My fiance ” James” and I have been together for 6 and a half years. I told him when we first started dating that I was at the point of my life ( late twenties) where I knew that I wanted kids, and that wasn’t going to change. James told me he also wanted kids- it was just a matter of how many he wanted. He also said he wanted to find somebody to be ” young family” with.
Now I have just turned 35 and James is about to turn 39. He proposed to me 3 years ago but he has basically walked back more and more of the steps he took post proposal regarding setting a wedding date.
He has gone from actively suggesting wedding planners and asking his brother in law to be his best man to firing the wedding planner behind my back and making plans for all the time that he is free during the spring and summers to be with his friends, or to go to one industry conference or another.
I have tried to get him to come with me to therapy but one day when he didn’t show up the therapist said to me ” therapy can help you talk through some things, but it cannot convince somebody to do or believe something that they are inherently opposed to for whatever reason. James is allowing you to view the trajectory of your relationship through a version of reality more beneficial to him than you, but is ultimately false to him. He now sees you as someone trying to make him conform to your ” false” sense of reality and is punishing you for it.”
I was so upset after that session that I stopped going to therapy for a while, languishing in denial. I finally tried to bring it up and James actually flipped out and said he felt like he was the victim here. He said the therapist was partially right: I was trying to make his actions match up with MY worldview and it annoyed him to pieces. He says bottom line he did not want to begin to think about marriage or kids with me for at least another year.
He accused me of rushing things and stormed off. Afterwards he confessed that he needed to explore his options at least theoretically speaking. He dropped the bombshell that he didn’t think I would be the ideal mother to his kids. And he believes in marriage before kids and for the purpose of kids so that explained the hold off on marriage.
The reason he cites for him not being sure about me is that he thinks our relationship initially went too fast. That we moved in together after a year and that his parents who are happily married continue to have an issue with that. However, the root of the problem is that when we started to get to know each other sexually speaking, he told me he wanted to explore more unconventional interests. One of it included him tying me up, putting his fist inside me, and also him urinating and defecating on me. He said his mind took a picture of those compromising situations and he cannot get over it. There was sometimes alcohol involved but we both agreed to do it and only with each other.
However, he is now saying that it was horrible and that he doesn’t trust my decisions, especially when alcohol and sleeping together are involved. That if he is looking at our kid or watching me give birth, that will be all he can think of.
He said he was sorry but cannot reframe his perception of me into a mother and hates me for it.
Since we were airing everything, I told him I suspected he was cheating. He said he wasn’t but admitted that his brother’s wife had a younger sister who was a new graduate from college. He said people in his circle have been pressuring him, saying she was a nice, intelligent person who lived at home during college and didn’t drink or do drugs. And that James could be brothers twice over with his brother. But he admitted that he found younger me way more attractive than her.
After our talk I was devastated. He said he was going away for the week to think but after that week he asked if he could come back and tried to sleep with me again, getting upset when I refused.
What do I do? Some corners of my social circle are saying that he’s just confused and to fight for my 6 year relationship since we were so close to the altar. I really want a kids and family but I often see resentment in James’ eyes when he looks at me. He never called off the engagement, saying he considers it still on.
47 comments
HE asked YOU to try certain kinks and is now saying you are unfit to be a mother because of it.
Throw the whole man out. There is literally no other option here.
He’s not going to marry you and he doesn’t want kids. He told you what he thought you wanted to hear to string you along.
Could you marry the guy at this point, knowing what he thinks when he looks at you? That experimenting sexually together with him makes *you* somehow a subject of his disgust and him somehow deserving of a better partner? I don’t think it’s worth the effort to fix this.
>There was sometimes alcohol involved but we both agreed to do it and only with each other.
?However, he is now saying that it was horrible and that he doesn’t trust my decisions, especially when alcohol and sleeping together are involved. That if he is looking at our kid or watching me give birth, that will be all he can think of.
>He said he was sorry but cannot reframe his perception of me into a mother and hates me for it.
