I find the idea that men are supposed to pay for the whole meal on the first date to be really uncomfortable. I am not a helpless woman, I am gainfully employed and I just think it’s a weird like 1950s standard, and it makes me feel really weird like fake reaching for a wallet only to have a guy say he’ll pay. Is it weird to text a guy that I expect to pay for my own meal on our first date for these reasons, basically that I’m a big girl and that I think it’s a stupid standard? The ask out was pretty mutual so it’s not one-sided. Thanks!
18 comments
I dont think you have to text them to say that but at the end of the meal, make the move to split the bill 🙂
It’s not about being helpless it’s about a man showing you he’s a gentleman and wants to court you. It’s a nice gesture. Why does it make you uncomfortable? And what does being a big girl have to do with anything?
I don’t think it’s weird if you pay for your own cause at first it is more of a friendly meet up just to see what might happen
I just pay half when there, wouldn’t text first to be honest.
41 M. I always pay for a lady – ALWAYS. It’s how I was raised and it’s what I believe in. And no, I don’t expect anything in return. That’s just sort of my programmed default setting.
If a woman insisted on paying for her part, I guess I’d be okay with it. Would just feel odd to me, and in a way I’d feel like I wasn’t doing my job. But it’s also disrespectful to the girl to refuse to let her pay – so kind of a Catch-22. However that’s never happened to me, so it’s beside the point.
I always just say ” separate checks” and move on. Usually guys don’t seem to care. One guy seemed a little off put by it, but then he got the tickets for the museum we went to so that was really nice of him, and I said thanks multiple times.
Just ask for separate checks when you order or pay for a round of drinks (or tickets or whatever) beforehand.
Just tell him you’re going dutch before the date. It’s not hard. If he insists, accept the compliment. If you think he’s insisting so you feel like you owe him something, then don’t go on the date.
Just pay for everything when the check comes
Good for you!
I personally think it shows that he is a gentleman, and is generous. I think it’s lovely. It makes me really appreciate him and want to do something nice in return.
I appreciate you. It is a silly standard when we’re are all supposed to be equal. Mutual respect and consideration for someone else’s time/money is important.
With that being said, per usual I would offer to pay for our meal/date but wouldn’t be offended in any way if you wanted to split. It’s honestly more attractive to me than someone who ***expects*** the man to pay for everything. The expectation is a huge turn-off to me.
I’m not saying traditional values are wrong in any way, they’re just not what I believe in or find attractive in a potential significant other.
I don’t think it’s weird at all. As a guy I might counter offer with “let me get this one, if we hit it off you can get the next one”, but I wouldn’t be offended if you insisted. I also have a weird hang up about asking servers to track two different checks, I don’t ever want to be an annoying guest.
Typically the way it goes is girl offers, guy says he’ll pay and then girl either insists or let the guy pay. Just tell him what you said here and he should have no problem in letting you split, if anything he’d be impressed and relieved that you’re there for him and not for a free meal
So the old school dating rule – whoever asked out the other is the person that pays. That was when I was growing up however the men need to pay standard has been there looooooong ass time and it was because back then it was a way to show the woman who didn’t have their own money… that the man was a good provider. It’s archaic and outdated. I always pay for myself because I’ve had it used against me too many times that I need to return whatever. So it’s just automatic. Even if they offer. 🤷🏻♀️ but ya that’s why lol
First date. The guy should pay. I get your point , but the problem is the guy may take it as you not being interested. You don’t owe the guy anything, but if a woman turned me down for paying and wanted to split then i would think she isn’t interested. I may even move onto the next girl.
You’d have to let the guy know that you’re interested in him by telling him at the end of the date or texting him later on. Or perhaps even better. It’s even ok to just be honest about your thought process about splitting checks. Then he should understand.
I do this all the time. When my [now] boyfriend asked me out on a date for the very first time (during the getting to know phase), I told him right away that I don’t really like other people paying for my meal. It is a personal value that I live by. Also because when I eat somewhere new, I like splurging and getting desserts (plural lol). He said it was fine with him. Since then there was no pressure where to eat (even in a really expensive place lol) because he knows I’ll be paying my share. He always ends up paying for my drink tho because he wants to. We would always end up going to really nice places and share good memories. Until now we still do things mutually. If he buys me a meal, I make sure that I will be buying him a meal next time we go out or something.
To me it’s not really taking record of things, but being mindful of your partner (or date) also goes to show that you care for the other person.
Although I admit that when I used to date women (I’m a pansexual btw), I also tend to be generous hahaha I would always offer to pay first. I don’t really mind if they won’t pay they share. Them going out and spending time with me is already enough.
I do this all the time. When my [now] boyfriend asked me out on a date for the very first time (during the getting to know phase), I told him right away that I don’t really like other people paying for my meal. It is a personal value that I live by. Also because when I eat somewhere new, I like splurging and getting desserts (plural lol). He said it was fine with him. Since then there was no pressure where to eat (even in a really expensive place lol) because he knows I’ll be paying my share. He always ends up paying for my drink tho because he wants to. We would always end up going to really nice places and share good memories. Until now we still do things mutually. If he buys me a meal, I make sure that I will be buying him a meal next time we go out or something.
To me it’s not really taking record of things, but being mindful of your partner (or date) also goes to show that you care for the other person.
Although I admit that when I used to date women (I’m a pansexual btw), I also tend to be generous hahaha I would always offer to pay first. I don’t really mind if they won’t pay they share. Them going out and spending time with me is already enough.
I always offer to split/go Dutch. I’ll let him pay if he insists but if I enjoyed the date I offer to buy him a coffee or dessert.