Hi everyone. I am a longtime lurker on this sub but this is my first post here.
I am a 27 year old straight male who primarily prefers slow sensual romantic sex as opposed to fast, rough, and hard sex. I am also not as dominant in the bedroom as some women seem to want. I am not comfortable choking a woman or slapping her in the face. The most i will do is spanking because i feel like I can do that without hurting her. Inflicting pain on my partner is not a turn on for me.
The problem is that most women I am with seem to want me to be super dominant and be rough with them. Including things like choking and slapping.
I feel emasculated by my own sexual preferences. Almost like I’m less of a man because i enjoy making love instead of just “fucking”.
I even had one girl tell me “if I wanted someone to be gentle with me in bed then I would be dating other women”. Doesn’t feel very good to hear but i tried not to show that it bothered me. I talked with other guys i know and they all seem to prefer rough sex with their girlfriends and laughed when i said I prefer more gentle and romantic sex.
Is there something wrong with me? I am really questioning my masculinity and self worth right now.
47 comments
There is nothing wrong with you. You have your preferences and boundaries and that is completely ok. The people shaming you for it are shitty.
There are women out there with similar preferences to yours. I am one of them.
That one girl was just one girl. Most people are pretty vanilla in reality. People who come here to talk about sex don’t really represent all the people, they’re the open and kinky ones who want to talk about sex. Your preferences are very normal and usual and there’s nothing wrong with you.
I am another woman with similar preferences. We do exist, lots of us.
Yeah what everyone else said! It’s absolutely disgusting to shame someone for their preferences.
I honestly have the reverse problem lol. I am a woman who likes to be more dominant. Doesn’t make me less of a woman.
Your sexual preference don’t reflect anything about your gender. You like what you like and there is no shame in that.
A lot of women have the same preferences as you do. It’s shite that some of the ones who don’t have seen fit to shame you about it.
I mean…I’m down for rough sex or slow. And if I watch porn, I’ll typically watch whatever and find it hot. But I came across one and this dude is full on open palm hitting the back of this woman’s head while deepthroating. Holding her nose while still in her mouth. I couldn’t help but think wtf is this garbage. Genuinely had feelings of guilt and sadness while watching…do not want those feelings while watching.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your preferences at all. You just need to find someone compatible with you, that’s all. Not everyone likes the rough stuff.
Seriously a lot of women want this. I think you just haven’t found the right ones for you. Masculinity has many expressions. This is as masculine and very desirable. Trust me.
There are many women out there who don’t think this is in any way less masculine. Myself included.
Submissive men? Omfg it fucks me up in the best way. Stick to who you are, you just have to find the right partner.
Also, talking to my guy friends, you are not alone feeling this pressure. I have also been with my share of mwn who think they are gonna be my daddy in the bedroom and start putting on some sort of performance they clearly aren’t even comftable with themselves. Nope, no thanks. So many men think us women are naturally submissive. Nah.
Nothing wrong with you at all. That the kind of sex I like too, and finding a guy who fits that bill is a job, let me tell you. Anyone who shames you for that is not worth your time. They are just being toxic and rude. Be who you are proudly. ❤️
I (65m) am the same way, and always have been. I do spank my wife (67f) at her request, but very carefully, just hard enough to sting but not hard enough to hurt. Other than that, everything we do is gentle and loving. OK, I do pound her pretty good toward the end, but again never hard enough to hurt her.
Trust me, don’t doubt your masculinity. I’ve been passionately and gently fucking women for 50 years, and none of them ever questioned mine. It may be something cultural for women your age that there are apparently so many who want it rough, but I’m sure there are still plenty out there who want it the way you do.
Typo Edit: I’m 65, not 654!
Ok I haven’t read every comment sonidnot know if what I’m going to say has already been said
If you like vanilla, making love type of sex that’s completely fine and normal, however, you shouldn’t feel emasculated because of it, you need to have confidence to say what you like without feeling bad, if the girl tells you she would rather get in bed with another girl because of that you should tell her that being with you might not be the best idea
Don’t let anyone shame you because of your preferences, chill dude
Nothing to worry about, dude. There are def girls who would totally cherish this, the feeling safe and the close, intimate bubble it wraps around you. Also you know what you want which an awful lot of people don’t. Don’t feel bad about it at all.
When you talk to other guys, there’s a lot of postulating. Most people don’t do that much hard fucking and ball slapping choking stuff.