What the fuck???? He shared his fantasies with you, you were open enough to fulfill them IRL, and then he says doing so makes him think less of you?
>Since we were airing everything, I told him I suspected he was cheating. He said he wasn’t but admitted that his brother’s wife had a younger sister who was a new graduate from college. He said people in his circle have been pressuring him, saying she was a nice, intelligent person who lived at home during college and didn’t drink or do drug
So he surrounds himself with people who are not only okay with cheating on a longtime partner, but they actually encourage it? That’s not particular moral.
I also think it’s gross that a mid-aged man thinks a 22 year old girl is a good option.
I HATE that he wasted 6 years of your time. The only thing worse than wasting 6 years on him would be to waste the next 6 years. Do not have children with his man–he’s degrading to you.
What do you do? You evaluate his @$$ right out the door.
A grown man has told you he doesn’t think you’re good enough to be his kids mother. A grown man. Mot a 19yr old kid.
I am so, so sorry you have wasted so much time here but my God hear the sirens, see the flags. There are literally flares being shot off in front of you and you’re considering fighting for this relationship? There is nothing to fight for.
Chap has changed his mind. Hes gone off you. None of this is a reflection of you, but do NOT attempt to save this.
You fight for a relationship when the odds are against you both – this is not it. The odds ate not against you both, he is against you. There is no fighting to be done.
There is only the realisation that this is not the person you need by your side.this guy doesn’t want you, as you stand. Again I cant help his poor taste, but you can. You can leave this eons of learning behind and go find a guy who will only be too delighted to have a family with you.
Please dont sacrifice yourself on the alter of sink cost for this twit. He doesn’t deserve it.
Don’t fight for someone who is showing they won’t fight for you. Cut your losses.
Hang on a minute here – HE asked YOU to participate in some pretty gross kinkery and now blames YOU because he’s disgusted by the memory of WHAT HE WANTED TO DO? I’m sorry, this is not someone you should marry, or waste another moment of your precious life on.
All of this sounds like he’s trying to justify eventually dumping you for a younger woman. He’s still around because the girl he has his eye on isn’t interested. I doubt his friends are really pushing him towards her, that’s just more of his BS. Stop wasting time on this asshole.
Omg ! He is absolutely awful!! Get rid of him. The things he said to you are incredible. Girl you are worth more than staying with that slime ball!! omg kick his ass out!!!
Yea dudes never gonna marry you. This is a fact. Not because of the feitish or anything but because he doesn’t want to. He’s gonna eat more of your time so that your old and he doesn’t have to worry about feeling that another guy is gonna take his sex toy away, then he’s gonna upgrade to a younger model, having wasted your time and life.
He’s never going to marry you. Steve Harvey always says: if he wanted to, he would. His actions show you who and what he wants. It’s not you. Please open your eyes. You’ve already wasted 6 years, don’t waste another 6. Good luck.
Please throw the whole man away. He is absolutely horrific and there is no reason you deserve this. He pulled a yoyo with you. Agreed to marry you but strung you along 3 extra years. Don’t waste the rest of your 30s with this creep. He asked you to do some freaky stuff, you didn’t just say “hey honey, I’d really love you to piss on me tonight.” No. He wanted that and has the audacity to question your decision making skills? Fuck that guy he’s a loser.
Do you love yourself or this relationship more?
In 6 and a half more years, he still won’t be ready, and you’re going to be miserable, and you still won’t have kids. There’s better men out there who want to commit and have a family. Dump him.
yeah he’s cheating get rid and move on!’
Your friends talk like the altar is the goal and then it’s all easy. But it’s just a step in the relationship.
Read over your post again OP. How could you accept that for yourself?
Imagine someone acting this way with your daughter. Would you think the relationship is worth saving?
You let him shit on you. And he’s still shitting on you.
