I 35f have been with my husband since I was 13. Had a f**ked up life and have lived with him since I was 15. We have multiple beautiful children together but did have a difficult time in our early marriage. As troubled youth often does we did a lot of drugs together and ended up in drug addiction for years. We separated for about 10 months in 2011 and he ended up hooking up with someone else during that time. I didnt. We reconciled and i have never looked back. Now I have been clean since 1/1/15 and he got sober a few weeks before me. Since we got clean we have bought a house, managed a few businesses together, I go to school full-time, for all intents and purposes we have been killing it in life. He is the love of my life and the man of my dreams.
On to the problem. This last couple weeks he seemed off and talked about sending me and the kids away for New Years. It’s not the first time we’ve planned a holiday trip, and he plows during winter, so usually it’s just me and the kids that go. So the other night, I grabbed his phone realized he put a pin on it. We’ve never done this in the past and he uses the same pin for everything. Except this. Ok so I found it weird but let it go. The other day he was weird when he came home and asked if I’d stay home with him the next day while the kids were at school talking about how much he missed me. Absolutely I agreed. But then the next morning he talked about how much stuff he had to do so asked if we could just do breakfast instead. Ok whatever. There was storm planning that needed to he done.
Tonight I still couldn’t shake the feeling something was up and looked at his recent messages on his smart watch. This man was trying to score drugs! Like wtf. We have so much we could lose here and he wants to go out and get high. If it was just pot I probably wouldn’t even be making this post. But I’m talking hard drugs that could potentially kill him. Be laced with something. Get his ass arrested. I know life is stressful sometimes but I could’ve sworn we both recognized drugs were never the answer. I didn’t confront him tonight because of the huge storm coming down outside and know he needs a clear head to plow. But fudge what do I do here?
I almost think another women would’ve been easier to wrap my head around.
14 comments
Another woman would be easier to quit… The siren call of drugs is hard. When he’s done plowing tell him that you accidentally saw this and you are there to support him but that your life together can’t involve life destroying drugs.
Tell him you can be his drug and he can be hooked on you.
damn that is hard especially after almost 6 years being sober. Maybe he’s just starting to miss the high, especially if he’s working a lot. Offer him support and say you know what’s been going on and see how you can help him.
You dont wanna lose the life you have now so fight for him to keep him clean. You can definitely work through this especially if he hasn’t touched anything yet, he’s clearly feeling guilty and conflicted about it aswell which is why he asked if he can spend more time with you.
Definitely ask like why this urge has come on and what you can do to help him stay clean
First off, I am proud of you for getting clean and staying that way for your kids, for your relationship, and for your life
Did he get quit through any sort of program? If so, can he go to a Meeting/ reach out to a Sponsor or program friend/ reread some literature about it?
I don’t normally advise ultimatums but this is one of the rare cases where it is needed because you guys have kids and this is a very real threat.
You need to reinforce to him that you have a very clear boundary around you and the kids and your life together that means NO hard drugs.
And you need to let him know that right now he is on the wrong side of it.
– That if he chooses to get back onto your side of the line and respect your boundary then you will give him help and support. Both with staying off the drugs and with whatever triggered it.
– But if he chooses to do hard drugs right now he has to walk away from the marriage and the life you have built together.
Do you think it is possible that he has seasonal depression and is looking for a way to cope?
Tell him we need to have a serious talk.
Mention that you’ve noticed glaring changes in his behaviour lately & due to both of your histories you find yourself fearing the worst, that he might be retuning to drugs.
Tell him that you’re 100% there for him but he needs to let you in for that to work.
Tell him that you both have so much more to lose now that you have kids involved.
If he still refuses to come clean with you then I’d just keep a very close eye on him.
Your kids come first.
Once an addict always an addict. That’s the sad reality. He needs to get help asap before he does fuck his life up.
I’ve never been an addict but my best friend was. Even during her long stretches of sobriety she still set up drug scores and even once actually bought heroin… she drove straight to my house told me what she did and handed it over for me to destroy. She actually didn’t want to use it. She couldn’t explain why she did it, wasted the money when she was so broke, etc but regardless she immediately regretted it and didn’t use. I think this is when she knew she wasn’t a slave to drugs anymore.
I would pack some stuff and take the kids to a local hotel and I would leave him a note explaining that I saw the messages and I know what hes doing. Tell him how disappointed you are that he literally tried to show you and the kids out of the way so he could get high. Explain to him that he’d better think long and hard before starting up with the drugs again because he’ll lose his family for it. This would be a huge boundary for me…definitely a hill to die on.
Sounds like he needs a check. And a dose of reality. Sorry you are going through this. Any new stresses toy our life? What are his triggers?
I think you need to talk to him. He needs to recommit to his sobriety. Look up NA meetings near your location that he can go to. Make it a deal breaker.
Youd rather him sleep with someone else than get high lol?
His mental could very well be in the toilet