After a break from dating, I’ve (27, M, London) been on quite a few dates recently and they mostly follow a common pattern:
\-Get along well with quite a few laughs and stories.
\-Have quite a few drinks and end up staying out together quite late (while getting quite drunk).
\-Some build up of sexual tension which sometimes leads to kissing, but they’re always comfortable with me touching them.
\-When I try to arrange a second date, I get responses like we’re looking for different things, I don’t see it going further, I didn’t feel a spark, you’re a nice guy (RIP).
It can be frustrating that they stay out with me for hours and hours but don’t want to meet again.
I was dating earlier in the year with a better logistical set up and I was doing the same thing but asking the girls if they wanted to go back to mine at the end of the date and around 10 girls said yes over a 6 week period.
**My thoughts on what’s going wrong at the moment:**
\-My current logistics aren’t suited to inviting them back as easily as earlier this year. This may be holding me back mentally to not escalate and naturally build up the sexual tension but I feel that the dates are mostly the same – except I would invite them back after 3ish drinks rather than staying in a bar and having 7+.
\-The quality of women I’m meeting at the moment feels higher than earlier in the year (I’ve worked on myself and appearance this year), so I may be putting them on a pedestal subconsciously but I don’t feel that way on the dates.
\-Do ‘higher quality’ women have higher expectations that I’m not meeting?
\-Me being ‘too nice.’
I would appreciate some advice or insight on what I could do to improve. Thanks
12 comments
I was recently the woman in this scenario. I dated this guy, he was nice, worked on his education, had a job, worked out, etc. nothing wrong with him. He also kissed me. However I realised for me there was no spark, I just wasn’t attracted to him. All his accomplishments made me think ‘good for you’ rather than ‘that’s so attractive’, i didn’t like his kissing and just felt absolutely nothing when he touched me. Nothing he could have done differently would have changed my mind, I’m just not into him.
1. It’s not about what you do
2. It’s not about who you are
On average, you’ll be incompatible with 90% of all people you’ll ever meet, dates included (were you friends with everyone in your highschool class? I bet it was like 1-3 people out of 30). Out of these 10%, some might be busy, dating someone else, not looking for anything but a fun night, etc. Based on my and my friends’ of both sexes experiences, it takes about 20-30 first dates to find a real connection. Dating is numbers’ game – always has been. Keep on keeping on.
If the goal is only being physical, and my goal is more than just that alone, I move on
A LTR will be more patient, getting to know me before the physical side alone
If I’m in it for physical or FWB, the chemistry must be intense. I will just disengage to it’s not there on date two
Just keep at it. Don’t get this idea about “higher quality women” being the issue. Because then you’re going to start looking for women you’re not interested because you think the ones you want are “too good”. Not true.
Yeah, I think most of the time it’s just a matter of attractiveness (not just physical, but also character, how you behave, how you move, ecc)
That doesn’t mean they don’t find you physically attractive, but that maybe you are just not their type for an LTR
I would say just work on the general things (physics, style, haircut, confidence), for the rest is just a matter of numbers
This is assuming that you are looking for an LTR
Always assume that every person you go on a date with is doing the same with several other people.
Dating is not only a numbers game but also a competition, and you can’t win every time.
Keep trying.
What are you looking for with these women?
Don’t get drunk.
Women can have a great date with someone but it does not necessarily mean they’re going to feel attraction for you once they’re not in your presence. Led by emotions, if the date is going well, they act accordingly, but if you’re not creating emotional fluidity, and creating a connection on an emotional level, they won’t want to see you again.
Being ‘too nice’ can be a cause of this too, she’s not going on a date with you to find another friend
They don’t owe you another date if they aren’t feeling it. I would do some introspection and see if maybe your perceptions of how it went were aligned with theirs.
That is just how the dance goes unfortunately.
Too nice is always bad most of the times. Don’t be too nice. Most girls aren’t attracted to too nice. If you are too nice, you’ll make many friends, but not many girlfriends. Unless of course you have something else to offer like money.