I genuinely hope you don’t judge me for my mistakes.
I (male, 24y) have been having feelings for a girl (female, 21y). I thought she was cute, sexy, funny and I enjoyed being with her and goof around. People noticed my pupils getting dilated when I looked at her, I introduced her to my family.
But I was also doubting if I was able to commit to her for long due to language barrier and her being quite demanding (she’s a refugee from the Ukraine and needs help with some bureaucracy stuff).
Moreover, I’m having huge issues approaching and meeting girls despite working on this for several years so my actions also come out of a place of despair.
I was hesitant to communicate my feelings but eventually I told her I’m in love. But I was too afraid to tell her what kind of relationship I wanted right on due to the following reasons:
\-the fear of being rejected for it because I was assuming she’d probably want a committed relationship
\-assuming this was the wrong time to approach this topic because it seemed unromantic to me and I don’t really know when the right time to approach this is
I told her I was okay with her being with other guys 1 day after but only dared to tell her I want an open relationship several days later. This was shocking for her at first but she seemed to have somewhat accepted it. A few days later she asked me if she’d be the most important one of my relationships to which I replied that she is as of know but that I want to find someone I’m more comfortable with some day and it went downhill from there.
Maybe I shouldn’t even have taken the term open relationship into my mouth and just said fwb? (well, I hope Google translator knows what that is because that’s how we communicate most of the time)
But that term doesn’t feel right to me. It seems really unromantic and I can relate to her feeling somewhat rejected when hearing that. Can you suggest me a way to communicate my needs to the other person that doesn’t make them feel rejected? Or am I asking for too much and the issue lies within the fact that I was focusing on this girl which I wasn’t 100% sure about despite her having expected a clear statement of commitment?
3 comments
It sounds like you wanted something casual with no strings attached, like a friends with benefits, because you don’t see yourself dating her long term.
An open relationship makes me think of a romantic relationship where one person is your primary partner being who you want to date and grow forth with to potentially marriage, while the two of you are also having sex with other people on the side.
You shouldn’t be afraid to tell someone the kind of relationship you want with them due to the fear of being rejected for it. If you’re rejected for it, then you two were incompatible to begin with. Better to know that up front than down the line.
>I was also doubting if I was able to commit to her for long due to language barrier
You do know that her English is only ever going to get better, not worse, right?
> told her I’m in love
>I want to find someone I’m more comfortable with some day
You’re not in love, bro
The point I was making is that you’ve said two contradictory things
If you’re still looking for someone else you’re more comfortable with, then you clearly aren’t in love with this Ukrainian girl