[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/zlv16g/my_wife_wants_to_share_finances_i_feel_betrayed/)

Hi all! Thanks for your thoughts and advice earlier this week. Back with an update on this situation.

First, people asked for more details on the amounts:

My current salary: $40k
Her current salary: $48k

My future salary: $72k

So to sum up, we’ll be going from her earning 20% more than me, to me earning 50% more than her.

We got a chance to talk about this again yesterday evening. I had relaxed a bit so I didn’t come at her or anything. I just asked specifically why she didn’t want to share finances initially, and what made her change her mind recently. She said that she wanted to build up a savings account on her own in case something happened with our marriage, and separate finances was the best way to do that. Also, that she was warry in general about immediately co-mingling everything and wanted to wait until we were more established in our marriage.

I asked why she didn’t share this with me from the start, I would’ve understood. She said that it was supposed to be a secret account at least at first, and so telling me would defeat the purpose. That makes sense I guess, it still hurts a bit. I don’t feel that I’ve ever given her a reason to think I would be abusive in any way. She agreed, but her parents had strongly recommended that she protect herself in this way.

As far as the timing, she realized that it seemed suspicious. She had been thinking about discussing finally joining finances for a while, but we’ve been so busy with life stuff this year that it wasn’t a priority. Especially with us making close-ish money. She saw my new job as the impetus to get started on it. She journals and writes a lot, and was actually able to show me that she was thinking about this months before. That was huge for me.

This also made me realize that an emergency account for both of us made a lot of sense, so we’re still going to hold off a little bit (probably not a whole year) so I can build one up for myself. After that, we’re going to join everything.

We had some great sex, and I promised to take her on a trip next year.

TLDR: We’re okay!

42 comments

  2. What?! You handled this like responsible adults? This is not why I browse Reddit! /s

    Congratulations! Happy future to you two.

  3. Wow, I am really glad for you that this worked out so well. I honestly expected disaster. Thanks for the optimism. Good on you two for solving this in a productive way.

  5. Blatant honest communication with my wife solves most of our problems and people coming onto reddit asking questions after NOT having these blatant honest conversations leaves a lot of us dumbfounded.

    Like 70% of the posts on this subreddit could be solved by the two partners just fucking talking lol.

    It really works.

  7. Well done sorting that out! I was also advised to ensure I had separate funds “just in case”. Honestly it’s something a lot of women are advised to do regardless of how awesome their partner may be!

  8. This brought such a smile to my face. Isn’t it amazing what communicating from a place of love, peace, openness and kindness can do? SO proud of you for letting yourself simmer down and ask questions rather than throwing accusations. Keep this up going forward (tbh there’s no such thing as over communication, especially when money is involved) and y’all are gonna be amazing.

  9. If it helps, I think this is common advice given to women. Even for women in healthy relationships, it’s still sometimes a fear in the back of our minds. I know in my family I grew up hearing horror stories of women in situations they couldn’t leave. Idk your wife’s family history but I kinda understand why she might need that savings to feel secure.

  10. Our marriage therapist would often say to us, “Don’t believe everything you think.” This means, be skeptical if your initial reaction is very negative or suspicious towards someone you care about. Most times, it’s not true. Those of us who have been hurt or lied to before tend to be overly self protective when it can actually damage a relationship.

  11. > She said that it was supposed to be a secret account at least at first, and so telling me would defeat the purpose. That makes sense I guess, it still hurts a bit.

    Just to chime in on this, even in happy, healthy, marriages it is very common for people (especially women) to be advised to have a bug-out fund. I personally keep a substantial personal, untouchable savings just in case my wonderful husband loses his mind.

    I’ve personally seen too many women in “perfect” marriages get left bereft. It’s not personal, it’s practical.

  13. I’m glad you guys talked it out and came to a resolution that works for both of you. I don’t even mind all the crazy downvotes I got on my comments from the original post, lol.

