Was I too fast?

I recently went through a confusing breakup. We were only dating for a month, but the break was so messy and eruptive… I don’t want a repeat of this in the future… problem is… I don’t know what I did wrong, so I don’t know what to correct…

​

What was the problem?: He said I moved too fast for him.

​

Important Information:

\- From his dating profile: “I like to go slow, to go fast. I like to take things slow.”

\- We had been seriously dating for a month, but we had been communicating for about 2 months.

\- We were exclusive.

\- We had sex a couple of times.

\- I met his friends and family (his idea).

\- We had been on 6 dates (not including brief visits). These dates were mostly coordinated by him.

\- We spoke daily (usually one to two texts a day, e.g. “I hope your day is going well”).

\- He was never a big phone communicator. I was usually the first to reach out.

\- He’s taking medication for anxiety and/or depression. I’ve struggled with these things too. He’s not in therapy, because he says it’s too expensive. I was in therapy for years, so I understood what he meant.

​

My aunt died tragically and my mom’s heart nearly gave out as a result of stress. I wasn’t expecting my boyfriend to cater to all my emotional needs (I didn’t want to burden him), but I did want some emotional support. I told him previously that communication was something I valued and wanted to increase. He agreed that this was something he valued too, but his communication habits remained the same; He was great on dates, but we never had any conversations in between. This bothered me, so I addressed it. I told him that I didn’t feel close to him when he wasn’t physically present and I asked him if there was anything we could do to change that. He immediately got defensive, “I’ve never heard this before!”. He asked me what I wanted from him and I told him that I would appreciate it if we spoke over the phone a couple of times a week. I told him that the calls could be brief (only a few minutes), but that was what I needed to feel secure. He told me, “that sounds like a chore”… I was so shocked and heartbroken by his response. I didn’t feel like I was asking a lot from him. He then told me that we had just met and that I was moving too fast for him, “I like to take things slooow. How am I suppose to keep track of when to call?” He then told me that he would try to reach out more, but he couldn’t make any promises. As a compromise, I told him that one call a week would be sufficient until we got into a groove.

While I was out of town for my aunt’s funeral, he called me while I was inside a gift shop. I was in the shop looking for souvenirs, but mostly I was in the shop to unwind away from my family. I’m black, so when I entered the gift shop I made small talk with the shop owner so that he would feel comfortable with me in his store. When my boyfriend called, I had my AirPods in. I took his call away from the shopkeeper, but the shopkeeper sought me out to continue the conversation we had been having. Since I had my AirPods in, the shopkeeper didn’t realize that I was on the phone. I have social anxiety, so this was a really awkward moment for me. I didn’t tell him that I was on the phone, instead, I spoke to him. The shopkeeper just wanted to ask me a few brief questions. As I answered him, I could hear my boyfriend hemming and hawing on the phone, “What the fuck?! Are you serious? Hey… I’m gonna bounce.” I hung up the phone, then called back my boyfriend once I left the shop. I apologized for the rudeness, then tried to explain the situation. He said that he understood, but I could feel that he was still resentful. I kept our conversation short and apologized again before hanging up.

Our relationship went straight to hell from there. He continued to be reactive/defensive… to the point where I felt the need to apologize constantly… it was all little stuff, but he blew everything out of proportion as if I was criticizing him, but I never criticized anything that he did.

​

This relationship was so confusing to me… I don’t know what I could have done differently. Was I too fast? When would it have been a good time to have the “closeness” discussion?