I’ve just moved to a new area and am making friends. They are great otherwise but I cringe hard when other girls refer to me like this. It feels patronizing. There’s no way to ask nicely for them not to do it, people get offended. However I am growing to resent them for it. Any ideas?

38 comments

  1. Honestly, I don’t think it’s worth it to try and correct them. What if we flip the genders and say my guy friend says to me “hey big guy” or “what up stud”. I wouldn’t feel offended by that, it’s just their way of greeting me. Yeah, it’s patronizing but to what end? Are they trying to coerce me in some way? I’m curious why you feel like this is an unacceptable way for other girls to greet you?

  2. I doubt it’s their intention to patronise. In fact it sounds they want to brighten your day. You can control your reaction to people’s (innocent) comments. Try looking at it in a different light and appreciate the kind words for what they are.

  3. I feel your struggle as I find it unintentionally condescending because I’ve come to understand their intentions are often good. I have no advice but I want to offer understanding.

  4. Uhhhhhhhh I am baffled to hear that bc for me it’s like the complete opposite. Whenever I say that a new girl friend “hi hun” “hey girly” “hey hottie” it’s just my way of saying “hey I like you, I feel like we’re close enough now for me to say that to you”

  6. I hate it as well, but I’m just uncomfortable with most like nicknamey things people say but I wouldn’t tell anyone to stop or anything cos it’s not a big deal to me.

  7. I had a friend who always called me girlie and I absolutely hated it for some reason, then I realized I’m a trans dude lmao

    (I’m not suggesting that disliking these terms makes you trans, just a funny story)

  8. I seriously don’t understand people who don’t know how to react to unpleasant comments in this subreddit. I know what this sub stands for, but I doubt people here or OP haven’t already considered just saying to people what really is on your mind and try to explain yourself. A reason to why I might be on this sub is because I think this way, but what’s the worst thing that can happen?

  9. Some girls hype each other up. Maybe that’s just how they show love or try make someone feel comfortable. If that’s the case it’ll become less abrasive with time.

    And if you like, you can try empathize by looking at it as their way to inject energy into expression when they feel a little unsure of what else could they say – which maybe doesn’t deserve resentment. Rather honesty & openness from both sides.

    If they were made to feel comfortable they would (ideally) want to be genuine with you, if they are open to that strain of relationship.

    Only real piece of advice I can give is trust your instinct towards people, but acknowledge that you may be way off if you’re leaning in your own way somehow.

    If you can’t accept the way that person talks or is or whatever don’t stick around because you can’t change em.

    If you want to change that you may be reacting to them (thoughts & feel towards them) triggering your own insecurities.

    Maybe try setting a boundary if you do like them.

    For people who are as you describe there will be equally some people who feel similar to you, maybe if you keep looking you could find someone you genuinely like.

  11. Don’t ever come to Maryland – everyone is Hun here! We say it as easily and thoughtlessly as we breathe. Genuine question, do you feel negatively about being called by all nicknames?

  12. I totally get what you mean; I cringe immensely when they do that cause I’ve always felt like it’s so fake. From what it looks like, it’s us autistic people who typically despise this kind of talking; maybe you’re on the spectrum!

    edit: especially considering that i just read you experience a lot of meltdowns in one of your previous posts, which set off my autistic alarms a bit more

  13. It’s a cultural thing, most women like being nice to other women. If you are made uncomfortable by people being so friendly, go find people who are a little more professional and “cold” or aren’t as excited to see you.

  14. Sounds like they’re being friendly but you’d rather invent drama.

    You need to think on why that is.

  15. I get what you mean. I don’t consistently enjoy certain pet greetings. It’s like I am ‘not ready’ for them sometimes, like I don’t feel sweet or pretty or whatever the pet name claims. I try not to project that on others intentions because I think there is already a lot of that in social interactions and society. I don’t need or want one more reason to divide myself away from others and I use these pet greetings too sometimes. I noticed I tend to use them for women I admire. Not sure if that’s why they use it, but I’d feel like shit if one of those women revealed it felt condescending.

  16. I call most every woman I know love, hon, pumpkin, or sweetheart from time to time. If you don’t like it, you need to speak up because she will never know if it’s a habit or natural for her to do.

  18. I don’t think it’s patronizing at all given the context. Now, if they were doing some petty bs like correcting you, or you guys were in an argument and they called you honey, THEN it’s patronizing. Context is everything.

  19. personally, i love when girls call me pet names, so this is surprising lol

    but! i think you’re free to dislike them, and it should be as simple as “i don’t really like pet names lol”. it shouldn’t hurt anyone to respect what you do and don’t want to be called by.

