My (25M) girlfriend (25F) of almost 4 years suffers from lower back chronic pain. More often than not, she requires a wheelchair, and the pain prevents her from doing almost any activity we used to do together. I try to be as supportive as I can.
It wasn’t always like this. Around 1.5 years into our relationship she was in a car accident. A few months after, she underwent surgery that didn’t help. Her chronic pain just kept getting worse and worse.
I feel terrible for even having doubts. I love the way she is dearly, there is nothing I don’t like about her personality. And she loves me too, and even sometimes says that she’s surprised and also grateful that I’ve stayed with her for so long.
If I were to leave, it would be out of my own selfishness, for wanting to be with someone with whom I could do activities not limited by their physical health (spending time together, contributing to expenses, etc.); I’m sorry if this sounds ableist. On the other hand, I continue staying with her and try to give her the best life that I possible can give, at the expense of some of my happiness, because life has already been so unfair to her.
Advice on what to do? People with current or past disabled partners, what’s your story?
Edit: To the people saying “Men leaving their partners after a disability diagnosis is textbook”, “Be a man and stand up”, “If you leave, you’ll just be a statistic”, I truly wish that you never have to go through something like this, either in my position or my girlfriend’s. I have been trying my best all this time. I was there for her surgery and after, one of the worst moments of her life. I am trying
29 comments
I recommend you do the activities you miss, from sports to travel, with groups and leave her home. Include her by taking pics and videos, phoning while away. Then, assist her by doing things she needs/wants, such as going to a garden show in a wheel chair, or take her to get massage.
What you want to avoid is emotional affairs at work or play. When you’re dissatisfied, it’s all too easy to fall into that trap.
As a disabled person myself, I know it is possible and necessary to still enjoy pleasant activities. This will make your bond ever stronger. Good luck.
Do the stuff she can do, together, than do the stuff she can’t do with friends, and share it with her later. You both sound flexible and understanding, so I can’t imagine that you’d be unable to work something out that would be a win/win for both of you.
A lot of activities available work for both able and less able people it simply a means of looking into things you both enjoy and finding an equivalent or something just as fun.With a bit of time but to throw it all away because of something that can be talk about and worked together on if you just have a conversation is silly maybe try talking to your girlfriend and seeing her side of things before making a choice so that way when you do choose you know what you are getting into.
From personal experience. Being with a disabled partner (and especially where chronic pain is involved) is hard as fuck. It is doable and both of you can be happy but it is HARD.
If you are having doubts, then you may very likely not be attached to her (madly in love with) enough to deal with the adversity in the coming years. And sadly it does not get much easier, you merely grow to accept the limitations and find joy in what you still can do together.
So think long and hard. Your decision to be with her should not be out of obligation or sacrifice but because you love her and she makes you happy. Otherwise the honest thing is perhaps to go separate ways.
I cared for a very elderly person for 4 years. My ex-gf’s gma, from age 87 to 91. I cooked for her twice daily, sometimes taking breaks from work to come home just to cook for her. I did her laundry and folded it, and put it in nice piles that she could easily access in the closet. Took her shopping in a wheelchair when she wanted me to. Dropped her letters and bills at the post office. Listened to her. etc etc.
Although she appreciated it, I was really really tired by the end of 4th year. Specially when I had no help. GF used to just mind her own business and be busy with her own self, buying clothes on phone apps and scrolling social media all day.
I eventually got burned out of this, and communicated with my gf that gma is not my job, she is doing very little to help, and I will not go out of my way to help gma any more. GF threw a tantrum, saying “I never asked you to help with gma, why did you help her at all?”. So I simply broke up with her and moved out.
At the end, I just felt like I was used and thrown with no credit to my name for the hard work I did.
Not doing that anymore, for anyone maybe except my parents or siblings.
I imagine it would be difficult to transition from being two people who could do anything and everything together to one person not being able to do certain activities anymore. What are some activities you did together that you miss? Can they be done with other people? Or can they be adapted for her?
It is hard being a caregiver and even if you’re not completely in that role, you still have to adjust your life to fit hers. I’m physically disabled from birth and my boyfriend is able-bodied. He loves hockey, skating, going to the gym, but he knew what he signed up for when he chose to date me. He keeps me physically active by helping me work out, we play video games together, we go out to dinner and movies. Because your situation is a little different, you two need to communicate what you want and need from each other.
