I recently reconnected with my best friend from high school after about 10 years of limited contact. He had been going through a hard time (of his own making) and I hoped that there would maybe be some way that I could help/encourage him to turn his life around somewhat.
After a few months it’s clear that he is incapable, and even unwilling to try, to live like a normal functioning adult.
He has smoked weed basically all day every day since he was about 16 (we’re now 34). He can’t hold down a job for more than a couple of months at a time, and when unemployed he sees nothing wrong with just living off handouts from his rich parents. Since reconnecting I have seen a lot of behaviours that make me not respect him as a man. He was never the tidiest guy, but his home is filthy. He doesn’t clean up his dog’s shit either in public, or inside his own house for days at a time. He is unpredictable, has a warped, child-like sense of humour and can suffer from intense (and TBH pretty scary) mood swings and paranoia. He has never been in a serious relationship and his erratic behaviour has pushed everyone else in his life away, and since reconnecting a few months ago I am now pretty much his only remaining friend.
I would love him to be well enough to have a proper adult friendship with him, but I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with him right now. I have a family and a career and I don’t think it’s good for me to be around someone that chaotic. We’re just completely different people now.
How should I go about distancing myself from this guy again without permanently severing ties, so that if he ever turns his life around our friendship can be rekindled?
3 comments
I have a friend like that. 46 years old and never grew up. Never took responsibility for their life, or kids, they are demanding,self centered, and parasitic. I just cut all ties with no explanation. I couldn’t try any longer. I was insulted and angry at what they had chosen to do with their life. Maybe, I should have been more empathetic. But, I saw a lot of really manipulative behaviors, and decided that I just don’t want that kind of influence in my life. It’s not like I’m a super established adult either. I mean I’m 45 and play rock and roll, never had kids, never bought a house. But, I do have a career, pay my own bills, eat healthy, own a car, watch my drinking and stuff. This character is out to take, take, take. I have no faith they will change, and could find no redeeming qualities. Which sucks, because I try to see the best in others. Good luck. Hopefully your friend has a moment of introspection and asks what kind of person they want to be. ✌️
You can’t have your cake and eat it too, friendo. Just cut him out and check in on him once or twice a year. If he gets his shit together then make the first move to open the door- he’ll have to step through it though.
I don’t know if there’s any “right answer” here but I’d probably just sort of back away from him gently. I’d stop reaching out to him and if he reaches out to you, respond but limit your engagement. For example, don’t agree to spend time with him on the phone or in person, keep emails/texts short, etc. Just kind of let things fade out quickly.
What I myself don’t do is ghost people (unless it was an extreme/criminal situation). I have been on the (non) receiving end of that and it was awful.
If your friend confronts you about why you’re fading out, you could be honest but even then I would probably do it in a gentle way. Who knows–maybe the shock of a real confrontation with you could snap him into a different person, but my guess is nothing will change him. He’ll be like this at 65 as well. I feel bad for him (because I believe at some level we don’t choose who we are) and for you for having this friendship decay like this.