I have deep talks with my best friend. We try to be honest with each other and make each other a better person. Recently he’s told me that I’m just not fun to be around and I agree. I haven’t been myself since the lockdown ended. I’ve lost the ability to make someone laugh and genuinely enjoy conversing with me.
Some things that I do that *might be* bad are:
I get stuck up on things. I ruin the flow of the conversation cause I think that it’s funny even though it isn’t fun for others
I can’t make decisions and I usually just agree with whatever the other person says. I want to learn how to have an opinion.
I also want to develop a personality. I do not know what that means exactly but I do know that it’s something important.
Any tips?
9 comments
How do you develop a personality? It helps to develop your own interests. No one is completely indifferent to everything. There are some things that catch your attention more than others. Those are your interests. When it comes to conversation, it helps to know a little about a lot.
If you think something’s funny when in conversation, don’t wait for others to laugh in agreement. I drop duds regularly in conversation but no one notices because I don’t dwell
on it or wait for validation, and keep talking so I don’t stanch the flow.
You don’t always have to make someone laugh. Often it’s enough to have a conversation where two people are exchanging ideas, thoughts, experiences sincerely. Where you get deep but maybe not so deep.
I read how to win friends and influence people and practiced techniques in that book. It helped me, I don’t usually struggle in social situations but I have some social anxiety and I genuinely want to make connections with people.
Pandemic threw off a lot of routines and times to connect with people. I think a lot of people are struggling with connecting with others. Know you’re not alone in redeveloping some charisma. It is a skill, and we “practice” it in day to day interactions. You are ahead of the ballgame with picking up on things that you want to change, be mindful in addressing them. I know too when I struggle to converse or “be fun around” there is something else going on. Either I’m uninspired in my life or something is preoccupying my mind. Sometimes it’s hard to be present and connect with others.
Do things. Read books. Take on more responsibility.
Why can’t you make decisions? Do you find yourself having an opinion but you are afraid of judgement and it being the unpopular opinion? Or do you just genuinely have no feelings towards things?
It sounds like you aren’t putting enough focus on yourself or your own enjoyment of life. Its really easy to neglect those things, then go into a spiral where you have less to say, feel less confident, then have even less to say.
You pointed out a few things that you know aren’t working for you, so start by eliminating those.
– No more ruining conversational flow– that is extremely frustrating for other people and isn’t worth the laugh it gives you.
– You’re aware that you aren’t giving much back when people share an opinion, so slow down when you feel yourself passively agreeing. If you can’t think of a genuine opinion, play devil’s advocate– ask the other person a hypothetical question, or ask them to explain themselves further. if you’re actively listening, you’ll probably form an opinion as they speak.
– Listen to yourself when you’re talking to others. Do you tend to give things a pessimistic tilt? Do you bring everything back to your own experience? Are you aware of the way you are making others feel, responding to the reactions people are giving you?
– Make your free time enriching. Go on a hunt for podcasts– they dont have to be intellectual, just different, informational, funny. Get some concert tickets, or find some local music. Start a project that requires some work (make something, participate in a festival, host some friends for a meal). You don’t have to know what interests you yet– explore until you find something you are excited to delve into, then look for more. Sometimes it helps to join a class, hire a trainer, shadow a friend who does something well, just to get your confidence up when trying something new.
– Half the time, just being present makes you better company. Just being on your phone less, taking your headphones off when in public, learning to listen and retain the details someone shares of themselves– that is going to make you someone nice to hang around.
Oooh I have had the exact same thing, I was a hermit for about 1.5 years due to Covid and I became a total dud. I feel much better about my social skills/personality after working on it this year.
Number one is to socialize more if you don’t talk to many people right now. It’s a practice thing, I had much better social skills working retail and it took a downturn when I was being a hermit.
Then, try to really speak your mind. Not making decisions is really holding you back, try to have an opinion about everything (in general). “Idk what do you want to do” is lame as hell. Even if you are cool with either option, say your opinion on them. “I lean toward A but I’d be happy to do B as well” is a huge improvement.
The point here is that the other person is not hanging out with you to just do what they want and to have their opinions mirrored back to them. People are interesting because they’re different from you and have things to say that you wouldn’t have thought of.
This sounds like a lot of pressure, but you do have thoughts and opinions. Think of it as, if you were alone and thinking about the topic you are taking about, what would you think? And it doesn’t have to be something different, if someone says they love a movie, you can love it too and give a reason why to add something to the convo.
Also, try to let go of social mishaps. Everyone says something that doesn’t land, that’s part of being you. Other people have different pasts and different minds so not everything is gonna line up. If you try too hard to be a people pleaser/social chameleon, you aren’t being you.
the pandemic threw all social rules out of the book for me and when I was younger I cared a lot, but not at 20. I like to describe myself as being drunk but without the alcohol and I only just spurt out and laugh about everything I think about off my head within bounds. it’s pretty fun! I also make an effort to be honest and open about my quirks and habits to make it easy for people to navigate conversations with me because I do have a tad bit of energy, and also try to plan things outside of things like conversations. But honestly on the latter I’m not the best at planning and usually leave that to the other person.
Being fun to be around shouldn’t be the goal. What you want is for people to respect and admire you. That has nothing to do with being fun.
So what makes someone fun to be around? To me it’s an energy someone brings.
The quiet person who doesn’t talk much and doesn’t have any opinions on anything isn’t fun.
Why is having an opinion fun?
Well what do you want to do tonight?
Compare: “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
To
“I’m craving tacos and there’s this awesome place downtown we should try!”
The fun person is the person who gets you into adventures and the person you tell your other friends about.
But how to do that? For some people it just comes naturally. For others, you gotta work on it. Look around, find something you’re interested in and you want to do, and drag your friends along. Doesn’t matter if you don’t think they’re interested in it – they’ll likely just be interested in you and your energy and your passion for something and enjoy the experience even if the event isn’t something they’d normally enjoy.
Like, I have a good friend who is into art. Art isn’t my scene. But I’ve gone to art shows and museums with her and had a blast because she’s fun to hang out with regardless of the fact that ordinarily, I’d never just go to an art show on my own.