  20. That sounds like an internal problem and maybe because when you say it it’s patronizing. I call women ” hun,love,darling,sweetie” it’s not to be offensive but endearing especially since women tend to be mean to each other sometimes or catty.

    It’s nothing mean. Unless there is an argument then my tone is different.

  23. Would you prefer “hey bitch” “what up hoe” that’s how me and my ratchet close friends say hi. “Sup bitches” lol they are terms of endearment. Sooome times a person who I don’t like tries the “hey hunny” as a way to make me feel like a child or to seem as if they are more wiser, older, bigger bitch, than me. It all has to do with tune of voice. I cut them before they finish with “sup bitch” assert my dominance.

  24. I am genuinely confused here. Like how is it patronizing? I’m brown and 33 and these are all terms of endearment for me. Cultural differences maybe?
    P.S the mean girls in my HS just ignored you lol.

  25. I also don’t like hey “sweetie”. Speaking from experience I do know that most older people or elderly people find it disrespectful to address them by “sweetie” and especially “hun”. Working in healthcare I’ve had to explain this to some employees.

  27. I’d explore WHY it makes you feel resentful as it seems like it’s just a general greeting of friendliness.

    A friend of mine for example can’t stand hear “honey” because an abuser in her childhood would always call her that. She explained it to people at work and everyone was super understanding and just called her by her name as she requested.

  28. >I’ve just moved to a new area and am making friends

    Perhaps they’ve forgotten your name and they’re too afraid to ask at this point. I’m terrible with names. Takes me like a month or two to get them to stick.

    Or some people just do this reflexively. I know people who are constantly “hey buddy” or “sup bro” – like it’s a filler word.

  30. I feel like some people are being a bit harsh towards OP. If it makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable. I think it’s important to reflect on *why* it makes you uncomfortable and start from there.

    Personally I hate when people say “hey girl/girly” to me and it’s always sounded cringe too. I do connect it with being inauthentic, because I’ve seen girls/women use that language with people they utterly hate. Or I’ve seen it in circles that align themselves with things I oppose. It’s also one of those social cues that seem useless to me.

    I’ve also realized I’m trans, so girl is just not an accurate title for me anyways.

    I think the root of your discomfort is the most important thing here.

  31. I don’t think it’s patronizing if they call everyone that. There are certain areas where people will call each other certain names like hun, love, babe, sweetie etc. It’s not personal.

    Also there are certain people who call people certain things because that’s who they are. My sister’s mom calls everyone dear. At first it annoyed me and I thought it was condescending but then I realized she calls everyone dear, even men. That’s just her way. I realized it was me that was taking it too seriously. It’s just her thing.

    I use babes. I heard Adele use it and I like it so I’ll say, “No way babes.” “What’s up babes?” That’s my thing now. It means I like you and I’m comfortable enough with you to use a cute name. But if someone told me not to use it, I would oblige.

  32. Honestly, I used to 100% feel the same way about “hun” “hey girlie” “hey beautiful” etc. for years. But, I’ve come to realize among friends its just part of their social lingo, and my friends mean it with love. I’ve become desensitized to it now and I find myself saying it too lol. And I’m glad, because once I embraced it I loved it

  33. Obviously in the south. It’s what we do. Don’t take it personally. Running on feelings your whole life will be painful. Feelings are not facts. Don’t listen to the little voice. It’s not true. And when you let it bother you, you are technically letting people run you like a puppet. Do not be a puppet by giving people that power over your feelings

  34. Ask them to stop doing it. There are polite ways. If they don’t understand, then it wasn’t meant to work out.

  35. Context is essential. “Hun” and “beautiful” definitely imply ‘You’re not due a formal salutation.’ In some contexts, that could be endearing and a sign of affection. In others, a sign of dominance or judgment. You’re going to have to base your assessment on the overall relationship with these women. It sounds like they aren’t ill-intentioned, but it also sounds like you aren’t sure of that.

  36. Gentle question, are you not used to people being kind and loving to you?

    I think this may be the bigger issue. Had any issues with cold parents maybe? That can make people wary of kindness because they think it can only be “fake”. People with cold parents sometimes stop believing that people can actually genuinely be nice and loving.

  37. I’m a straight shooter with people – if someone calls me something I don’t like – I correct it.

    Sometimes it doesn’t bother me and other times I hate it so I will generally tell people what to call me. Like “hi my names ____ nice to meet you.”

    Generally next time I see them they say my name when they say hi.

    Doesn’t always work but most of the time it does.

  38. I’m a bartender. Are you sure they know your name? If I forget someone’s name and recognize their face I’ll greet with a “hey beauty queen!” Or a “how are ya honey?” I mean no offense by it and do it to people whose names I DO know as well, but just a different take that they may not remember your name.

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