I don’t like feeling humiliated during sex. This includes slapping, forceful BJs, and cum on my face. You know, porn star stuff. I do, however, like to be dominated. The kind where you don’t know where you start and where you end. I also like slow soft passionate sex. The kind that has all your nerve endings and emotional hormones on fire.I occasionally like to be in control where my partner isn’t allowed to speak, take my control, and is only allowed to feel. My point is there is no wrong way or the right way. Both are enjoyable. Many women have porn star ideology where they think that’s what you want, so they follow. Find you a woman who is confident in herself and her sexuality
I think that’s quite a manly preference actually. You’re fine. You just need to find someone you are sexually compatible with.
Love, there is nothing wrong with you! You haven’t had luck with your partners. I do prefer that kind of interaction, and even though my bf acts more dominant is simply because he leads more the positions and so on. Otherwise, we make love, which I adore, because it’s gentle, it’s all about communication and exploration, lots of caresses and beautiful words… I had a previous partner that was awful, and it didn’t felt natural to me to that things to him and allow him to do that to me… It went a really bad way.
So, you’re what you are and there’s nothing wrong. You aren’t less of a man/human because of this. Embrace you and find a good partner ❤️
Definitely these are just your preferences it doesn’t make you less of a man. Just need to find the right partner.
I wanted to add that I am a female who likes the almost domestic abuse type sex. I love to be slapped in the face (not so much that it hurts, a sting is perfect) and having the guy put his hand around my throat and to squeeze just a little. I do NOT like to be actually hurt or in pain. That has never happened. I don’t think a majority of guys actually want to inflict pain either.
What I enjoy is knowing he *could* if he wanted to (all the while knowing he would never actually). It’s sort of a mind fuck thing. And sex is best when it involves a mental aspect. When a man is ultimately in control, I feel safe and protected. Brains are weird 🤷🏼♀️
I just wanted to tell you the why behind it bc it seems like you think most females want actual pain when I don’t think that’s the case.
It’s like when you “bite” someone’s lip. You don’t actually bite. You just hold it between your teeth and lightly pull. If you actually bit down it would fucking hurt.
All the best to you.
>I even had one girl tell me “if I wanted someone to be gentle with me in bed then I would be dating other women”.
what a dick
Man here, forties. Trust me, you’re good; just keep looking, keep meeting and respecting women, and you’ll find someone who likes what you like, and will remind you that you are no less of a man for it. In fact, she’ll appreciate the kind of man that you are—a gentle one, it sounds like.
There’s nothing wrong with you. I love gentle passionate sex. And it sound like you do too. We’re all different people with different tastes and you don’t have to do things you don’t wanna do. And a man is certainly not more of a man because he does it rough and likes to choke and slap.
Keep looking. There are plenty of women who don’t want to choked or slapped.
There is nothing wrong with you or your preferences and I’d argue they are in the majority rather than the minority you seem to feel due to your experiences.
I see where you come from, but there are ways to be dominant without being rough! Just taking the lead and telling her what to do can be super exciting for her, but if she wants roughness you can just grab her lovingly but firmly and assertively 🙂
Don’t feel that way.
There’s nothing wrong with a romantic man. 🤷🏻♀️
That’s the only way I like it. I’d rather not have sex at all if it isn’t slow and romantic
The choking, slapping, rough sex thing happened because of porn. It is not that prevalent in mainstream sex. Personally, if anyone did this to me, I’d be like, wtf are you doing?! There are plenty of people who like slow, regular sex who haven’t been influenced by porn.
People nowadays watch too much porn, get desensitized and don’t know the difference between porn and real life. However, there’s plenty of women and men who enjoy sex as you’re describing. Also, people think that “having kinks” makes you cool so they’re mostly unusually loud about it. The girl that said that stupid thing to you, you’re better without her
Wow, I wonder where you find these women. I don’t want to kink shame anyone but all women I have ever talked to except for a very small group has all wanted men to be more gentle. And hate the slapping and strangling and all that stuff. Especially when guys does it without taking about it first… So this surprises me honestly. But I guess we move on different circles.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting it rough for those that do. I personally would absolutely freak out. I mean I am fine with my husband going a bit rough at times but that’s because I trust him and since he is usually so gentle it gets a bit exciting on occasion. But I absolutely prefer the more gentle stuff.
