I’ve (m40) been married to my wife (f39) for almost 16 years (next February it’ll be the anniversary). We met first year in college and got married after wife graduate from grad school. I still love her so much but things have been shit lately not to mince words.
Half the nights I sleep on the couch, she’s always at work, that stuff. I’m also going sober (four months whoo) and I’ll admit, I’ve been cranky as a result. She’s stopped drinking the hard stuff but she keeps drinking wine which, you know, is tempting. I’ll admit we both have tempers and it feels like every other conversation we have, we end up screaming at each other.
I was venting to my little sister (f36) who told me we should try counseling but she thinks divorce is best. I don’t want to go to counseling and I know my wife would rather cut off her hand so what’s left? Divorce? I’ve loved (still do) this woman for about half of my life. I can’t imagine not seeing her every morning and every night. Where do we go from here?
13 comments
Why would you involve your sister in your marriage?
Don’t ever involve family. They will never treat her the same knowing what you told her. (Been there.) Try marriage counseling.
Sure sure, don’t involve family, but also realize: sobriety if you struggle with alcoholism causes a LOT of changes in yourself & your relationships. Focus on yourself, work a program (if AA is your thing), or talk to a sober buddy. There may be a history of toxicity in the relationship due to drinking that your wife can’t forgive you for, there may be an erosion of trust due to drinking, it’s impossible to say from the details provided. But sobriety changes you & your relationships A LOT. Give your sobriety some time to settle in, to let your mind clear as it changes it’s chemistry post-drinking.
Stop venting to your sister. It’s unhealthy for everyone involved. Stop screaming. If you get angry, tell her you don’t want to fight and that you’ll talk about this after you both calm down. Four months of sobriety is wonderful but nowhere near enough to start repairing the damage done. If you need to vent, do it with a therapist. If you and your wife can’t discuss things without fighting, do *that* with a therapist, too.
Instead of discussing these things with a person who is external to your marriage, please consider having a heart to heart with your wife.
You’re lucky she stayed with you.
Your sister crossed a line getting involved in your marriage. Big no no. At the end of the day, if your marriage fails you’re going to find yourself on your own having to deal with the fall out. Make sure you know what you’re deciding because the aftermath is going to fall on your shoulders and no one else’s.
Uhhh you fight for her?! How about you deal with the icky feelings of going to counseling to actually solve your issues?
Look people dont change until it hurts too much not to. Something led you to a place of sobriety (good on you btw) but she’s not there.
Its not exactly surprising that you are struggling with something as big as alcohol not being something you guys are of one mind on.
If for no other reason than to support your sobriety she should do the same.
Bottom line, you want your marriage to last? Its time to fight FOR it.
If you can’t do counseling then at the very least you both have to find a way to talk about some your issues together even if it’s not pretty the truth is always better. Sounds like becoming sober is a big change in your marriage. She may be struggling with that change to. Don’t listen to your sister. Don’t let others dictate what sometimes you deep down believe to be right for you and your spouse. And don’t underestimate the need for some fun in a relationship. Especially when things get so heavy.
Do the counseling. Your sister may not have YOUR best interests at heart
>I don’t want to go to counseling and I know my wife would rather cut off her hand
I don’t understand this mentailty. You’d rather let your marriage fall apart then try to fix it?
I mean, your problems as posted are problems, but they’re all fixable. But it’s going to take counseling and self-improvement from both of you.
If you love your wife as you say you do, you take the steps to fix the problem. Go to counseling, read self-improvement books, go to AA or other treatment programs, stop being cranky and stop yelling at your wife.
Start simple: Get a copy of the book “The Compound Effect” by Darren Hardy (Book or audio book).
If you love your wife so much, and hopefully it’s reciprocated, how would you be so adamant about no counseling?
You do not make life altering decisions in your first year of sobriety. You aren’t thinking clearly yet and some changes are irreversible. Please seek counseling whether it be marital or alcohol either one will tell you the same thing.