Context.
I grew up Mormon and so did my wife, we met when we were 17, and dated for two years before getting married.
I always felt like we were pressured by our parents to get married young and I was always sexually interested and so I definitely let my hormones make a lot of decisions for me.
Since then I have always had an issue where she meets guys at work or whatever and just gets really flirty with them, gets their number and adds them on Snapchat and just talks with them even more than she will talk with me and she goes out of her way to not let me see when she’s messaging them, and one day at work she messaged me that she was “taking a nap and would be hard asleep” which was really unusual for her to say something like that, so I told my work I’d take an attendance hit, and go home early to check in on her and when I got home she wasn’t there, and she had left her phone there, so I couldn’t call her, but it was about two hours later she came home and I thought she’d cheated on me, but she told me she had gone climbing with some friends which wasn’t unusual but she was the only girl there and she knew I’d be uncomfortable with that. So I told her that crosssed a boundary for me and she’s said okay but isn’t happy about it because “she’s always had guy friends”. We moved on past that and everything was good for a while until about two years ago
We moved around a lot before buying a condo in Las Vegas and I got a WFH job that sucked the life out of me but I worked for 3 years to try to get this job supposed to be my dream job.
We previously were strong LDS members but had decided to get tattoos and try drinking, and she got a job at a liquor store and started drinking and having people over almost every weekend. Her being flirty with guys was emphasized whenever she was drunk, she would laugh and touch their had or leg for example in a flirtatious way which also made me uncomfortable.
I was going through some pretty severe depression because at this point I’d been let go from my “dream” job and everything I worked for kinda fell apart in terms of my career, and I just became reclusive, got pretty addicted to video games, and she’s told me she thought about leaving me multiple times during that time.
Fast forward a few months and I finally decided to try to put myself out there again, and got a job doing solar sales with my brother in law. I told her I’d stay up there during the week and work and come home on weekends until I had enough money to move us up and sell our condo. Which ended up being only about four weeks and we found a place to move into.
Well I kept that job for about another month before the managers closed up because someone had been stealing a ton of money, and ended up getting a job with my wife driving forklifts, and we did that for a while but our relationship got pretty rocky when I found out she’d been messaging one of the coworkers from the liquor store who she told me would always hit on her and make sexual comments to her.
This upset me and I told her she shouldn’t be messaging someone who clearly doesn’t care about her or her best interest and has treated her the way she was treated by him previously, she agreed and told me she wouldn’t message him anymore but about two weeks later she was in bed asleep when her phone started ringing and I checked it and he was calling her. So I admittedly went through her phone and saw they’d been messaging for about a month all day morning and night saying super dirty things she wouldn’t even say to me, exchanging nudes and talking about running away together or meeting up.
I tried to wake her up but she was extremely drunk, I couldn’t even sleep. the next day we talked and she tried to blame it on the drinking but she knew that wasn’t true because they’d talked for a month. She said she knew it was wrong and didn’t know why she didn’t stop. We talked for about 5 hours and in the end decided to try to work it out, it’s been almost a year but I have an incredibly hard time trusting her even still and I feel like she’s gotten really comfortable but I am still far from healed.
We argued today and it was brought up and it just flooded me with all of the emotions of betrayal all over again.
I don’t feel like our relationship is healthy and I feel like someone she has a lot of room to grow as a person and needs to work on herself and be comfortable with who she is.
I feel so guilty for even writing this but really could use some advice.
15 comments
You guys grew up and grew apart. She wants to date around, you aren’t sure. This is going to flame out unless you guys have an honest conversation about what is bothering you. Don’t feel guilty about wanting to leave. You’re finally seeing the forest for the trees.
Brother get out
It doesn’t seem either one of you is very happy in this relationship.
infidelity is explicitly given as a legitimate reason for divorce in scripture for this reason. having to carry the burden of how she betrayed your trust is not required of you as a spouse. you don’t have to feel guilty. I’m sorry you’re going through this. it sounds like you each have personal struggles aside from your marriage and I’m hoping the best.