And no, there’s nothing wrong with you. You are not emasculated or any less manly for not wanting to go super rough. Just like being really rough doesn’t make you any more of a man.
People have different preferences and there are plenty of women that love a more gentle approach. You need to have sex in a way that you are comfortable with, and find women who agree.
Good luck, and I am sorry you’ve been feeling this way about yourself.
No way!! You will find that intimacy somewhere. And it’s awesome!
Sweetie. You’re perfect. Give yourself some credit.
As a woman who hates rough, fast sex: there are women out there for you! I married a guy like you and I love it. 💖 You’ll find someone!
Nothing wrong with you, just haven’t found the right compatible woman. My bf can’t even cum from hard fucking. He will give me what I want which is sensual but dominating for the first bit and then we switch roles and slow things down more when it’s his turn to cum. Making love is so much more masculine than just jack hammering me. I love slow and passionate with small hints of dominant from the man but I like taking turns and making love to him slowly. I’ll even get too fast sometimes with the bj or riding and he’ll ask me to slow down. You are not alone and what you have is very desirable. You’ll find the right girl who appreciates that just keep looking!
That just means you’re not compatible with those women. There’s nothing wrong with your preferences.
Absolutely nothing wrong with you, people just like different things. You just need to someone you’re compatible with inside and outside the bedroom. You could even try finding a more dominant girl and try experimenting with that to see if you’re really are a more submissive type or if you’re just not into power dynamics at all
Do not feel ashamed. That is beautiful and somewhere there is a woman who desires exactly what you are willing to give.
If people make you feel shitty for being yourself, they’re not worthy partners. Incompatible perhaps? It happens.
I actually have enjoyed when my male partners weren’t always trying to take me to agressive pound town porno style, and let me be a bit dominant. I’m a switch though, so I like balance.
Your guy friend’s shouldn’t be laughing at you. I don’t get what’s wrong with people. You’ll find someone who gets you, and loves you as you are.
As someone who is a woman, bisexual, and intensely instigating and dominating, I find it highly offensive, generalising and rude that this girl made a comment about equating slow, sensual love making to being with a woman
I like slow, romantic sex 9/10 times.
You know this situation is what I think about when people choose to wait until they get married to have sex. What if they find out they’re incompatible like this?
There’s nothing wrong with you op but you really only have two choices. You could try to accustom yourself to rougher sex or you could date a few people until you find a girl that has the same preferences as you. Up to you but never shame yourself.
You sound perfect to me…I don’t understand all of the rough sex preference. I’m not knocking it, I just don’t understand it. You do you. If I was younger and not attached, we would be going out because that is they kind of sex I prefer.
Totally nothing wrong with you. Even if your feelings weren’t completely normal (they are), your preferences would still be completely valid. I also prefer to be more gentle in the bedroom and don’t want to hurt anyone. Which is a shame because there are people out there that would want it rough and I just couldn’t do it.
If other people are judgemental that’s on them. If your partner is asking for something you can’t do, that’s just an incompatibility. It’s a shame, but it’s no one’s fault.
I like gentle stuff 80-90 percent of the time.
Honestly, it just sounds like you’re getting really unlucky with your partner’s preferences. Is there something about your physicality that’s making them think you’re more rough? Like are you a big/fit dude?
But yeah, I’d say there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Theres no way the majority of women enjoy slapping and choking, that has to be a minority.
As for rough sex, i guess yeah, girls probably like a proper dick down, but its not like slower, smooth sex isnt good either.
I must admit I’m surprised, almost a little shocked, by your experiences to date, and I wonder if you’ve happened to stumble into a statistically unusual group of women. I had always believed the majority of people preferred the kind of sex you like, and I hope and believe you’ll find plenty of partners who suit you and are compatible with you in the course of your life.
I would find it more masculine if a man appreciated women the way you do. There’s something immature to me when a man just wants to rabbit fuck and reenact a porn scene. Once and a while is ok but being punished everyday sounds like hell. You’ll find a lucky woman.
The problem with todays male is they watch too much porn and think abusive is how it should be done. The young women date a few guys who are all performing the same bullshit porn moves and assume this is how it is done.
You come along giving her dignity and respect and now you are the weird one.
I would tell her “I value you too much to treat you like we are in a cheap porn”.
I read the title and thought I’d get some wild fetish like “I want to be pegged while my girl tells me only real get their penises pleasured” but no this poor soul just wants some classic vanilla action while letting his partner know that she’s loved.