Jesus! he makes you feel like you have to fight the whole world to win this prize! he is embarrassing! he’s an old man who plans to cheat on a brat who knows nothing about the world, which he can continue to mold to his impossible demands. right now he’s shifting the blame to you, he’s making you and others think he’s being mistreated and deserves better when in fact he’s not the least bit special. he is just a plain egocentric, abusive asshole who has wasted your time. the best you could have done is take his “vacation” and take your things, move and block him! nothing you do will be good enough because he is convinced he deserves better and you will never adjust well enough for him NOT to FIND something to whine about! I wish you all the best in life and learn to love yourself again
Sell the ring and move on I’m sorry this happened to you
Him: sorry, you’re just a hot s*ut to me.
Dump him!! You can and will find better very quickly and he will be begging for you back.
Why would you fight for someone like this? He sounds disgusting. Are you willing to throw the rest of your life away for someone who kink shames you for indulging HIS kinks? Would you be ok spending the rest of your life with someone who looks down on you? And who’s such a fucking coward that he didn’t even bother to tell you this until you pushed the issue?
He’s kink shaming you after you obliged him? He’s a disgusting man and has a child like mind. Do not marry this person.
Break up, he is wasting your time. The fact he asked you to do certain acts and is now holding it against you is enough. You’re not getting kids from him and if you want a family you need to stop wasting your time with him.
Please go back to your therapist. You’re being strung along. I know you have over six years “invested” in him, but sometimes you got to face facts, walk away and take the loss.
He is not going to marry you he already made
That clear . And when he goes away I will almost assure you it’s to explore his feelings for the little sister who just graduated college. I would move on.
So basically you acquiesced to his kinks and then he used them against you to pretty much say you weren’t fit to be a mother to his children. And you’re still with this guy why? This guy is as twisted as it gets. You need to get the hell away from him before he mentally and emotionally destroys you.
Dump him
He sounds disgusting.
I’m so sorry. But he lied to you. He used you. He will not marry you.
Go live your own life, and find someone who loves you for you, not someone who wishes you were 10 years younger than you are.
Girl… be smart. This relationship is going NOWHERE. Even if he did eventually agree to marry you, I’m sure divorce would come soon after. Besides, do you want someone you have to convince to even like you enough to marry you one day at least a year down the road? Or do you want someone who actually WANTS to marry you, to spend their life with you, who believes that you would make a great mother?
End things.
I cannot stress this enough: break up. He is not going to marry you.
See the problem with the “fight for our relationship since we’re so close to the altar” thing is that it assumes that getting officially married will somehow magically make all these problems go away. Like if you can just push him over that line, he’ll snap back to being on the same page as you as he’s been pretending to all these years.
This guy is not a good man. He’s spent 6 years giving you the runaround. He’s gotten you involved in his kinks and now shames you for it. He’s shamelessly telling you that he wants to try and get with a girl nearly half his own age. You can literally see the resentment in his eyes when he looks at you. Do you imagine that will change after you’re married? All that will happen is that it will be messier and more expensive to end your relationship once you tie the knot. And God forbid you should bring a child into the world who has a father like this.
You’re 35 and you want to have kids. You ain’t got time to waste waiting for a man who has had 6 GODDAMN YEARS to work through any issues, doubts and concerns he might have about your future together to grow a fucking spine and make a decisive choice. Because he won’t. He won’t do the right thing by you. He’s too selfish to even be capable of making such a choice. You have to make it for yourself.
End this relationship. Make it clear you don’t want to be with someone who could so easily throw you away to chase some random girl who’s barely old enough to drink, and who somehow still doubts your worthiness as a parent even after spending half a decade together. You deserve better than a husband who has kids he doesn’t want and who stuck with you “on balance” because it was less difficult and uncertain than pursuing his midlife crisis dreams. Hell, you’d be better off as a single parent through IVF than trying to raise kids with a guy like that. Take the money you would have wasted marrying this asswipe and spend it on your own future, hun.
Younger you was more attractive than the recent grad, I’m guessing she’s 22? 24? Wtf??? Big age gap there for him.
