So I (24M) am finding it harder and harder to make new friends because I can find a group that I can fit in with after college.
When I was a kid, I grew up surrounded by female role models and friends. I lived mainly with my grandma and my mom and our neighbourhood kids were mostly girls. Naturally, I grew up “girly” and didn’t have many guy friends. I never learned how to behave masculinely as most guys can.
Though I’ve enjoyed the company of many friends from different genders in college, this has become a problem in recent months started working. I realized unlike in college, guys and girls don’t belong in the same social groups. I know am supposed to be one with “the boys” but I find male social gatherings uncomfortable. I can’t relate to their experiences and don’t share their interests in things like cars or hunting or things like that. Naturally, I thought I could just bond with my female colleagues just like how I used to bond with my neighbourhood friends but that’s not “normal” anymore.
Now, the guys think I’m gay which I’m not (and there should be no problem even if I am) and don’t want to hang out with me. The girls think I’m weird for liking girly things and think I’m pretending to be this way I can date them (which I’m not, I’m currently happy to be single).
Now pretty much the only friends I have are my college friend groups but I am sure eventually these groups would change and disappear. It’s already difficult for us to consistently hang out in person. I am terrified of loneliness and I don’t want to end up friendless after a couple of years. What should I do moving forward? Should I just embrace the fact that I just need to be more manly so I can fit in?
TLDR: Because of the environment I was raised in, I’m finding it hard to find friends because I can’t fit into gendered social groups. I’m too girly for the guys and the girls think I’m pretending. I’m scared that I will end up friendless as my college friends slowly move away from my life. What should I do?
22 comments
Why don’t you try joining some clubs or evening classes that might attract the sorts of people that might become friends? Whatever your interests might be: sport, book club, baking classes, whatever? You need to go digging for friends sometimes but they do come along.
What are these situations where you’re choosing to hang out with either The Girls or The Boys?
You have to be yourself. Faking a personality is not the way to go. Join interest groups and go based on that. If these people are too shallow to want to get to know you, then you wouldn’t have much of a friendship anyhow.
Doing Meetup, hobby classes like art or cooking and taking care of personal fitness will serve you better.
What sort of hobbies or interests do you have that you consider more feminine?
I go for beers and watch the football even though I couldn’t care less about football but I do like a pint. Most of the time the football is only the excuse to be out anyway.
I wouldn’t describe myself as anywhere near “Woke” but the way you describe your male colleagues tells me they are either insufferable or you have issues with how you view genders. Nobody likes the type of guy who bashes you for being gay and gigachad downs pints of beer through a funnel. Not even the other Chad’s.
There are plenty of guys with varied interests, you just need to find ones with similar interests so as someone else said seek out clubs or groups.
Some of my dearest friends are men that end up being friends with women more. You will find people! You are exactly the type of person I am often friends with
coed sports are probably a good compromise. soccer, volleyball, softball, kickball?
Do you live in a place that is super old fashioned and stuck in the old times where men drive trucks and watch sports and drink beer while wrestling and talking about how many broads they’ve banged, and women go shopping for new dresses after a mani-pedi and giggle while they talk about boys?
While there might be places like that still in the world, it’s not likely that you’re in such a place that EVERYONE is backwards.
Be yourself. Meet people like yourself. I have more female friends than male friends. That isn’t weird.
Your whole world view sounds so weird.
Sounds like you have such a huge hangup on things that truly nobody else really cares about (like your sexuality) – that I think this is an answer more for a therapist and something you should look inwardly about.
Maybe it’s just your current job. My work place people hang out in mixed groups and are social with everyone. Even if you are “different” from stereotypes most work places you at least have work in common so you can relate over that.
Find a hobby or club that is gender neutral. Something like running, or hiking.
The statement “I realized unlike in college, guys and girls don’t belong in the same social circle” – um what? Are you saying guys and girls can’t be friends or can’t have intermixed friends group? That doesn’t make any sense. All of my various friends groups are mixed with men and women, that’s perfectly natural. If anything, it’s strange to me to imagine a friends group of just one gender completely.
