Me (28F) and my gf (26F) have been together for almost 5 months. We fell for each other deeply, and very fast. We have the same sense of humor and have been through a lot together. This is her first same sex relationship but she’s never once made me feel weird about it, it doesn’t bother her at all.
We were so in love she came out to her whole family, that I’ve met and really consider them like my own. My gf has been wonderful to me, she’s helped me in more ways than I can say. But we’ve had our problems. She’s very type A, organized, has a well paying job. I’m depressed and struggle financially. Very type B and like to chill most of the time but I work a very demanding job for 9 hours a day. I know she doesn’t love my qualities and wants me to be better (drink less, not party as hard). I’ve essentially moved into her apt, she wanted me around all the time and so did I. I lived with 2 roommates and she lives alone, so it just made sense. She made it comfortable for me, put my clothes in her dresser etc.
Fast forward when things started getting bad. I have a low libido, I tend to come home from work exhausted and I really enjoy when we cuddle in the couch and watch shows to wind down. I’ll also play my switch to relax while we watch. She works from home and is “on” way less than me since I’m in an office being scrutinized by my 2 bosses. She gets more time to relax. She’s said in the past that we don’t do enough things together, that we’re lacking intimacy and I’m never in the mood for sex despite her advances. I acknowledged that and told her to combat this, I was okay with her making out with other people when I’m around, or if she does it when I’m not than I don’t want to hear about it. But make out. That’s it.
2 weeks ago we were at a lesbian event. This is new for her since she hasn’t really dabbled in the “scene”. I can see why it’s excited to be around so many people “like you” and also hot people. That used to excite me too but I’m passed that stage in my life. Well I had work the next day and I encouraged her to stay out with our friends. She ending up coming home at 7 am and told me she “made out” with someone. What I found out later was that she had sex with her, and worst of all it was with a girl I used to dates’ friend. So I very much will see her around. My gf was so ridden with guilt she couldn’t move or eat for days and then tried to “unalive” herself. She sent me a goodbye note and I quickly called her mom who was in shock. My gf had never done anything like this. Or even thought it or shared personal stuff with her family. It was terrifying, but ultimately I told her we would work through it. I believed she loved me so deeply and was sick to her stomach at what she had done. I believed her. For the days that followed she was wonderful. She brought my confidence up and was kind and I thought I was in heaven. I asked her she’s just acting this way because she of guilt but she said no. She’s just so lucky that I chose to stay.
Which brings us to, today. A week after the cheating she told me she needed space to work on herself and us. That her brains a mess and she feels like she’s losing parts of herself because she’s too busy worrying about me. She wants to maybe date other people so she can be sure of us. I had left the apt for 2 days before this conversation to give her space, she begged me to come back. And when I did, a day later she tells me she does actually need that space. What is wrong with me? It’s been 5 months, why can’t we just be happy?
I think this is all about her feat of commitment. I feel played and stupid and need advice.
TL;DR: My (26F) gf wants a break to “figure herself and us out” 5 months into the relationship. She cheated 2 weeks ago.
19 comments
Ask yourself if you want to be with someone who does this.
Take the hint man, she wants to sleep with other people. Move on from her, she’s not the one for you.
She’s not ready for a relationship. She made that clear when a relationship issue drove her into a mental health crisis. If she can’t handle being in a relationship without a medical crisis, then she should be single and focused on her health. She needs therapy, not to be with you. And you should end things with her entirely and move on, because she’s not a dating option.
> It’s been 5 months, why can’t we just be happy?
Why are you assuming it’s a WE issue?
whats happening is that shes trying to secure her next relationship, but it didnt work out, so she came back to you, then it did work again (with the original one, or another one, she may be contacting many people at once…) so she break up again with you.
when all else fails expect her to come back lovingly again. dont accept it, you deserve more. you should be the number 1, not a failsafe
Everything about this tells me she’s not ready to settle down. She’s not emotionally ready to commit to a relationship. End it now and move forward.
Consider it as a breakout so that you don’t have to stay around trying to be faithful to her when it’s quite obvious she’s going to be going around meeting other people during this so-called break
If she tried to unalive herself why isn’t she getting medical help from a professional? Or is she?
Either way, she doesn’t know what she wants, and is only going to waste your time. Having just discovered her sexuality with women, she probably isn’t going to be able to be happy in a low libido relationship. I can only recommend you end it.
Dude coming from a lesbian: it’s been 5 months. This is not worth it in the slightest. You have got to let this relationship go.
Take the initial hit and dump her!. Get her out of your life asap and work on being a better version of you.
Absolutely no need to have any further communication with her. For any reason!
For a wayward partner to stay with the partner they betrayed and really work at reconciling takes tremendous strength. They have to handle seeing the damage they have done. They have to work on themselves and the issues that led to them deciding cheating was an ok option. They have to be incredibly consistent at all times in order to rebuild trust.
Your wayward partner is telling you she doesn’t have the strength to do the work of reconciliation. You can’t give her that strength or convince her if it. Reconciliation takes two very strong individuals. There may only be one here.
I would urge you to read in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity to get an idea of what is involved in reconciliation.
In the meantime, this is not a break. Make it a complete breakup. Maybe she’ll do the work on herself to make herself a safe partner and you can find each other in the future. Likely that she won’t.
I’m sorry.
There’s no such thing as trying to find someone’s value by dating someone else.
If you care enough, you care enough. Period.
She’s not only unsatisfied but she also has the guilt. She’s seeking a way out by trying to find places where she could be happier. So if you wanna make things work, she needs to stop running away towards happier places and start working towards creating that with you instead.
She needs to know that running away won’t solve her problems. And I find it pitiful that people just give up on things that matter a lot to them just cause they aren’t brave enough to create their own happiness and need someone else to do it for them. This attitude is generally the cancer in a relationship.
Also t’s not that she doesn’t care for you and all that but she isn’t capable enough to sustain a healthy relationship. She would if she could but she can’t. That’s unfortunate but it will drain you. If she knew how to be happy, she wouldn’t do this in the first place. She’s a slave to her own needs and that’s what she’d make you too later on if she doens’t learn to establish happiness within herself.
Give her that break and never speak to her again.
5 months in and she’s already chasing strange?? A partner should ass value and positivity to your life, not whatever she is. You can do better.
You got the “soft breakup”. She wants to explore her options but keep you on the hook as a backup plan. Move on with your life, be cordial if you run into her, but you don’t have to be friendly. You seem to be looking for a committed relationship, she is not.
I think you should let it go. You shouldn’t be having issues like this after only 5 months, it’s a really really new relationship.
She obviously isn’t getting what she needs from you..
Edit: when I say let it go I mean the relationship
Do not do “breaks”. They are always bad ideas. Too much misinterpretation and miscommunication. Break up or do break up.
Honestly didn’t even read past the first sentence and title. You’ve been together only 5 months and she’s already cheated on you and now wants a break (likely to be with other people while *technically* not cheating). Just delete her from your life lol
Err…She broke up with you.
It sucks, but move on and hope you find someone that doesn’t cheat.
It sucks that you guys moved so quickly and you also moved in but let’s be honest. You helped her come out and now she wants to explore that and be with other people.