What about the you that you are now? Girl, you deserve way more than what this guy is offering you. And saying you wouldn’t be a good mother to his children?? He is attacking your moral character and you are considering fighting for him? He’s a complete douche.
This dude. He’s a poor excuse for a human, which is the nicest thing I could say. He’s a coward. He wants to fuck around; he doesn’t want to marry you. That’s what it boils down to.
He doesn’t think your fit to be a mother? Well, that’s rich coming from someone who wants to fuck his brother’s wife’s hot, younger sister (barf). He wouldn’t make a good father or husband.
It’s not you; it’s him. He’s gross. He’s not worth marrying. He’s not worth spending the rest of your life with him. He’s not worth having kids with.
Find yourself a better man who doesn’t want to keep it in his family.
Please value yourself. He most certainly doesn’t. Move out and block him everywhere.
This man has shit on you. Literally shit on you. Stop allowing this in anyway. Physically and emotionally.
It’s time to cut your losses and move on.
This man is actually, IRL, a total piece of shit.
I have no idea why women go past the 2 year mark without a ring when they want marriage and children
Weed him out of your life
He’s a user loser
You’re not even close to the altar this man is not going to marry you and if he does you will be miserable. 35 is still young, you have time. Engagement is supposed to have an end date, he’s dragging his feet and stringing you along. You want a husband and kids James won’t give you either. Please please move on.
>What do I do?
WAKE UP! He is never going to marry. He doesn’t want kids. He is a horrible person. He is even thinking of leaving you for someone who is in college! (That thing about his family pressuring is an excuse lol — he is even saying “younger you” was more attractive than her, how about current you?)
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>Some corners of my social circle are saying that he’s just confused and to fight for my 6 year relationship
Confused??? He is almost a 40 yea old man, he is not a child! Fight for what? It’s not like he is going to do a 180 after you marry, he is going to continue being the same asshole.
Have some respect for yourself.
Throw the whole man out. He asked you to try out his kinks, and now he resents you for it and claims you’d be an unfit mother for doing what he wanted you to do? He thinks it’s moving too fast, SIX YEARS in to the relationship, and he’s not ready? He’s almost 40 and talking about some other girl who’s just out of college as a romantic prospect? He sounds borderline predatory. I cannot believe that your friends are encouraging you to settle for someone who treats you like this. Leave him now and find someone who loves you and treats you with the respect you deserve. You are deserving of love and respect, and this man will not give it to you. Good luck OP.
If he has to reevaluate his options – “he’s just not that into you” . He got you into his humiliation kinks and is now shaming you for it? That’s so sideways.
You sound lovely and I know you can find someone way better than this weirdo.
This guy probably: “I could never marry someone who has low enough standards that they would date me”
Sorry sis, but you need cut your losses and move on.
Honestly no matter what excuse he gives you I won’t be surprised in the least If you get divorced and he marries some 21 year old in a few months and then baby traps her. He sounds like a pig tbh, he doesn’t sound like husband or father material.
Reading this, it doesn’t seem like James even likes you very much. He’s just been running a 6 year audition for the mother of his child and you’re only the current frontrunner.
I think that’s less important, though, than why you would *want* to marry a man who exposed himself to you as a liar, and deeply misogynistic manipulator.
I know you were so close to the life you wanted, and that this is blowing up your options, but it sounds like that life would have been at the very least a lie and at worst a nightmare. Run, girl.
Bruh I’m not one to kink shame, but I think refusing to let a guy shit on you is a good boundary to make
Are you f****** kidding me let that man go let him go s*** on somebody else
I am so sorry. You deserve so much better. Your fiance is awful.
He is now throwing every excuse he can think of at you because he doesn’t want to marry you and he wants to end the relationship. He is a coward.
He wants you to end it so he gets to be the victim.
Not that I want him to get what he wants but you should break up with him. He will never be the man you want.
Get a therapist, focus on yourself and be kind to yourself. You deserve to be treated right. Please, be on your own team and get rid of this man.