I (20NB) am currently living with my grandmother.
She feels the need to fill every second with monologues, usually complaints about how everyone is against her, how awful everything is, the economic burden I give her, etc.
I’ve tried to participate in the conversation before, but she usually ignores what I say, interrupts me or so on. I think she just wants someone to listen to her talk, which I get, but as a suicidal person I’m not really up to listening to someone talk about how shitty everything is every day all day.
Still, I could put up with it, except that she does this even when I’m tired or sad, and she ignores all the signals I’ve tried to give that I need some space.
Is there a more direct way to ask for silence without ending in an argument?
25 comments
How much do you depend on her good will?
Because saying No works. ‘i was persecuted!’ ‘No.’ You’re horrible!’ ‘No.’
Only do this during monologues. Do not elaborate. Do not apologize.
Or get headphones and overtly ignore her.
tell her you need some time for yourself.
Be straightforward.
You’re old enough. Move out.
It sounds to me like she is not going to be taking hints or even direct conversation.
For me the best bet would be to not be around her more than necessary.
Just get your headphones out or blast some music
Grandma, you’re being really negative, can we put the radio on?
Grandma, all the things you’re saying are 1. Complaints 2. The same things you said yesterday. Give it a rest and go outside will ya?
Grandma if everything you have to talk about is a big ol bucket of bummer, maybe you’re depressed. Can I help you make a doctors appointment so you can talk to a professional? I don’t think you’ve always been like this.
Grandma I can’t hear you, I’m listening to something on these headphones
Try all the ways. But there is no guaranteed way to get her to shut up. Rude or polite.
Lol at the people who thinks other people don’t need personal space just cause someone else is housing and feeding them, or that being old enough means economically stable. Try letting her know respectfully that you need some time for yourself once in a while. If it becomes an argument after that, that’s not on you. Hope you figure things out.
Errrr ! You’re living with her. Sounds like you are existing on her dime. If you don’t like it. Why don’t you just fuck off to somewhere that no one talks to unless you want them to. And that you can afford of course. Good luck.
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It sounds like you could talk to your grandmother more than vice versa
Earphones, try to get a job where you’ll be at work most of the time where she would usually bother you, stay in your room, if you have a car find somewhere you could park up for a few hours during the day, don’t entertain every conversation.
There is a book called How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. As a person who feels uncomfortable socially but has worked in management, this book is very helpful! If you can’t buy it, there are library apps (like Hoopla) you can check it out for free. 😊 Best wishes!
r/AgingParents
Welp, it sounds like you can’t really get her to stop talking to you so much altogether, so perhaps there’s a way for you to redirect the conversation in a more positive way so at least it’s not negatively affecting you as much? Ask about her experiences or opinions that’ll have a positive note to them, eg “where’s your favorite place you’ve lived?” or “what music are you listening to these days?” Even if you already know the answer.
I know that these conversations may turn negative, but hopefully they’ll inspire her to look at life in a more positive light and help your relationship with each other.
Best of luck!
Basically the title, just omit the word “fucking”
Say you have to poop! Then take a while and pretend you get a phone call while washing up. Claim you need privacy for call, grab water and snack on way in, while pretending to talk (or phone a friend), go to room until she goes to bed if possible!
Hey grandma I appreciate what you have to say, I can listen to you for one more minute and then I’m going to go spend some time alone.
Hey grandma, I love you very much and I’d like us to talk about more positive things from now on. What’s your favourite tv show?
Hey grandma, I’m feeling low right now and I’d actually like it if you ask me how I’m doing today or can I ask you for a hug
🙂
Older people dont tend to pick up on vibes, you need to verbally tell her you cant be dealing with her shit right now as your having a bad day.
When older family do that, it isn’t a real conversation. She’s just talking *at* you. So as you’ve learned, participation isn’t going to help. Sending her signals to stop are also not going to work, because *she wants to monologue*.
That’s why the only thing you’ve got control over is whether you stay in the room, or you leave. Leaving is your best option. Say you have to pee, and just don’t come back.
She’s is lonely just engage with her A you live w her for free stop being so entitled.
My grandmother is talker I love her and know she is elderly and won’t be around so I listen all the time bc I love her
I once had a 70 year old roommate who would do this too. I eventually started just getting up and walking away
Change the subject and “get distracted” and just stop talking or leave the room. It will make it weird. Every time she brings up something negative, do that. I know it sounds bad but eventually it will train her to not talk about those things because it’s unfulfilling and the subject literally doesn’t work out. And if she doesn’t learn then at least it’ll give you a way out.
A forward approach would be for you to get your metaphorical adult boundary boots on and say “grandma I’m over this subject and would love to hang out with you without talking or in another way” and suggest watching a movie together or something. Or “grandma, i love talking to you but I need silence right now”. It sounds like your grandma wants to offer you something of value. You have to teach her that there are other options of offering you value that will reward her with a great relationship with her grandchild.
Often, people tend to have mercy when you express your appreciation for them and then go in with a boundary. This should prevent an argument.
Also, great character building technique!
Also also, the best way to develop a relationship with someone who is a FUCKING BUMMER is to figure out how to laugh together. Use that information however you like.
As hard as it is, try to approach your grandmother with empathy and vulnerability. From what you write, it sounds like her constant chatter is a manifestation of her own loneliness and isolation.
I am not a therapist but have spent enough (embarrassingly probably too many) hours in therapy that I feel compelled to recommend the following:
1. Listen to your grandmother and try to understand where her frustrations and resentments come from. Don’t correct her or try to tell her she’s wrong. Her reality is true to her – you can understand it without making it your own.
2. Put yourself in her shoes and give her heartfelt thanks for her financial/logistical support. Accepting that we need help can be really hard – but we all need help! Making yourself vulnerable by giving voice to how much you appreciate what she does for you will give you perspective into her life and let her know that that you do not take the sacrifices she goes through to help you for granted.
3. Bear your soul and tell her all about how hard life is for you right now. If you sat down with a stranger off the street and gave them a thorough and honest description of what you are going through right now, that person would want to do whatever was in their hands help you. Blood ties aren’t always a guarantee of closeness or affection but, being that she’s your grandmother and she is already helping you in other ways, I think it’s highly likely she will be very moved by your honesty and vulnerability and want to help you in whatever way she can. Ask for help in whatever form you need it and she is willing to give – be it occasional bouts of silence, hugs, check-ins or positive enforcement.
If your grandmother is lonely and feels disconnected and isolated from you and the rest of the world, she probably needs your help as much as you need hers.
dont really know if this helps but ive been through similar situations before and what ive noticed is they usually dont care if you respond to them or not,, so what i do is tune their voice out but just nod or go “hm” / “yeah that sucks” every now and then without ever actually paying attention to what theyre talking about