tl;dr My live-in partner is going out almost every single day with friends while I’m left home, because she says I remind her of her crappy job. I want to wait until she gets a new job but I’m worried things won’t get better and she’ll continue to hang out with other people instead of me. idk what to do.
I’ve been with my current partner for almost 4 years now. We live together.
In the beginning of the year we moved to a new country together. Things have been going well here until recently, when my partner’s current job started getting a lot worse (and tbf it sounds nightmarish now).
This is really affecting her now, because tbh she hasn’t held a job for more than 1.5 years due to various reasons, and now she’s at a point where she doesn’t know what she wants to do with the rest of her life. I’ve been trying to help her out with the issues of her current job and, also with ideas for future jobs she’s very uncertain still.
As a coping mechanism, she’s taken up a sport (which is awesome and I fully support that), but in addition she is hanging out with friends that she’s made almost every single day. This is **instead** of hanging out with me (we don’t really hang out with the same friends because of different interests and different mother tongues).
When I confronted her about this, she said she wants to go out with friends instead of me because I remind her of the troubles she’s been having at work.
Coupled with a lack of sex (none in 2 months, down from once a month) and now not even hanging out after work or on the weekend, I’m really struggling to find reasons to stay in this relationship. Also, the expectation after we moved to this country was that we hang out **more** together, not less (especially as I left alot of friends and family behind – moving here was mostly her idea), so I’m really hurt that she’s just spending more time with other people.
I think she still cares for me and I care for her, and I am pretty sure she’s not cheating because she does tell me where she’s going/who she’s meeting. Honestly though, I don’t think that’s enough to keep a relationship going – esp. if we never properly see each other for more than, like, 30 minutes a day. She says she’ll try and get a new job after the new year, but at this point I’m worried if things will ever get back to normal, or if I never get to hang out with her again.
Has anyone been in a similiar position where their partner changed dramatically because of work issues? I don’t want to make her problems about myself, but at the same time I can’t ignore how…….pointless being in this relationship feels right now.
3 comments
Yes, recently and Heres my ive been married for 10 years and my partner and i spent our first years in therapy learning problem solving, emotional regulation, communication skills and reasoned thinking. I’m drunk so forgive the word head response, it’s a heavy subject.
Love is a choice. You cant choose to stop loving someone, but you can make the choice to break, move on and heal or you can choose to neglect love and let it die like an almost dead houseplant in a house fire.
In any relationship, Resentment, especially if it’s caused by something outside of the relationship can only be solved by the person who feels it. If you did something wrong to cause it, then that’s on you to mend trust, build new communication avenues and start navigating this trauma. It sounds like she is and that’s amazing.
But You both need to sit down and evaluate your relationship and if you’re willing to give her time to mend it. you’ll need to handle your feelings on your own and build a support system in a productive way that nurtures you and your relationship. Self care time and support systems are wildly important. And that’s what she needs right now. And you not having friends or a support system other than your partner is on you.
Focus on work to get a promotion, take a trip home, take up a hobby, get yourself (key word yourself) a pet etc. Ultimately, fill the time with some thing meaningful that helps you retain your bond while giving her space. You need things and people that energize you and one person isn’t that. You need to support yourself while supporting her with distance and time.
Intimacy is something that’s individual to a relationship but one that flows and changes. In those conversations, you’ll end up discussing that so I’ll leave that to you.
But if it’s anything you take from this.
You both are worth the work it takes to build a long and happy relationship, and once you start working together, it gets fun.
What ever excuse that works I guess. Sounds like a bs excuse.
I get that workplace stress can harm people severely.
But her putting you on the same level as her toxic workplace is not a sign of a strong relationship.
We can speculate all day about what’s going on in her head, but the fact of the matter is that she’s checked out of the relationship.
And there’s no guarantee that she’ll check back in.
You can call her out on it (“I feel like you’ve checked out of the relationship, and verbal assurances will no longer work for me”) and ask if she’d consent to going to couples counseling with you.
If not, that’s as close to a breakup declaration as makes no difference. You can decide to go home or continue to pursue your life in your new country, but either way you’ll be on your own.
Good luck.