My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, we’re very happy together! I feel like I know him very well and he’s told me so much about his life, but something I’ve noticed is that he can’t remember anything about his childhood. Whenever I ask him questions, even mundane questions about non traumatic events, he says he doesn’t remember. Before he took me to meet them for the first time, I asked what dinners with his family were like growing up. He thought for a second and said “I don’t really remember.” It didn’t seem like he was hiding anything from he, I genuinely feel he cannot remember for some reason. He says his upbringing was fairly normal, but I have noticed that his family is definitely a little strange. They don’t communicate about anything, and family time is typically spent in silence. Every so often, my boyfriend will bring up a random traumatic event that he remembers – i.e. “my mom got kicked out when I was 14 but we never talked about it.” If I ask for more details, he just says he can’t remember any more. Is this some type of trauma response? He seems to be able to recall events from childhood, just nothing that involved his family. I just want to support him the best I can. Thanks!
38 comments
The brain will sometimes force you to forget traumatic events to protect itself
It could be a trauma response or the trauma response could be he simply isn’t ready to tell you exactly what he’s been through. So when he says he can’t remember, don’t push, tell him that’s ok and that you really just want to be closer to him, so if he remembers and wants to talk about it, you’re happy to listen.
Different people remember different things
Pretty standard trauma response to shut all that down. Good and bad.
I know that I had some good times as a kid but I have to try very very hard to remember them and once I recall those, the bad stuff often comes along too.
We all remember things differently. If he doesn’t remember he doesn’t remember. And if he remembers and doesn’t want to share, take the hint and stop asking
CPTSD
I don’t know much about trauma, but I have trouble remembering much of my childhood before the age of 11 or so… I’ve never met many people like this, but maybe that’s all there is to it. Maybe he honestly just doesn’t remember much. I don’t think my lack of memory is trauma related, so maybe his isn’t either.
Memory before 7 is generally pretty vague for most people. Traumatic events get recorded differently so they can have more impact and if you think about them often those pathways get stronger so to speak and are easier to recall. Whereas general happy memories really don’t have the same impact.
So to add to your question if his family don’t talk about things that happened to them then those memories gradually fade from easy recall and become less important to recall.
It does differ between people obviously, some people have very good recall of everything and others cannot remember any event. Every one is a little different and some people prefer not to think about certain things so they will also gradually not find it easy to recall. Selective memory is also a thing that people do and what they choose to remember is up to them.
Yeah, he has blocked out most of his childhood and that’s not good. I had a highly dysfunctional childhood and don’t remember large chunks of it off the top of my head because of the trauma and stress. I wouldn’t get too close to his family as there’s some family secrets that could pop up one day to show how they really are. I would suggest therapy for him if he wants to learn why and if there are other issues that may have gone unnoticed at first. Your partner has had some trauma and that doesn’t go away even if he doesn’t remember them. The body doesn’t forget.
How does he interact with his family? Does he act differently in any way at all? I would keep an eye out for strange behaviors and triggers. Be careful with his family. Good luck.
Untreated mental health issues can cause brain damage – I don’t remember most of my childhood and nothing particularly traumatic happened during it 🤷🏻♀️
Depression, stress, or trauma could be the reason. I cannot maintain long memory from dissociation and am prone to brief lapses of life where I feel “zoned out” or just going through the motions only to reawake later on. Sometimes something random out of the blue jars a memory, but it’s not always a pleasant experience.
I would stop asking for details. If he remembers, he’ll tell the story when he’s ready – which, it could honestly be never.
If you don’t talk about it what is there to really remember if you never reflect on it.
I’m exactly the same. My childhood was traumatic but there was a good amount of normal in there, I suppose. I don’t really remember much before age 16, exactly. I mean, I kind of remember – specific incidents burble up, but overall, I don’t have the memories other people seem to all have. I don’t even remember high school, even looking at a yearbook.
If it helps, it doesn’t bother me at all. If it helps further, I’ve had people suggest additional therapy for it and I’ve chosen not to. Why would I want to remember things my brain is doing me the favor of blocking for me?
