Long story short: my (24M) gf (27F) have been dating for 4 months. She’s the best that I ever had intimately, physically and emotionally. She’s the person that has me feel the most attended in terms of needs than anybody else I’ve ever met and I do the same for her (her words not mine)
Recently something brought up a conversation about cheating. I’ve learned that we viewed this theme in a different perspective where’s to I see cheating and something purely the other person’s fault and choice and there’s no going back from it, no excuses.. she sees it as something inevitable in a long term relationship because “human are not a monogamous species” and for many reasons people stop prioritizing the relationship in pursuit of career goals for instance can’t give the same attention to the partner and so cheating becomes a mechanism to not break things off during those periods..
I’ve been spiraling.. first I don’t like the lack of accountability that she’s showing like cheating is not her choice but something she has to do because the other person changed something. Secondly I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship where everytime I can’t give her the same type of attention I’ll be worried if she’s cheating.
Note: she also said she prefers not knowing if someone cheated on her. Basically believes that living without knowing those things is some kind of healthy way to live
Am I wrong for overthinking this and be considering that this relationship is doomed? What should I do?
Note:please don’t say things like “just leave” if you were ever in love you know hard it is to just leave I really want help thank you
Tl;Dr: gf sees cheating as something inevitable in a relationship and I don’t know what to do
5 comments
You are not overthinking anything. In some aspects, I would have to agree with her. There is actual science behind the inevitability of long term relationships losing their spark over time. Google the term “limerence”. The typical shelf life of a long term monogamous union is around 3-5 years. However, if there is honest communication and both parties are looking in the same direction with where they see the relationship going, steps can be taken to mediate the loss of passion and avoid either partner feeling the desire to let their affection wander.
As far as her idea surrounding accountability, that is just a straight up cop out. It is downright masochistic to be keen on the idea of being left in the dark while your partner is fucking someone behind your back.
And the fact that she views it this way would indicate that the two of you share very different values around romantic pairing and you really are not looking in the same direction, long term.
She said she’ll cheat the moment the relationship isn’t all roses. Which will happen. Every relationship has hurdles.
Personally that would be my cue to leave. I don’t want to deal with gaslighting gf cheating on me every time some shit comes up.
And all that BS about humans not being monogamous is BS. You look throughout the history of us, and you won’t find many polygamous cultures. That’s just a fact. If someone wants to be polygamous, that’s their choice. The only people who pitch this nonsense us trying to gaslight their unwilling partners.
She is telling you that she does forsee herself seeing other people. Neither of you has the universally correct opinion and both of you have valid opinions. They don’t seem complementary. If you are so uncomfortable with her seeing other people while you’re together that you would prefer to not date her than for that to happen, tell her it’s a non-negotiable element of a relationship with you. If she so needs to be able to see other people that she would rather not be with you than lose that ability, then you two will break up. Hopefully there will be no hard feelings, you’re just not compatible.
She may be poly, you may be mono… And beyond that there’s an spectrum between both depending of the couple.
I’m not a jaelous person, I’ve never been. I don’t think that cheating with sex is bigger than cheating in other ways that were in the couple intimate agreement.
Don’t overthink and talk to her about your insecurities, better now than later.
Bro…. Run like your ass is on fire and she’s holding gasoline.
She has directly told you she doesn’t believe in monogamy and it sounds like you do. Talk to her and tell her where you stand and that it is a dealbreaker if this is how she really feels. And beware she might try to backpedal if you put the relationship on the line.
If you leave things as they are you will be eventually cheated on. I don’t like encouraging breakups as the first option but this is a black and white situation right here.
You know what’s the right choice already. But you’re looking for an excuse not to. Face facts my man, I feel for you bro I’ve been there. But its 10000x times more difficult to go through the pain of her leaving you for someone else.