So me (M27) and my boyfriend (M31) have been together for seven years. I’m otherwise super happy about our relationship, but he hasn’t worked much at all during our relationship. He’s unemployed now, and looking for a job. About 75 % of our income comes from my salary. I’m a bit frustrated, because getting money is fully my responsibility.
He hasn’t worked a lot in his life because of mental (and physical, to some degree) health problems. He has depression, and even though it has got better since him meeting me, he actually seems more pessimistic now.
He’s not a “gold digger”, I can assure. I work for almost minimum wage, so I’m not rich by any means. I know he feels guilty of not working, but it makes me wonder why it did take so much time for him to even try to get a job. And now he’s a bit too “picky” about the jobs he’s applying to.
I never wanted to pressure him to get a job because of his depression, which is the reason for it, according to him. So I didn’t say anything for years. A while ago, I got a bit tired of being the only one who works, and said it as politely as I could. He always says that he is a failure and knows that this is unfair. After that, he actually agreed to look for a job together. We have sent many applications, but none of them went further than interviews.
He doesn’t have much ambition in life. I’m not super career-oriented either, but I’m currently looking for ways to not be poor for the rest of my life. He also has a very low confidence and not much motivation to do anything.
Why do I still want to be with him? He’s perfect in every other way. We are so close and attached, and do everything possible together. It might seem a bit weird, but we haven’t had any previous relationships, or even friendships. (We were both bullied loners in our youths…) I have depression too and didn’t enjoy life at all before meeting him. As I said, I’m not very enthustiastic about career, don’t have other close people in my life, and so on. He’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. Before, I almost never had fun, never felt important to anyone and never felt understood. He changed all that.
So, I don’t even want to think about breaking up, I would never do that. But what could I do to make him motivated to get his life on track? To make him take responsibility. The thing is that I can’t force him to be motivated. And taking into account his pessimistic outlook on life, I can’t even imagine him being hopeful about future. (It wouldn’t be him.) And if anyone’s wondering, he has therapy, but it hasn’t had any visible effects, at least to me. What could I do to make his situation better?
TLDR; I have been together with my boyfriend for seven years, and he hasn’t worked much at all during that time, beacuse of depression and lack of motivation. We get by because of my job. He’s the only good thing in my life, so I don’t want to lose him. What could I do to make his situation better, as well as our financial situation?
17 comments
What is he doing about his depression?
Is he in therapy? on meds? I feel like those things are key here. You cant heal depression, but you can treat it
You’re beating a dead horse at this rate…he needs to take the initiative and do it for both him AND a future with you. At this rate, there is no future. None.
So be firm. Tell him your expectation and that you want something more for this so you can both excel and if he has no motivation in this relationship, you’ll walk. And you need to be serious about it, too — depression isn’t an excuse. Does it make it harder? Yes, of course. But it doesn’t mean he can’t work at all. If it’s clinical depression, he may need to get consultation for an anti-depressant to feel regulated.
I think you deserve better than this feckless loser. You’ve got an excellent work ethic, and I’m afraid he’s taking advantage of that whether subconsciously or not.
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>He hasn’t worked a lot in his life because of mental (and physical, to some degree) health problems. […]
>He’s not a “gold digger”, I can assure. I work for almost minimum wage, so I’m not rich by any means. I know he feels guilty of not working, but it makes me wonder why it did take so much time for him to even try to get a job. And now he’s a bit too “picky” about the jobs he’s applying to.
Doesn’t matter if he is not a gold digger or whether he feels guilty or not, this doesn’t seem like a guy you can ever financially depend upon. I’m not saying that he needs to be rich or that he isn’t allowed to ever be without work or whatever, but his entire working life doesn’t inspire much confidence that he’ll ever get a stable job.
You have depression, but you work. He has low confidence, low motivation, low ambition and is generally pessimistic. Perhaps I could give a pass on some of these things at the young adult stage when you’re still figuring stuff out. But he is 31: if change was going to happen, it would have happened.
> And if anyone’s wondering, he has therapy, but it hasn’t had any visible effects, at least to me.
A lot of people forget that therapy isn’t just a goal in of itself: it’s something that should have an effect and if it isn’t, he needs a different therapist.