My wife has been going through EMDR therapy for a variety of issues she can’t block out and her therapist actually recommends boxing away memories the exact way I just happened to have done it my whole life. It’s kind of like large portions of my life are compartmentalized.
My overall advice is that there isn’t any additional support he may need, if he’s happy.
my childhood was incredibly stressful with some traumatic events occurring. i love my family and know that most of my childhood wasn’t bad, but looking back i can barely remember any of it. there will be little events here and there that pop into my head, especially if someone says something that jogs that memory. but overall, i have very little recollection.
for some people it’s related to trauma or stress. some people just don’t remember. it could be any mixture of things. just don’t push him too hard about it. he might genuinely remember very little or he’s not ready to talk about it.
There’s entire years I don’t remember and yet, during those years specific things that happened on TV or in the comic I read are etched in my mind. That’s because children seek and embrace happiness and will try to cover up trauma and pain in order to deal with it.
Imagine the mind as a wall where everything that happens is etched into it. Kids are happily putting up posters of things that they love to the point that sometimes those posters covering the cracks are all that’s holding the wall together. Meanwhile, the details beneath are forgotten because they’re not important or are being deemed less important (than comic books in my case) than the things that provide happiness.
In short, yeah, this is almost guaranteed to be a kind of trauma response. Based on what you’ve said it’s likely based just on misery (a child raised in an environment that is cold and not suited for a child) rather than abuse of any kind, but that in itself is sad. Having said that, the family themselves have something to them. Families that stay together but don’t communicate about things tend to have one thing in common with each other: a secret once told that was so bad it destroyed all wish to talk again but also tied them together. This would likely not have involved him, but would have affected the family and how they act around each other.
My psychologist told me that sometimes it’s just that the memories are so generic compared to some other events in our life that we forget them, so it’s not necessarily trauma-related
OP something bad happened and his brain forced him to forget from trauma. I know exactly how he feels. I remember daycare clear as day and then I have absolutely no memory from kindergarten to 4th grade. Literally nothing
I technically had a normal childhood but I don’t remember most of it because it was extremely lonely
Sometimes life changes so fast that you just forget. I only remember that in my 20s I used to be able to remember things up to when I was around 9 years old. A decade later and I can only remember things from when I was 25. I can recall bits and pieces before then but my life has changed dramatically and my brain just never worked to remember it.
I Don t remember lot of my childhood..my wife remembers all kinds things
.my kids .my brothers remember tells lots things we did..i just Don t remember..certain events I do.
But lot of bad things seams like?
Thank you all for the help. Your insight has definitely been informative as to how I can support him going further!
I have degrading memory myself and can’t recall certain events in my life. Nothing serious like names bithdays my wife. Small details and we think it might be due to a really really bad concussion inhad in high-school football. So bad I can’t remember the fall semester of my junior year
I have very little memories of my childhood (but do have some) because my parents were extremely emotionally neglectful (physically there, but that’s it).
Probably because he suffered or suffers from depression in addition to the trauma. Depression causes changes in the brain that affect memory retention.
It can be a trauma response, it can also just be that his life was mundane and repetitive so it all sorta blends together. Especially depending on his age.
Personally I experienced a lot of trauma, and because of that I have large empty gaps in my memories.
I have ADHD, depression, and anxiety, so I barely remember my growing up years. I believe trauma can affect memory as well.
It’s not unusual to be unable to remember childhood, even outside of trauma. If Im remembering correctly, the brain undergoes quite a bit of restructuring in how it stores memories either during or shortly after puberty. This doesnt mean they’re really ‘gone’ they’re just harder to actively remember, but can still be recalled indirectly.
IE, if you asked me about a favorite birthday as a child on the spot, I really couldn’t bring up anything, but if we were roller blading, it would be similar enough to trigger a recall to my favorite birthday was spent at an ice rink as a child.
Of course tauma can always meddle everything in complicated ways, but it helps to remember the human brain is just electric meat that lies to itself to maintain continuity and can be incredibly rediculous
I didn’t realize I was completely neglected throughout my entire childhood until I was in my early to mid 30s.
