Naturally emotionally independent people, what do you look for if you date?

2 comments

1. Tl;dr other emotionally independent people

   I think I am an emotionally independent guy (24m). I hate to let my emotions dictate me. I never want to confide in other people because I was alone at my deepest and learned to cope alone. I dont feel comfortable talking about my emotions.

   Now to answer your question. I look for someone who does not need me to open up completely. A lot of acceptance. I accept them as they are and they accept me as I am. But there is a lot of open communication still. Communication is key. I dated someone like this and it was very zen. But we did not have enough in common on some areas.

   I am easygoing and I like other easy going people. I can be passionate and admire passion in others. Mostly I’m looking for someone like me interests, hobby and lifestyle-wise.

   I dont look for high maintenance people. If someone is emotionally dependant on me, I feel the need to comfort, help them etc, but I start to get a feeling of resentment at the same time. I’m dating someone like this now and it is an emotional rollercoaster. Good and bad. I am more a fan of.. positive neutral.

   If you have any questions feel free to ask ^^

2. Being a fun person that I enjoy spending time with.

   Respect for my space and boundaries.

   Being self-sufficient, having their own hobbies, friends, and interests. (I’ve found not having their own friends to be a big red flag- your partner cannot be your only emotional connection/support/social interaction. They should be part of a network).

   Having their own opinions and not needing constant validation or compliments.

   Not being over the top with romantic gestures.

   Not blowing up my phone with text messages.

   Supports me in pursuing my own solo hobbies and experiences.

   Secure and not jealous.

   I like to connect over shared experiences and memories. So I enjoy dates where I get to do or experience things with someone- trying a unique restaurant (like hot pot or revolving sushi), rock climbing, ax throwing, going to cool museum exhibit, go to an arcade, etc. I find those a lot more fun than the traditional “meet for drinks” and I feel I can see more of their personality that way. I would much rather have fun, laugh, and banter than the “romantic candlelight dinner” setting.

   Main struggle I have faced is lopsided affection. It takes me longer to develop feelings for someone than the average person. I don’t feel that I need a romantic relationship, only that it would be nice. So I can come off as a little flippant or distant unintentionally; I’m definitely not gushy or overtly romantic. However this also means that if I’m continuing to see you it’s simply because I like you as a person. If I didn’t want to be there, I wouldn’t.

   Being showered with attention or compliments does not make me happy like it does some people- it feels disingenuous and intrusive. If I end up dating someone anxious/dependent, they will desperately push for more and more time/affection than I feel comfy with even though they claim they are fine with my pace. This is usually when I break things off. Last boyfriend ended up like this so I ended things. He clearly wanted a different relationship than I did but pushed me to change my boundaries instead of finding someone on the same page because he just wanted to be in a relationship instead of the right relationship.