My husband and I have had troubles with sexual and emotional compatibility since we have been married. It has been awkward at times, libidos mismatched at times, feels forced, and seemingly lacks passion overall. Emotional connection is lacking as well. I read these stories of being best friends with your spouse and just having this deeper intimate connection. It saddens me because I cannot seem to get there with my husband. It has been so difficult to connect and I cannot pinpoint the issue. Has anyone been in a place where these incompatibilities seemed to be more noticeable after marriage ? And if so, were you able to turn it around for the better?
6 comments
Did you have the problem before you got married?
If it’s always been this way it will be hard to change but it is possible if both sides work at it.
It certianly can, but not something to base bigger decisions on.
FWIW, really since before we were married we had effectively a DB . TBH she could not initiate and struggles with it to this day. I was happy beating off on my own. I can’t tell you why. I just was and I would have described us as happy. WE fucked MAYBE 4 times a year and it continued on for 9 years.
Then our lives exploded in a why that’s not relevant; I went on Wellbutrin for that year to cope and, really, VERY suddenly, I got over everything. so after the 9th year of marriage we’ve probably averaged three times a week, which seems to be about all she can handle. now 31yr marriage M58 F64. YMMV.
So many discussions about mismatched libido and it is a real thing. I felt it, but I will say that I felt it a lot more in my 20s, when every guy is a raging hormone, than I did in my 40s when we seemed very compatible. And, some people are more passionate than others. I think people learn a lot from how their parents act around one another. Mine were huggy and I am too.
Feeling I’m in the same boat (Me: H32; W37);
I know it may be tough to be completely honest between spouses, but do you see any possibility of that? Or through counselling? I feel like communication is key but I often don’t know how to bring up a sexy idea, kink to her as she seems really traditional and sometimes associate sex with shame.
Is there any bigger underlining issues for the years (trust issues, intimacy rejections, anxiety, depressed so low sex drive)? I found these could cause intimacy issues.
Which one of you are on the “dominant” side? Since my wife is more dominant sometimes I hesitate to bring issues up and just trying to avoid a bigger fight…
Good luck
Yes. The part of what you described that resonates with me is the difference before and after we married. Before, we were passionate lovers, committed to each other. His family even resisted our relationship and he had the strength of character to put us before them. But now, 4 years later, were are like roommates. We spend many of our free hours in separate rooms, doing separate things. The sex has withered away to once maybe every 6 weeks.
This sounds miserable to me as I describe it, but we are both actually quite comfortable. He has his friends and his hobbies and I have mine.