    Not every situation like this is a matter of someone being a gold-digger or a financial abuser. Sometimes cooler heads need to prevail, calm and respectful communication needs to happen, and then the truth is far less vicious than the assumptions.

    Best of luck to you and the wife!

  14. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

    The primary take from these comments is that men should also be putting away a secret nest egg.. “regardless of how awesome their partner may be!”

    /s

  18. That seems to be a good way of working things out. I hope you each keep a fund in your own names. Independent accounts with a large joint account is what many people I know have done.

  19. Yeah that makes sense about the secret emergency account. No one who ends up in an abusive relationship ever thinks they would end up in an abusive relationship. No need to feel betrayed by her. If anything, be mad that that’s the world we live in, where crappy people surprise their partners after hiding their abusive tendencies yearly on in their relationship

  20. Yes sir! We have a his, hers and ours as well. It just works since we were both fairly established when we got married.

  21. Haha! Love the ending! My encouragement. Do not change spending habits! Please talk to her about this. That extra $30k needs to be invested/set aside/ whatever. At least for that first year. Be diligent

  22. I have a separate bank account for me and my wife also has one, we’re still humans if I’m in a savings mood I’ll save if I want to spend money on her I can and vice versa

  23. If this isn’t the best incentive to start journaling I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what is. That’s awesome. I’m glad you guys talked it out and she could actually prove it wasn’t her just being greedy at this point.

  24. If that’s the case, men normally get destroyed in divorces, you should probably do the same thing, but you will need more money, now that you make more. Protect yourself too.

  26. Good for you, there were some absolutely heinous takes on the original thread and you ended up doing the mature and loving thing! Kudos!

  27. Separate finances is needed in some marriages where there’s a spendthrift who will destroy everyone’s credit ratings. But to us it was a royal pain in the ass splitting this and that, so we dropped it and went joint very early on.

    A lot of things can and will happen over a lifetime. My wife and I’ve pooled everything for decades, and over that time, we’ve been all over the map on who brought in what — when she stayed home, when I got laid off, when we both worked, etc. I’ve made more many times but right now she makes more than me and I’m so proud of her (and I’m working hard to catch up again).

  31. >She had been thinking about discussing finally joining finances for a while, but we’ve been so busy with life stuff this year that it wasn’t a priority

    It wasn’t a priority when you earned less. It became a priority when you started earning more.

  32. +1

    Thanks for the update! I’m really glad to hear you confronted it head on with effective communication.

  33. She was right to be hesitant at first. As with many things in life financial mingling is very often more risky for the woman.

    Glad you reached a reasonable resolution.

  34. Not ok to have a secret account. Ok to have a separate account. I don’t understand how anyone thinks this is ok.

  35. Omg no divorce? Understanding why women feel vulnerable and create safety nets? Coming to even better understanding of each other? On Reddit?

  36. Still would be a bit ticked that she didn’t trust you, but it’s all out in the open now so good on you guys.

  37. Glad the truth came out! I have to admit I don’t understand the inital need for secrecy when she insisted on having separate finances to begin with. The general idea of a woman needing to protect herself makes perfect sense, and I totally agree, but in this case why the addition of secrecy when she is already controlling her own bank accounts? In fact it directly damaged marital trust. I’d be hurt by this, too. Idk, I guess bring on the downvotes!

  38. If it’s your wife, you could be paying all money to a shared account then taking a “pocket money” out each week/month of a set equal amount that suits your budget. We saved heaps when we did this.

  39. Awesome job. Reminds me of when my husband and I were combining finances and he encouraged me to keep one account separate from his with just a bit of savings in it, just in case. Hopefully I’ll never need it but if I do I have it!

  40. Pilots are much more committed to saving an aircraft in trouble when they don’t have a parachute. Think about that.

  41. Well, hell . I guess I’ll crawl back down to my parents’ basement and hope typing “GET A DIVORCE!” works on someone else.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like