My boyfriend (34M) and I (31F) broke up tonight and I’m crushed even though I knew it was coming.
We had been together since April and things got serious pretty quickly, but all was going well for a while so I thought it was real love and we had a beautiful future together…he was nonjudgmental, kind to everyone, he was very sweet to me, we had a lot in common, the sex was great, we wanted the same thing for our future, I was happy overall with him and he seemed equally happy with me.
But a few months ago, probably about halfway into our relationship, I started having an intuitive feeling that he wasn’t right for me. We didn’t have a ton of arguments or fights (nowhere near as many as some couples I know) but when we did it just hurt me so much that my intuition/gut feeling/nagging subconscious voice, whatever you want to call it, would say to me “This isn’t going to work. He isn’t the right one for me.”
We were very compatible in a lot of ways, but the problems in his life and the things we weren’t compatible on were big issues for me. One problem was his mother being the epitome of a JN mom/MIL. She is a very nasty miserable abusive person, violent, alcoholic etc. and although he did lay down boundaries with her and kept her out of our relationship and never introduced her to me, I knew it was only a temporary solution for a permanent problem. He told me she was obsessing about finding me and had been looking for me online, so I was terrified she’d eventually find my address and show up at my house one day. His father was also a problem for him, his dad is the mom’s #1 enabler and he also has financial issues, like owing a lot of money to the IRS and always relying on my (ex)boyfriend for help with paying the bills. His parents have basically set him up for never being able to have financial stability/independence until after they’re dead. Like he hasn’t had his own place for the past 2 years because when he got a new job he took a pay cut, so he can’t afford it. He started living with me this summer, and if he wasn’t staying with me then he would be at his father’s house 2 hours away. He had previously lived with his mom who is only half an hour away from me, but when he started dating me shit hit the fan with her almost immediately because she is so jealous and possessive of him, so he had to move out.
But the bigger problem for me, and what made the voice in the back of my mind start talking, is when he started getting complacent with our relationship, and inconsistent with his treatment of me and showing me love…he would be sweet and caring, then cold and distant. Like sometimes he would ask me how my day went, then other days he wouldn’t ask, or if he did ask he looked like he didn’t actually give a shit and was just going through the motions. Stuff like that.
After a few months he started getting lazy and thoughtless with communication too, he wouldn’t keep me in the loop with his day. A turning point was back in July he was 2 hours late one afternoon. He knew he was going to be late, but he never told me there was a change of plans and he had no apology for me either when he finally showed up. That was our first fight. He thought he did nothing wrong. He didn’t understand I was upset because he never bothered to tell me that he was running behind, and even more upset that he did not apologize.
Stuff like that happened several more times over the past few months, and each time it was so hurtful and upsetting for me because he never wanted to apologize or admit he was wrong. He would eventually say he was sorry for hurting me and that he would do better, and he seemed genuine about it, but that would only happen after a few hours of arguing and trying to explain why I felt so disrespected and unappreciated. It also hurt because he knew I would get really anxious and worry that something awful had happened to him if I didn’t hear from him when he said he’d call/text me. I always gave him plenty of space and wasn’t blowing up his phone all day (we barely even texted at all to be honest) so I felt like I wasn’t asking for much…I just wanted him to keep me in the loop with his schedule and whereabouts, tell me when he would be home if he was working late, tell me if he got to his dad’s house safely or not etc. I will admit one of the reasons why I would get anxiety (and I know this probably seems ridiculous) is he drives a Tesla, and I kept seeing stories of terrible accidents happening with those cars, so sometimes I would get scared that he was locked inside of his car and was burning alive because it short-circuited during a car crash or something. I had gotten locked inside that car twice over the summer because of a glitch with the key, so I like to think my fear wasn’t totally unreasonable.
I always made my wants and needs known to him. He would go through periods where I saw effort from him and he improved his communication with me, showed his appreciation for me, told me more often that he loves me, talked to me about our future together and what he wants for us…but then it would always change again. Back and forth, on and off.
