I cannot believe I am writing this, but here we go. I have developed a very real and intense crush on a co-worker and I have no idea what to do.
My boyfriend (29m) is the love of my life, and I truly cannot imagine spending my life with anyone other than him. I have spent my entire 20s with him (we have been together 7 years), and it is basically implied when are both more financially stable, that we will get married and have kids and a minivan and pet hamsters.
However, one issue I have seen sort of seep throughout our relationship was that him and I are very different people. I always wondered if that would ever come to bite me in the bum, but because we had so much chemistry and connection, I figured it just made us very interesting as a couple. Another thing is that he is my first and only boyfriend, and I have no dating or sexual experiences aside from him (discounting one shitty ONS from when we weren’t yet exclusive yearrrrs ago).
This never bothered me or gave me FOMO, because I was genuinely so attracted to him physically and mentally and loved spending all my time with him. I had plenty of opportunities to date and have sex when I was single, but never could really get myself to do it because other men icked me out, I never felt attraction, everything always felt off. He was the only person to ever really break that mold and get me to feel those feelings, so I didn’t ever wonder if I would regret only being with him, because I only ever \*wanted\* him in the first place.
If i’m being honest, things in the intimacy department started to change overtime. It was always good, and I always felt that attraction, (I still do!) but it started to feel like he just wasn’t really interested in it anymore, and this surprised me because our relationship was very sexual the first two years. It wasn’t obvious in the beginning when the decline started, but I came to realise that it stopped being important to him and I was the only one really ever initiating it. It didn’t really seem like a priority for him, and writing this now, the thought he would ever try to seduce me or make me feel attracted, kind of seems impossible.
About three years ago I mentioned it for the first time and told him that we need to spice things up, and he agreed, but nothing came of it. Since then, it gets progressively worse, he gets progressively more uptight around sex, and although I wouldn’t say we have sex rarely, (about once a week, sometimes rarer, but the average is 1xweek), it is always me initiating it and him basically acting asexual apart from the moments we actually have sex (which are still good), and then it’s like we are best friends again, but not passionate in a relationship. He doesn’t really care for romance, he never really did, but it didn’t bother me too much back then, but now I notice it more. His default answer when I ask to do things more romantic/sexual/sensual, or also more young and fun like going out, is no. He only really cares about his job and his sport, and everything else seems like it’s too hedonistic or trivial. I keep bringing this topic up almost every 7 months or so, and although he agrees it’s a problem, nothing changes.
What’s conflicting is that our relationship has gotten better the last few years. There is so much trust, solidity, proper communication, companionship. He tells me so often how much he values me, appreciates me, loves me and we still have the absolute best time together. But that’s the catch: it feels for me like we are best friends, companions, an old pensionist loving couple, but not a fun couple in our 20s. And I have grown to resent that.
Well, about 5 months ago I ran into a guy at work I knew loosely, at a company event, and we had a pretty chill time chatting. He is the antithesis of my bf, a loose party type, tattoos, a writer…whereas my bf is the smart nerdy hunk you want to bring home to your mum. I kind of got the feeling he was into me, but I just played that off and never thought about it again. I kept seeing him around and he kept sort of creeping into my life more and more, and I started to notice that I enjoyed his presense, and he made me feel good about myself. He followed me on my social media, and would write me every now and again. Absolutely nothing shady, but still, I started to lean into it. A few days ago I saw him at another work event and he came to gave me a hug as a hello, and for the first time in my life I felt this sort of spark…I never felt that before meeting my bf, like I mentioned, men would ick me most of the time.
This spark terrified me and I at that point did everything I could to avoid him. Also out of respect for my bf. I take that respect very seriously. But it’s hard to avoid him at work, and I see him often and recently met up with him for coffee, and I realized that I was really into him and felt a real sexual attraction to him. He told me he was moving apartments, and to make matter worse, it just so happens he is moving into a building two houses down from me.
Admittedly, I write with him more often and meet up for coffee multiple times a week with him, and everytime I am around him, all I want to do is rip his clothes off. He is passionate, exciting and just…different. I feel like a woman around him and I feel like he is sort of giving me what I am lacking. I feel so guilty, I feel terrible, and I hate myself for doing this. I know I am not cheating, but it feels wrong. And honestly, I feel like if I were ever in a room alone with him, I am not sure how much control I would have, and so I am basically back on the mission to avoid him at all costs again.
