I’m someone who can basically float around – like at a job or something – and not a single one of my coworkers will ever talk to me. I don’t mean for just a stretch of a few days. I mean for months, or YEARS.
(Unless it’s because it’s job related and they have to, of course. Or like a rhetorical “hi”, you know the kind, where they’re literally walking past you as they say it and as the word is escaping their lips, you can already see the back of their head.)
Admittedly, I don’t initiate with them. But it should be a numbers game. Meet enough people, eventually one of them will say something to you beyond an initial “hi” as an introduction – be it asking you about yourself, taking some kind of interest in you, etc.
When I bring this up, people give the advice “well, *you* have to make the first move.”
So, the part where this just doesn’t follow logically: If this was sound advice, statistically speaking, wouldn’t OTHER people sometimes make the first move? And since they don’t, how is ANYONE friends? Am I the chosen one, the only human born out of 8 billion with the power to strike up conversation? Well, obviously not.
Can anyone at least understand why I don’t see how this adds up? I think this is why I still think it boils down to something being wrong with me. Like people assuming I’m not worth the effort before hearing a single word from my mouth.
And I don’t mean people observe my personality from the outside, and don’t like me through observation. I mean these people know literally nothing about me and in some instances have never even heard me talk, and definitely don’t know even one piece of basic information about me.
4 comments
I’ve always wondered this as well. I think we just don’t look approachable (I’ve been told my face looks sad/upset when relaxed)
i don’t know you irl so i’m not sure how accurate this is, but you might just look like you don’t want to talk. appearing busy or avoiding eye contact, in my experience, can make people more likely to not approach you. (edit: also, maintaining personal hygiene is extremely important. most people do not want to talk with someone who doesn’t shower.)
why are you against coming up to others, though? is there any reason you’re dead set on never making the first move?
>I don’t initiate with them.
Big “I’ve tried nothing and I’m all out of options” energy.
edit: And so what if it doesn’t add up? How does having this convoluted math problem that you magically put together being solved help your life in any way more than simply putting for the effort to initiate?
You said it yourself, they know nothing about you, which means they probably haven’t rejected you at all. You have to offer something up. When you look back on the people you’ve worked with, I bet there are some who just aren’t signaling compatibility with you. Maybe it was an age difference, maybe it was a style difference or an attitude they gave off. But that’s the signal. That’s what they’re giving you to work with and make judgements on.
What are you signaling, intentionally or unintentionally? Do you give people enough clues about who you are to decide if they’re interested in you or not? You don’t have to go up and approach individual people, but you should make an effort to express availability, show off your personality when you can, and share opinions. Give people an opening, or at least a chance to see who you are and decide if they’re interested. Do you display warmth or generosity? Do you show your sense of humour? Express opinions, interest, style? If someone exactly like you were walking around at work, how would they identify you as a peer?
And you should be willing to initiate every now and then. Not sharing information about yourself and not initiating would come off to me as someone who doesn’t want to socialise with coworkers.