Last night was the breaking point for me. He’s been sick this week so I asked him if he would just come home after work and rest, but he insisted on going to play volleyball at a place an hour away with his friends like he always does on Thursday nights. I knew he was going to be stubborn about it, so I decided to not argue. He was always home around 11 PM on Thursdays, and most of the time would let me know around 10 that he had started driving home…but by 11 PM last night I still hadn’t gotten a text from him that he was on his way. Something in me just broke and I lost it. He had done shit like this to me several times already and I was fed up. I started crying, I was so anxious and angry with him, so I called and texted him a few times during that 10 to 11 PM window of silence. It was only an hour of no response from him, but like I said something in me just snapped.
He didn’t answer until shortly after 11 and told me then that he was on his way home. I asked him what happened and where was he, if he was safe. He told me he had gone to a bar with his friends after their game. Then I asked him why didn’t he let me know he was going to do that and would be home later than usual, and he replied “I don’t know. I just went.” Then I asked him if he was drunk, because he had driven drunk once before several months ago so that was a concern of mine as well, and he replied “Uhhhh…no.” I didn’t entirely believe that he was sober, I feel like a sober person wouldn’t have needed to pause and think about their current state.
When he got home I ripped him a new asshole. I was angrier than I’d ever been with him before. I laid out how I felt so disrespected by him, that I didn’t appreciate him being so thoughtless and not having the consideration to keep me in the loop so that I wouldn’t worry about him, that it isn’t acceptable to treat me this way if he truly loves me, and told him I can’t do this again. We went to bed angry. The last thought I had before I fell asleep was “This isn’t working. He’s not right for me. It’s over.”
He apologized to me this morning and said we’d talk about it later, but as soon as he got home I just immediately knew we were breaking up. He initiated it. He told me there’s been “love lost” for him after the fights we’ve had about my issues with his communication and not feeling appreciated enough by him, he said he doesn’t want to keep hurting me, doesn’t think he’s the right person for me, and doesn’t think he’s ever going to change. I told him if he wants to be in a serious long term relationship (he told me multiple times that he does, he was actually even the one who asked me to be his girlfriend) then he’s gonna have to change because I seriously doubt any woman who wants a long term partner is going to want a guy who doesn’t communicate, doesn’t apologize, and is not consistent with how he shows his love. I don’t think he believed me.
The sad stupid part of me that does love him (I think) didn’t want to break up and wanted to keep trying because I’m so attached to the times in our relationship that were so good, when he was sweet and giving me what I needed making me feel loved…but I knew I had no choice but to agree with him. I finally admitted to him what my intuition had been telling me for months, and he understood. He’s not the right person for me. I’ve known this for months and I saw this coming, but I’m still so heartbroken.
I don’t know if I do or did really love him. He told me he knows at least some of his love for me was real and it’s not a lie when he says he loves me, but…I don’t know for sure anymore. I feel like if it was actually true love for both of us, then my intuition would have never been telling me that he wasn’t right for me. I don’t hate him, I think he is bad partner material but not a bad person, it was a civil mutual split and not even many tears were shed during our breakup conversation to be honest. But I’m still so sad, hurt, angry, and disappointed most of all. The disappointment in another failed relationship with someone I thought I loved very much, and thought I had a bright loving happy future with, is making up the bulk of my heartbreak right now.
Fortunately I have my mom and my friends around me tonight. I’m supported and feel their love for me. I know I’ll be okay. But I’m still so heartbroken…even though I knew this was coming.
If you read all of this thank you so much. I just needed to vent, and I guess I would also like some validation that I gave him my best effort.
TL;DR – heartbroken over my relationship ending even though I knew it was never going to work, would like some support from internet strangers.
edited for a typo that was bugging me
1 comment
It sounds like your relationship with your ex-boyfriend had some significant issues that you were not able to resolve, despite your efforts to communicate and address them. It’s understandable that you would feel heartbroken and upset about the breakup, but it’s important to remember that sometimes relationships don’t work out and it’s better to end things rather than continue in a relationship that is not fulfilling or healthy. It’s also important to take care of yourself after a breakup and allow yourself time to heal and process your feelings. It’s okay to feel upset and grieve the loss of the relationship, but try to focus on the positive aspects of your life and the things that make you happy. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, and try to engage in activities that bring you joy and help you feel good about yourself. It’s also important to remember that you are not alone and that breakups are a common and normal part of life. It’s okay to seek support and guidance from a therapist or counselor if you feel overwhelmed or need help coping with your emotions.