There was no outright trauma or abuse, and I also have very few memories of my childhood. It’s kind of hard to describe to an outsider. We had a house to live in, food to eat, clothing to wear. But my parents didn’t care about me or show interest in anything I did. The only conversations with them that I remember are where I was being scolded or shamed. I was left alone the vast majority of the time. And at the time, I loved it! Looking back, I am horrified that a young, bright child would spend entire weekends alone in her room and never be spoken to except for chore reminders, dinner reminder, etc.
I remember special occasions and holidays and the few vacations we took and stuff like that, but not anything day to day.
Trauma response. When you spend your childhood dissociated or hurt, you don’t form memories the same way someone with a safe home environment does. My memories of school are patchy, my partner remembers very little of his whole childhood and it’s foggy. Neither of us was abused in the way anyone would call CPS for, but it’s enough.
It definitely can be a trauma response, but it can also be a response to a mundane life without much joy, excitement, stimulation, or change. The days blend together then the years do, and the memories don’t stand-out.
Some people just do not retain a lot of info.
I could not tell you the name of any of my HS teacher let alone childhood teachers. I do not remember what my first house looked like or most details about the apartment I lived in til I was 13. I barely remember a lot about college and I’m only 28.
I have had some trauma but tbh… I also just do not retain shit. Maybe it’s the trauma, maybe it’s ADHD, maybet hat’s just not how my brain works for unrelated reasons. I would not worry abotu it unless it’s somehow massively impeding his life (ie cannot retain memories of current events)
I am 26, I don’t remember much of my childhood. No trauma or anything of concern, I just don’t remember. I have no idea why.
Some people block bad things and really can’t remember them. Or he really may. Or remember some things. Either way If he isn’t bothered by it I’d leave it be.
I don’t remember anything before around 11 or so and my childhood was super normal. I always thought this was normal but I suppose not.
I am not able to recall what dinners were like when I was growing up. I’m 35. It might just be a personal difference
No y’all screaming trauma at an absolutely normal human thing. Especially if autistic or with ADHD, memory is difficult to recall on command, but they’ll still say, ‘when i was a kid…’ because those memories are still there, just accessing them is different for many people.
Reasons why I don’t think this is trauma: You’ve given no other indication but bad memory. Sleep terrors. Panic attacks. Ptsd. Insomnia. Lack of appetite. None of these symptoms are present here. Nor has his casual attitude given any reason to suggest trauma, if these were repressed memories, it’d cause emotional upheaval to recall.
Let’s not jump to crazy conclusions, please. Not only would this be very detrimental if you accuse a partner of repressed trauma with no medical backing, it’s also damaging to those with PTSD and trauma, because this….. isn’t it….. it’s actually pretty disrespectful imo as someone with cPTSD (childhood post-traumatic stress disorder)
You need to take a step back and look at the big picture, familial relationships are different in every family, jumping to *trauma* is just… a lack of faith in your partner, in their trust in you.
If you want to support him, don’t bring up whatever this is….. and if it is something to do with a traumatic childhood….. please educate yourself before you cause more damage to an already damaged individual.
Trauma blocking is a very real thing, so it is possible that he had some kind of traumatic event as a child which locked away those memories. It’s also quite normal to just not remember them. Human bodies are weird, and rarely uniform, and the brain is no exception to that. There are some people who have great memories and can remember loads of their childhoods, and there are others who have poorer memories and have very few memories of it.
My parents got divorced when I was five. They were pretty good at co parenting, but I spent a lot of time getting carted back and forth between households on different sides of town.
My wife asks me these questions, what were dinners like at your house? What were your traditions like for <insert holiday>?
I literally don’t remember. It isn’t like my childhood was traumatic, but we didn’t really have routines like the nuclear family gets to create. The only constant for holidays was the drive between houses.
If your bf didn’t have a childhood with a lot of routine, those memories didn’t get created as strongly as yours might have been.