>What could I do to make his situation better?
Other than encouraging him to switch therapists, I don’t see how you can change someone’s personality.
If I were you, I’d ask yourself one thing: if this was his usual state and things weren’t improving, how long are you willing to support both of you?
How would he support himself if you weren’t together? He’d figure it out, and he needs to figure it out now.
Do you really want to live the next 40-50 years like this? I can assure you that you won’t feel as happy with him as you do now. What about having children?
He’s not a gold digger, he just doesn’t see it as his role to contribute financially to the household because you’ll pick up the slack. I understand his mental and physical health, yes, but what would he be doing without you? He’s come to count on you to take care of him financially and emotionally. To top it off, you don’t have any other friends. Please examine if this is a codependent relationship. You’ve been with him since you were young and describing someone as perfect in every way, doing everything together, and not being passionate about anything else raises some concerns — you seem to revolve so much around him.
I’m not saying your partner is a bad person. But he might just not be at the stage to be an equal partner in a relationship. His dependency seems like it also might be affecting you from developing your own passions outside of him. You can’t force someone to be motivated or get a job or really work at therapy. All you can do is change your own behavior. If you’ve communicated your needs and that’s not motivating enough to him, to hear his long term partner is stressed and overwhelmed and hurt, then it’s time to change your own patterns. It’s been seven years, this is who he is.
As a basket case who has to go through all that shit alone and go to work anyway dumb his ass. Im understanding when it comes to mental health issues but the context and way you described his issues sounds more like someone who wont put in the work whether or not they think they cant. Youre not his parent, and while you are his support system ideally he would be yours too. Hes not paralyzed he just needs vitamins, therapy, and motivation. Though if im being honest providing for someone who loves and provides for me would be motivation enough but what do i know.
Thing with long term mental health issues is…. doing nothing is not helpful either. Routines are helpful. Part of recovery is faking it til you make it, meaning one finds things to do that contribute to improvement even if that’s not immediately visible. If he does the same job for a month (say it’s parttime), he has income, he has prospects and he has a plan for what he has to do in his dayplanning. It’s stuff that doesn’t show up as positive on day 1, but on day 30 it can have some impact. Work also works as a massive distraction from depression, because energy that goes into ruminating is necessary elsewhere. It’s not a cure, but it can help to make things more tolerable. And jobs are also social: even if you hate to converse to people, you have interactions with other people and that can also make a slight difference.
Has he done some volunteer work? Because then there’s no real pressure to perform, but there are still goals that need to happen. But then this should be in combination with medical help.
If he is unemployable however, he should be on disability. But that means he goes to find help on several levels and that costs money. It should be money you should get back if you fund this, so then you’d have to keep solid records of what he’d owe you for that. Either way, that’s a bunch of uncomfortable conversations.
Good people don’t magically deserve love and relationships. He may be a good guy overall but if he can’t be a functional contributing member to society and you can’t be happy carrying that financial deadweight he does not deserve you.
You need more in your life than an unemployed bf as your only emotional connection.
Life as a continuous grind is not an enjoyable one. You need friends and maybe some counseling to let go of the mentality that you are still a bullied loner because that is keeping you feeling life he is your lifeline.
You absolutely need to break up with him. Or it can just stay life this for years.
You’ve been with him almost your whole adult like. It makes sense you don’t want to break up, but you can’t live like this either. Has he applied for disability? If not, I would no longer entertain that excuse. Is he even getting help, taking meds, consistently going to therapy? Not that that’s enough, but if he’s not even meeting that bare minimum, he’s doing nothing to improve your joint situation.
If you can’t break up, at least stop letting him drag you down with him. Stop paying his bills. If you live together, separate. Right now, he’s getting by because you’re enabling him. You might find he gets his act together if he doesn’t have a younger boyfriend paying his way through life.
You need to get rid of this wastrel. You deserve better.
This will never change. He’s a great partner to you because he’s getting a free ride. Trust me, you do not want to be doing this for the rest of your life.
Looks like you will both have to grow old on your salary
He should go on disability. I would not be OK with your situation it seems very unfair and I would not respect such a partner.
This man is 31. He will never be able to support you as an equal partner in the relationship.