This is not who I am, and I have never ever experienced something like this before. I want to make things work with my bf, the man I love and want to spend my life with. But I don’t know what the solution here is. Help.
TL;DR: As someone who was only ever attracted to her BF but after years of intimacy and passion not being a priority, I suddenly feel attraction to a co-worker and don’t know what to do.
15 comments
This has to be difficult for you but, it sure seems like you already know the reasons maybe you should take a break from your current boyfriend and see what is out there. I’ve been with my wife for 30 years (married 27) and I still feel that spark with her- that’s how it should be 🙂
Do you think one day you might look back and regret staying? If so, break up with him. These issues likely won’t disappear, that resentment will likely build, and eventually you will wake up and realize you’re ready to leave, but now you’ve wasted 6 more years that could have been spent meeting the person that actually makes you excited about the future with them. This man too, you’ll likely think ‘what if’ about, and feel that regret. If you don’t think you’ll regret staying with him, and you actually DO want to be with him and put in the work to improve things, start couples counseling and stop meeting this guy for coffee. You are stuck in a fantasy about what could be, which likely is not what the reality would be. Either way I would sit down with your partner and discuss these concerns/feelings that you are having. See if he’s receptive and willing to put in the work necessary to improve things.
I’m sorry but aren’t you cheating? Emotionally? You know he’s interested. He absolutely knows you’re interested. And while you initially decided to avoid him, now you’re meeting him ‘multiple times a week’.
Just because your haven’t made this physical doesn’t mean you’re not cheating. You’re actively betraying your bf. Entertaining another man’s advances, to specifically feel that sexual connection.
This isn’t a judgment, they’re simple facts.
You now have to decide whether to tell your bf how you’re feeling about this man and look to change things or continue to deceive him and keep edging closer to something you can never return from.
You’re already cheating. (I’ve always known women love a bad boy) tell you’re guy so you can just break up🤷. The whole situation is stereotypical. You’re gonna physically çheat eventually. Don’t bring you bf down with you.
You probably do have FOMO and not having had any other partners. If you have been in a long-term relationship, the sexy/honeymoon stage doesn’t last forever, and at times, you may have to work at staying connected romantically/sexually.
Then, at a time when you may be feeling neglected (romantically/ sexually), along comes this shiny new object. Someone who you only see in the best of lighting, someone who hasn’t had time to bore you and you think “Maybe this guy is BETTER for me”.
But the thing is, the appeal is, that you dont know him. You havent washed his dirty underwear, he hasnt seen you sick with the flu. Would he stick by your side for 8 years? Be faithful to you? Be all the things your long-term boyfriend has been?
In your mind, he can be the perfect guy, only because you are imagining him to be all the things you perceive as lacking in your current relationship. But you dont know, in reality, if he has any of these qualities. You are just projecting.
Better for you to invest your energies in your current relationship, given that you seem to think he has many fine qualities and makes for an ideal companion.
I think the best thing for now is to take a break from both your boyfriend and your co-worker.
Tell your boyfriend you need some space for yourself and that you need time to self-reflect on a few things.
Tell your coworker you can’t keep meeting up with him for coffee and you need some space.
It’s hard to have your thoughts straight when you’re *in the situation.* Take a step back and examine your life and desires.
Therapy is always my go-to, it’s a safe place where you can actually examine what’s happening in your life and have a different perspective to chime in.. I think this would benefit you and help with the stress of the situation.
Personally, I think you already answered your own question. This co-worker “filled in” a desire your relationship is lacking. Any relationship is never going to be 100% to your desire, so you have to figure out who is offering more. Are you leaving a perfectly good 80% person for someone who is offering less? Or is the coworker, in your scenerio, actually going to meet your needs more ? Really, the only person that can answer that is you. However I would strongly suggest taking that step back and giving yourself headspace.
Don’t rush things, give yourself time to think.
I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Rightly so this is a dangerous crush. You may have not physically cheated on your bf but does your bf know that you’re communicating with your male coworker on social media and meeting up for coffee? If he doesn’t then surprise you’re already cheating. Leaning on this path doesn’t usually end well as it just starts with a coffee and next you pass through his house for a chat on your way home, then you are in a compromising situation with your coworker 2 houses down.