What I want you to do is to imagine this:
Situations are reversed and your wife is in a struggling situation but doing her best to improve. She works at it and she thinks it’s worth it.
Now imagine you as her husband were out partying, sexting and generally detaching. What kind of mindset would you the husband be in for this to happen? Probably one of total disregard towards your wife.
Now think about your reality, your wife does not have your back.
You should obviously figure out your situation and stop struggling because your own well being has to be in tip top shape before you engage into a relationship with someone, it’s just how it works.
LDS, white, Muslim or black – most people just straight up suck.
You have tried to move on. Did you do therapy? If not you can try that but its ok to walk away if you cant trust again. I have forgiven my EX but I would never trust her again because of how easy it was for her to lie and cover everything up.
You have no obligation to “work through” cheating. You are entitled to just leave. Take that advice or not, it’s what most people would do.
Not that it will change the correct choice, but I have to say it’s not a surprise that you both grew up mormon and then had your lives fall apart when its grasp loosened on you. That shit is a cult and it teaches its members (especially kids) a ton of unhealthy coping mechanisms to stay in line, but when you fall out of its graces you are left with just about nothing.
No, your relationship is not healthy. Yes you should end it. Also, don’t feel guilty it went down this way, you were likely never prepared for real life. She fucked it up worse than you did, so don’t give her any sympathy, but do focus on figuring out what you want in life here on out.
Leave. You are so young. Do not let religious guilt weigh you down and force you to stay in an unhappy marriage with a wife who strays!
That isn’t guilt that is fear. Fear that you will hurt someone that means something to you. That is normal and if you are honest and empathetic. It is ok and you need to accept they will be hurt. Just never think throwing the truth as a spear to inflict pain is the same. Breaking up is something as simple as, “This isn’t working I really tried and I know have too. I just think it is best we go our separate ways” don’t look for blame and don’t accept it either. Far to often we let our fear of the hurt we’ll cause become anger so we can find justification and avoid the pain.
So your wife has cheated on you, is still cheating on you, and will continue to cheat on you for the foreseeable future. Why would you want to stay with someone who values feces more than she values you and your relationship?
The most common reason that people cheat is that they don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship.
Your wife did not marry you because she wanted to be in a monogamous, forever relationship with you; she did it because the church said that she had to.
You can’t make someone want a committed relationship. Its sad that you will have to go through the hassle and expense of divorce, but it is better that it happen before you have more years in and before you have any kids.
Oooph, I’m a former Mormon. They sure do beat that sense of righteous Christian shame and guilt into us, don’t they? CTR…lol
So, it’s been a year and you still have issues with trust. I’d say her behaviors probably haven’t changed and she hasn’t earned that trust back. At this point, it’s probably time to talk to a professional. Someone outside the church. Y’all don’t need the Bishop shaming you for being humans. You need someone who can help you understand why this is happening. (I’ll give you a hint, it has a lot to do with how heavily repressed mormon women are.)
According to your faith, your soul yearned for this life. This life is too short to be miserable. You are trying to control your partner. They’re trying to be independent. You’re both miserable. If things don’t improve m, don’t stay anchored to a sunken ship. Find someone who wants the same things you want in life. Why not let them chose their own happiness?
End it. End it. End it. End it. End it. End it. Etc.
It sounds like you are going through a very difficult and painful situation. You have been betrayed by your wife, who cheated on you and then lied to you about it. It’s understandable that you would be feeling angry, hurt, and confused, and that you would be considering leaving the relationship.
However, it’s important to remember that relationships can be complex and that people make mistakes. It sounds like your wife is genuinely remorseful for what she did and that she is willing to work on the relationship. It may be worth considering couples therapy to help you both address the issues in your relationship and try to rebuild trust and intimacy.
It’s also important to take care of yourself in this situation. It’s understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed, but it’s important to make sure you are getting enough support and self-care. It may be helpful to talk to a therapist or trusted friend or family member about your feelings and get some outside perspective.
Ultimately, the decision about whether to stay in the relationship or not is a personal one that only you can make. It may be helpful to take some time to think about your own needs and desires, and consider what is best for you in the long term.
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