It isn’t selfish to make that decision to leave her. If you are truly not up to the task of learning a new life with her, then you should make that choice. I would hate if you went through life wishing for something else. You just need to think about this fully and maybe write down some concerns, bring them up to her, and have a meaningful conversation.
Well if you love her so much, don’t be a selfish d*ck then. Simple as that.
There are things, Im sure, you can do together, do those. At some point she may progress to the point where she can do more.
After my accident it took me 8 years to regain any semblance of a normal life. It was a hell of a struggle, home traction, PT that never seemed to end, and Im damned lucky and so glad my then gf, now my wife, didnt just walk away. She could have, and it would have devastated me. I can do more now, still require a lot of down time, but we learned together to get through it and we have a great life.
If you love her and she loves you, dont just toss her because YOU cant do somethings with her that you want to do. Everything you feel bad over, I can promise you she feels it 100 times deeper.
Take every step together and appreciate what you have with her. Otherwise, there may come a day you regret the other choice.
it’s not ableist to have doubts. it’s not your job to deny yourself happiness because life has been unfair to her. there is plenty of good advice in these comments if you want to stay, but I want to be clear that you dont have to stay. you deserve to be happy and live the life you envisioned for yourself too.
No one can make this decision any easier for you. If you can’t go on like this the choice is made. If you can find q way to feel satisfied in this relationship and be happy to have her by your side then stay. Perhaps speaking to a therapist could clarify your feelings.
Everyone deserves a partner who can fulfill them physically, emotionally, sexually, and financially. It sounds like your girlfriend cannot meet any of those needs. It’s ok to end a relationship when someone simply can’t meet your needs – even if you love them. Perhaps breaking up with her will motivate her to get the help she needs to be a partner. You have your life to live and you certainly didn’t sign up to be a caretaker for the rest of your life without any of your needs being met. I’m sorry this happened to both of you. Good luck.
You deserve to have your needs and wants met just as much as your partner. If you feel that isn’t something that is being achieved in your relationship, and you can’t find a way to remedy that, leaving is a perfectly acceptable response.
I’m in a wheelchair, it doesn’t stop my husband doing the things he enjoys. Including hillwalking. We do plenty of other stuff together. We’ve been together since we were teenagers and have two kids now.
What actually matters is whether you’re in love with her or not.
Edit for autocorrect
Do what makes you happy I guess man. You sound like a good dude. Your in a tough spot. I understand though how you couldn’t help but think of what might life be like if… and I’m sure she only wants you happy. But then again it would crush her.. I don’t think there is no right or good answer to this one.
I’m a chronic pain sufferer. Basically my husband and I find hobbies we both enjoy to do together. Right now we’re learning Italian and saving for a trip to Italy. It’s okay to feel tired/exhausted by the experience/etc. Take a personal day where you can IDK go hiking or something alone. But, if y’all are in love and want to make it work, you’ll find things to do.
If you feel that it will effect you long term you have to leave her, not only for you, but because dragging it on and staying with someone out of pity will hurt her so much more when she realizes it. Let her go to find someone who will love her no matter what
She is definitely feeling like she is trapping you out of guilt. Tough situation but she isn’t your wife and nothing you can do to resolve the situation. Staying will just let the resentment build on both sides. Break up and slip into the friend role if you both are okay with that. I don’t say to be mean or selfish. I say it because you will eventually blame her for your life not progressing. Sorry dude.
PS.. My dad had diabetes, altzheimers, and heart problems. All my siblings refused to take any responsibility and wanted him in a home. I left my job and took him in. Got a work from home job during COVIID and took care of him 24/7. I’m built differently and love my dad; who is now in heaven with my mom.
Is your gf on disability? I notice you posted about her inability to contribute to expenses and also you mention being responsible for her “financial well being”. Shouldn’t someone as disabled as you describe be on disability and therefore eligible for Medicaid? I’m just at a loss not understanding why these resources are not in place.
You’re clearly ablest. So just leave her so she can find someone worthy of her time. It’s that simple
Info:
If this was your spouse would you still want to leave?
What if it was you who was left with a permanent injury?
The deal with making that commitment to love someone and build a life together, you accept that life will throw you curve balls. People get sick, injured, die. Job losses happen, but there are also a lot of successes and joy too. You just have to pivot and lean into what is available in the moment.
another statistic
Don’t stay or do something just because you feel guilty. No one thinks you’re a hero or doing a favour by being with her.
Break up and find someone you want to be with and give her a chance to be with someone who wants to be with her.
