idea to question deeper why you’re seeking such validation. Otherwise, it’s good news that you realize how these grand gestures AREN’T the way forward. Work on yourself and their attention will come naturally. Learn how to talk with people too, you will stop putting random women on this pedestal. For those who you’re genuinely interested in, it doesn’t hurt to learn how to approach them and about flirting in general. You’re in a good spot, man. Time to course-correct.
Look up limerence
You just need to get out there and meet people. You need to go all the way with a girl in order to understand all the process. This is not you crushing on every girl. This is just your brain filling in tje gap of knowledge you have.
Given that you don’t know what happens, the brain will associate all sort of emotions with those thoughts. You feel like youre crushing on this girl but end of the day its just your brain making up for your lack of experience.
I feel like I’m really in the same boat as you, or was at least. I obsess over anyone I remotely like, even tho 9/10 I barely know them, and if I know them better I know I wouldn’t have a chance or it wouldn’t work out. I really tried to stop doing it, and was somewhat successful, untill this week where it got the worst it’s ever been. Basically there’s nothing else on my mind and I get shivers thinking about them, it literally ruined my eatlust for example. It sucks, but no clue how to stop. I guess it’s similar to an addiction really, you know you want to and should stop, but you can’t.
Sometimes the fantasy of an impossible relationship is a safe way to engage in romantic/sexual relationships before you really feel ready for the real thing. It’s extremely common.
Transitioning from the idea of it into the reality is a struggle for everyone and it sounds like you’re ready for the transition but you’re maybe just struggling a bit more than you think others are.
It could help to recognize this is a transitory period of growth and it will pass, so be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that your private thoughts are private and there’s no reason to feel angry with yourself for having thoughts. It’ll help to accept them for what they are while simultaneously acknowledging you want to move past these thoughts. Your brain is rehearsing for when you’re actually in these scenarios, maybe try rehearsing beyond just the pleasurable things. Try rehearsing her revealing a quality you don’t like and practice reacting in a way you feel proud of and reflects the person you want to become. Rehearse someone you aren’t interested coming onto you and how you’d react in a way you’d want someone to treat you if you were in the receiving end of these things. Rehearse asking someone out and having an ideal response then practice it with less ideal responses. Remember that nothing will go the exact way you play it out in your head but that is okay- you’ve rehearsed these in order to become better at thinking on your feet while staying true to the person you want to be. You got this and everything you’re experiencing is not unusual at all. Good on you for being some reflective on your thoughts and acknowledging the changes you want to make for yourself. Best of luck!
Hey. Two things.
Your uncontrollable urges are human, and they are generated because cumming is fucking awesome.
Second, read a book called Models. It will essentially give you a blueprint on how to pair yourself with people, but first and foremost how to be someone anyone would want to pair with .
When I had my first kid. The primal urges or reproduction had me wanting to dump barrels into every suitable host my eyes saw. The irrational bullshit is quite human in my eyes.
This is a clear sign that you have low self esteem. I know cause i am the EXACT same way. you gotta forgive yourself for being like this with girls. You were probably deprived of validation as a child and have low self esteem that stems from childhood and that is why you obsess over validation from girls. again i know because i am the EXACT same way and i mean EXACTLY. Ultimately you have to look inwards to truly address the root cause of your low self esteem and I hope you can see that at this point.
Meditate, heal the inner child, go to therapy, become aware of your emotions, learn to love yourself instead of seeking the cheap substitute that is external validation.
to put it as simply as i can,
why do you do it: you have an attitude of scarcity.
how to stop it: adopt an attitude of abundance instead.
I think everyone goes through this at some point. I was a late bloomer and didn’t go through this until 22, and it didn’t really happen fully until even 24-25.
I remember all my friends got crushes in grade school/high school and I never did and they thought I was weird. Then it finally happened and I obsessed over some people.
I did grow out of it though. I found out that they are…just people. They are not some mystical being haha, it’s just a dude (in my case). They fart, poop, belch, swear, and do things that were kind of messed up (I was attracted to the wrong type of guy a few times).
Even for the nicer guys though they were just people. One smoked and was really flakey even though he was nice, another had anger issues out of nowhere, after being fine initially.
I learned that its’ not good to see people in the way they are not, because then it helps you find someone who will make you feel loved and happy. 🙂
Edit: one day you will find someone and indeed they will have flaws, but it will be okay because they are actually a good person with regular human flaws we all kind of have, instead of dating someone with major red flags through rose-tinted glasses.
Get help lol.