How do you fix a dead bedroom?

8 comments

1. Takes work from both of the partners and it seems here only one is wanting to fix it.

   Yes there is marriage / sex therapy and all but both have to actively want to fix it and not just ‘meh’ it if that makes sense.

   wishing you the best of luck

2. Read your comment about your wife saying “I don’t want sex, and I don’t expect it to be necessary to the relationship.”

   That’s pretty unfair to you tbh.

   A) Sex is important for a lot of people in a relationship; it’s a very intimate way of bonding.

   B) Being told sex is only on the table, here and there, for you benefit, feels dismissive, ignorant, and lacking in empathy for you. I’m getting sex is an important bonding experience for you, since you’re still helping her and doing nice things for her.

   C) Your wife may very well be asexual, she could be depressed. It’s hard to know for certain.

   Honestly, it’s unfair to build a relationship with sex involved, then suddenly decide you don’t want it at all with your partner; I’m assuming you guys have had plenty of sex, especially starting off your relationship.

   At this point, I’d suggest a couple’s therapist.

   Hell, maybe she has hidden resentment. Idk. But a therapist can help you guys discover the cause of this. Worst case, you guys have changed as people and are no longer compatible. Best case, you guys learn how to communicate about this issue.

   Best wishes.

3. Therapy.

   It is completely unfair for one partner to stop meeting any of the sexual needs of the other partner and not allow them to at least get them met somewhere else. That is a soul-killing situation.

   Also – r/deadbedroom

4. Apart from your description, I’m not totally sure of your situation, so I don’t want to make any leaps. What I’m about to say is completely anecdotal so please take it with a grain of salt. You and your wife were really young when you got together, correct? Like, 19-21? My eldest sister was in the literal same position that you describe… except, the reverse. We grew up evangelical so we were pressured into marrying ASAP. So she married/settled down young, had kids, then had a dead bedroom some years in. They truly were in love the beginning, but over time it kind of just wore away steadily. The relationship crumbled because her (then) husband kept pressuring her into sex that she had no desire for. My sister initiated the divorce.

   She told me it was because she as a (then) 26 year old adult, no longer wanted what her 19 year old self wanted; her husband included. She told me she didn’t have much room to grow, change and discover herself. She said she felt kind of stuck in a life she chose as a child which led to her building quiet resentment for herself and her (then) husband. That obviously led to the end of her sex drive and ultimately the end of her marriage.

   This may not be relevant to you but this post caught my attention bc I’ve heard this exact situation before. I would suggest couples/sex therapy. Having a deep conversation with her is definitely necessary. I think with therapy, mutual understanding and time— you’ll both work it out. I wish you well.

5. `We both work, we split the chores evenly, I’m a very engaged parent, I compliment her and give her gifts, I show her compassion affection with spontaneous hugs and kisses and always try make her feel sexy and desired with comments about how she looks and yet if I weren’t to instigate any of it, I get treated like an estranged roommate.`

   not sure what better she’d be getting with sex. Any woman in her situation won’t want what you described to change. You are rewarding her behavior. The balance is likely in her favor (i.e. if you make more money than her you’re probably screwed, just not in the way you want)

6. Find out what her currency is. In other words what she values from you. If you stopped helping around the house and she gets upset then just tell her you’re no longer interested in helping out just like she isn’t interested in having sex. Stop showing her any affection. She is just playing you.

7. My piece of the peace ya never know … these are my thoughts this time … a different day and time could yield a different concept…

   Greetings, this is my Grand Master Chief application through progress to speak suavely about the vision of get wet with love. Yes sir sign says pimp because I love my sHoes. To white the piece:

   You need to become a hunter. Your marriage is not okay. Divorce could be loomong and brother it is time focus on getting what you need to be you because this can get costly if fail to develop as an aggressive hunter. Continuing …

   Do you need to hunt your wife? Do you need to dominate her? This becomes a complex question as prepare for a polyamorous civil conference. This is why I am saying hunter, because if what you need is sex and your wife is disinterested, will she hunt with you? Or will your instincts of man has sex with woman find you focused on charming your wife’s panties into your pocket.

8. Op you need to read a book called No More Mr Nice Guy it will give you some great insight in what you can do change your behaviour which may then cause her to change hers. It’s great when the partners doesn’t want to engage and at the very least it will give you great insight into where you went wrong. The biggest bit for you is covert contracts and choreplay you are doing stuff to get what you want and not being honest with your needs and then becoming resentful. When you can advocate for your needs without this you will be in a better position mentally. If she then doesn’t want anything to do with sexually then you can make a decision accordingly. The book is brilliant you will find you will only do stuff you want to do not because you think it will get you some action from your wife. Best of luck