I have three chronic illnesses which leave me legally disabled. One makes my immune system suck so I get sick a lot, with all the little viruses that don’t even affect most people. I have a lot of guilt that I struggle with about how it must be for my partner to be around someone so often sick, so often in pain, canceling plans, etc. However, he adamantly tells me that this is where he wants to be, is endlessly patient and loving, and really does show that he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on anything even though I spend so much time just cuddled in his arms and doing not much else.
If there was even a tiny bit of him that wanted to leave and be with someone who could do more, be less complicated, and make him happier I would want him to go. It would hurt, a lot, but I wouldn’t want him to stay out of pity. Everyone deserves to be loved just as they are, and it’s ok if you don’t feel that. But I would say let her go and hopefully she will find it with someone else.
Take some time to yourself for a really good think.
Research what helps is available, so you won’t have so much responsibility on your own. Reach out to family and friends to go for things like hikes. Make sure you both have your own support groups.
Think about her specific condition, and what it entails. Think about how it will look in 5 years, can she possibly recover, or is it permanent? Will managing her condition get easier with practice? Do you have the mental health to be able to continue being caretaker? Compare both of your life goals. Are your goals still compatible?
Think about her through her personality. Do you click together extremely well, or do you float along? What would you hope she would do if she woke up in your position, worries included? What would you want her to do if she felt the same way that you do right now?
I’m terribly sorry to hear that this happened, both for your girlfriend, and for you. It can be incredibly difficult to grieve the thought of what could have been. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to feel about situations like this. The only “wrong”, would be if you stayed purely out of pity. Neither of you signed up knowing that the accident would happen. Neither of you wanted this to happen.
Please make sure you’re also taking care of yourself. You matter too. This can also be include having fun with other people sometimes. It can be as tricky as a setting up a reunion with old buddies, or it can be as easy as just putting your favorite show on. Figure out what works for your mental health, regardless of if you stay or not.
Did a doctor recommend the wheelchair? Has she been to a pain management clinic? Does she receive disability payments from the government? Is another surgery possible? She is very young to just accept her condition.
I’m so sorry.
Being a caregiver is incredibly hard. It means saying no to a lot of things. If I were you, knowing what I know about how damn hard it is to be a caretaker, I wouldn’t continue the relationship. There will be no magic time to end the relationship. It won’t get easier. It doesn’t sound like you will have a physical relationship or the possibility of having children (which might be fine with you). You will be the breadwinner. This will get harder as you get older.
I’ve seen friends and loved ones burnt out and collapsed by caretaking spouses, parents or children. It’s a lot. You won’t be a bad person no matter what you decide and it’s going to hurt like hell whichever path you take. I’m sorry.
Honestly, your girlfriend’s boyfriend might be blocking her blessing of a husband.
If you don’t want to be with her, let her go so she can find true love. She doesn’t deserve someone to be with her out of pity.
I’m really sorry OP. This is a very grey area of what you should or shouldn’t do. On one hand you should always be supportive of your partner, but on the other hand, if you’re miserable, you should look for a way to be happy since we only get one life.
I know this might get some people in the comments angry, but I think you need to do some serious thinking about why you are still in this relationship. If you keep going down this path of thinking, eventually your love for your gf will turn into resentment, which I think has already started.
You should first have a heart to heart conversation with her about how your feeling, and not leave anything off the table. Yes, it might hurt her feelings, but you should always be honest with your partner. Next, look into couples therapy and see if that can fix things between you two. If you still cannot let go of your feelings of resentment, then you need to let go of this relationship and break up with her.
Many prayers for you, OP!
If you were madly truly in love with her you wouldn’t write this to be honest so you have to leave for your life and hers
Apologies if that sounds harsh
I worked with adults with acquired disabilities like this (from accidents etc) for years.
While there were certainly exceptions, it’s true the men most often left their disabled female partner. The women tended not to leave their disabled male partners.
But let me tell you, I think some of those women should’ve left. Some of them were very young. They gave up having children, financial security from 2 adults incomes, and in some extreme cases (brain injury) a partner who recognized them. One stayed with a partner whose brain was so damaged he invariably began shouting obscenities at her. And yet she stayed. Took care of him. They weren’t married. He wasn’t ever going to get better enough to be who he was before.
My heart broke for some of my patients and their caregivers.
I cannot condemn someone who decides they can’t cope with that life. It’s a really hard life.
It does sound like your partners disability has kept her cognition intact, so she’ll feel the full hurt if you don’t stay. Only you can decide if you can handle it. I feel very badly for both you and your partner.