Maybe you’re focusing too much on masculine vs feminine and maybe that’s why you’re having trouble connecting with people? What are you trying to connect with people on? What are your hobbies and interests? What do you talk about when you’re trying to “bond”? If you’re presenting yourself as being overly excited to spend time with women solely because they’re women I can see that as being pretty off-putting, similarly if you’re immediately dismissing men because you already have a preconceived notion that you won’t have anything in common that will also be closing you off immediately.
Do you like to read? Join a book club.
Like animals? Join your local humane society.
Religious? Join some church activities.
Whatever your interests are…there is a group for that.
When I look back on my friendships after college…some were met through work, others I befriended while volunteering. Volunteering is a good way to make friends because volunteers tend to me nice people.
I don’t know where you live that groups and activities are so gendered, my fashion/style/dance friends are mostly guys and my gamer friends are 50/50 men and women. Just find people who like to do the same things you like to do.
Maybe this is down to where you live and/or work or something because this has not been my experience at all as an older guy. Most of my friends have been girls my entire post college life. I think perhaps you’re leaping to conclusions about the world from a small sample set? You’re 24 so guessing you’ve been out of school for only a couple of years? You don’t sound isolated, so I would say just keep socializing and always say yes to invites with new folks and you’ll find groups you click with more. It’s sorta like dating in that way
You need to be friends with poets and artists. Go to those places and say hi to people and compliment them. Solved.
So, I’m basically a girl tomb boy, and don’t really like “girly” things, and I can get along with other girls just fine as well as guys, it really comes down to the person. My best friend (a girl) and I are total opposites but our friendship is dope. She’s like totally more girly. I feel like you’re overthinking this. Don’t limit yourself with who you can get along with based on interests.
Try and talk to people and get to know them and don’t be afraid to be yourself. If someone judges you for who you are forget about them they don’t matter, you don’t wanna be friends with people like that. Give guys a chance and don’t assume that they think you’re gay, don’t like you, are too feminine etc. don’t forget that things take time and it’s gonna be awkward for a bit when making new friends. I’ve been working at my new job for about 8 months now and I’m just barely getting real comfortable with the girls. Literally none of them like what I do but I tell them about what I like and they listen and we talk about it and they tell me what they like and I talk about it with them.
I had a mentality like yours when I was like 20 idk why I felt I couldn’t get along with girls but I realized I’m bisexual and that’s why I get intimidated lol.
Friends are overrated
at the end of the day, you have to be true to yourself because you wouldn’t wanna be in a friend group where you had to pretend to act away you’re not and be superficial around them. join clubs, sports maybe, and find people that way! i promise not everyone assumes the worst of everyone when they meet them and get to know them.
Please don’t change the way you are, or try to fit in. Perhaps you can try and meet people at other places; the gym, library or at similar interest groups?
Nowadays most people do not really care for ” typical ” (old fashioned) gender patterns and norms anymore. I have friends from different genders, even one I don’t know the gender of, but all are great and unique people. I’m sure there are a lot of people who will appreciate you for who and the way you are.
I find your colleagues ways of thinking a bit backwards by the way.
might be an odd suggestion but i would suggest seeing if theres a GSA in your area you could join, a lot of queer circles tend to be more accepting of gnc individuals
Trust me there are people like you out there. My boyfriend is very feminine which is part of the reason I love him so much. I think a lot of his friends also grew up with females as well. I mean he doesn’t have that many friends he’s actually not super social but to the friends he does have lol. It’s definitely got an easier for him with age. He and I were kind of outsiders when we were younger
I feel you brother, as I move into adulthood it seems harder to find friends as well. I think in this case we need to improve our social skills so we can go out and meet new people, as well as understanding men and masculinity. Guys often have it backwards in that they want to understand a girl they like, then girls in general, then themselves, and then understanding men. I believe it should be reverse where we understand what it means to be a man, then understand ourself and how we can integrate masculinity in our unique characteristics, THEN understanding women and then the specific woman.