I don’t know how to feel about the whole situation really, it started as a crush on a girl who I knew was in a friends with benefits with my best friend at the time. I did not see myself as good looking or attractive and I was really good friends with this girl. I told her my real feelings but I did it out of closure, to move on and not feel this way. To my surprise she said that she considered it. I was happy to hear that, I never heard it from anyone especially from someone who was out of my league. It was good for a little while, until my Best Friend found out. He doubled down on her, manipulated her, and she had a many mental issues at the time so what had happened is that she became a puppy to him. Needless to say I witness the entire thing unfold. She would lie to her friends including me that she was busy when she would hang out with him, she was very talkative and spilled the beans about what they did in bed with me, broke our promise that when she went to a trip to Wisconsin that she would see me first but she broke it and went to see him, etc etc. Needless to say this is why I’m in therapy now. I’ve tried multiple things to help her get out of it but nothing worked. Nothing can convince her because she was blinded. Thank god they’re no longer together, she can finally get the help she needs. I will admit, I’m not a saint in this story. I’ve always loved her and I wanted just to have a chance at dating her. 2 weeks goes by and I said I will wait for her, meaning I’ll wait for her to graduate from high school, she’s 18, so that after we can have a chance. She rejected immediately, fine it’s ok but she continued to hammer me down. Giving me reasons why, saying I’m immature, she lost interest in me, doesn’t want my other friend to be a third wheel, nothing but excuses. After this I’m grieving with the loss since I gave her everything and I was the perfect guy for her and I even got her out of that situation but she lost interest and rejected me in the worst way possible. I was hurt, I needed to be alone and I tried setting boundaries but she ends up getting mad at me and she saw me as a form of therapy because she can talk whatever when it came to me. Now we are good kinda, she understands that she needs to work on her words better but also stop being so careless. I for one am trying to see her as like a sister but I am always reminded of the fact that I never gotten the chance with her and every time I’m lost in thought I get reminded of the times she would tell me about what they did in bed or how he called her a “good girl” just every single detail. I get a weight on my chest every time I’m reminded. Now I don’t know what to do, every time I talk to her about it I have to explain why I feel this way like she doesn’t know why people react like this. It’s beginning to feel like a chore sometimes to hang with her. I know I want to be close to her as friends but why do I still want to love her? I know I don’t want that relationship with her anymore because I know it won’t be good for me but I just loved loving her you know?
TLDR: My crush had a friends with benefits with best friend at the time and manipulated her. They are no longer a thing and I’m struggling with grief and also being her friend.
2 comments
OP. There’s lots of different possibilities here. So step 1 is to figure out your own desires.
Things that are constant and won’t change no matter what:
1) Continue with therapy. It’s crucial.
2) Your feelings are valid. ALL feelings are valid; not all feelings are fact.
3) You are worthy and deserving of love. Hard as it is, try not to compare yourself to others. You are perfect just the way you are. If somebody doesn’t see that, that’s their loss.
4) I highly suggest working this out with your therapist before taking any actions no matter what you want.
Now, the way I see it these are the possible outcomes:
You end up together and things are good.
You end up together and things are bad.
You don’t end up together and things are good.
You don’t end up together and things are bad.
You end up in a similar situationship as your friend with her and things are good. / things are bad.
The good / bad depends on you, your therapy, her, and your ability to see her behaviors and be honest about your expectations in order to make the right decisions. You also must be honest with yourself about if you see her or yourself being able to work out everything in a healthy way.
My last tidbit. This is unhealthy and toxic behavior, but if you’re only after the sex then it seems like that’s probably on the table. Just keep in mind that you’re both human beings with feelings and it may not be fair to you or her to resolve the situation this way.
Hold on, your best friend was seeing this girl as a friends with benefits, and you confessed your romantic feelings to her and she semi-reciprocated, then keeps going back to your best friend?
Protip, if you’re willing to do that, he’s not your best friend.
The best thing you can do is leave both of these people alone and get some space to yourself, consider why you fell for this girl then figure out how not to do it again.
Don’t go after women your friends are actively sleeping with, it’s very weird and doesn’t end well as you’re experiencing now.