You have to make up your mind what you want and be open and honest to your boyfriend. Your coworker is a shiny new toy and is he worth losing your long term relationship for? If so put this in consideration and let your boyfriend go without physically cheating on him.
If you love and respect your boyfriend then close communication with your coworker respectfully.
Stop meeting for coffee.
That’s not to stay that you are required to stay with your boyfriend, but STOP FEEDING THE “CRUSH”. At this point, I would call it an emotional affair, actually.
>I take that respect very seriously
That doesn’t seem to be the case, if you’re literally going on dates with him. You want to sleep with him, he’s into you, and you’re meeting regularly one-on-one. Those are dates.
New guy is filling a space you were missing. So either work with boyfriend on filling that space, and communicating about sex, or break up with him. Sometimes good relationships still need to end when there are insurmountable challenges or incompatibilities. Fix them, or break up. But cease the affair, because that’s what this is, and you know it.
This is more than a crush, you have nurtured your attraction to this man by providing him with focused attention. You’ve already played out in your mind sex scenes with him, and assigned attributes of his being passionate and exciting based on a few conversations.
It seems like a kiss is coming, because it usually does in these situations.
>My boyfriend (29m) is the love of my life, and I truly cannot imagine spending my life with anyone other than him. I have spent my entire 20s with him (we have been together 7 years), and it is basically implied when are both more financially stable, that we will get married and have kids and a minivan and pet hamsters.
Question to you OP: if your long-term BF read your whole post, how do you think he would feel? Your actions seem to be contrary to your words above. You owe it to him to be honest about what’s going on, so he won’t be heartbroken when he sees you exit the apartment building two houses away when you said you were getting tampons at the grocery store.
If you propose a “break” make some firm rules about it regarding your status and acceptable behavior including physical space/logistics. Very often a “break” is just a euphemism for the proposing person to have sex with her new lover. If that’s what’s in your heart, just break up and let him grieve in peace.
Why do I see myself in this situation? I was in a 5 year relationship until broke out of it due to being young and toxic and now am dating my current boyfriend for a couple of years who I met at work. I wouldn’t say I had a crush on him but he was new and interesting and I don’t know what it was about him but he felt safe and like my soulmate which I did not feel anything like it ever even from my ex. So I broke it off my ex and decided to give it a try and it was good for 2 years and now we are at 4 years and I still feel like he’s a good guy but things have changed. Things are comfortable now and I have noticed we have some things not in common. It has made me think about what could’ve been with my ex since I’m approaching almost being engaged. I say go for it if you want but do end things and do not cheat because that would only hurt you and him more.
You’re having an affair and you’re cheating on him. You need to be direct with this guy and say you can’t see him anymore. You also owe the courtesy to your man to tell him about this and ask to work through it. Address all of your issues because you’re about to not only emotionally cheat, but physically cheat. Seek therapy as well, as there are some bigger issues to address.
You aren’t valuing what you already have. This needs to be worked on. You’re taking it for granted and you’re going to regret the actions you’re taking right now, in the future.
Don’t think, do. When you break up with someone, you don’t think, you just move on. Crush is just a crush. It will go away. If you don’t stop this, by just stopping it, you’ll only have more regrets in life.
Talk to your partner, sort out your issues and be a little strong.
Just curious but can I use this post as an example as to why men shouldn’t get married? I think reading you’re words might change a few minds.
Sometimes we become blindly dedicated to the future we plan with someone instead of giving ourselves permission to do what we want.
Maybe take a break for a few weeks, not even a break just a solo trip to claim space and be alone, and just evaluate and see if your relationship is really as fulfilling as you seem to…want it to be.
You don’t want this dude, you want passion and newness and whatever else you’re projecting onto him. You say yourself he’s the exact opposite of your partner which isn’t a healthy way to approach something new, it’s just swinging the other way out of frustration. Does this dude know you have a bf? If he does he’s probably not the greatest and wouldn’t be the most loyal to you- he knows this is a more than friends situation. At the end of the day, what you have with him is what you wish you could have with your bf. You’ve taken the initiative of bringing up your needs to your bf several times to no avail and now you need to decide if those things not changing is a dealbreaker for you. You’re not a shitty partner for not wanting to settle but you would be if you keep up this emotional affair.