So I (34M) started seeing someone intimately a while ago but she (30F) told me that she isn’t prepared for a relationship so we are friends but are still intimate every now and again so effectively a FWB situation.
The relationship between us has been somewhat one-sided, I would like to be in more of a relationship but am happy to continue as we are. I have tried to be a bit more balanced recently and not make loads of suggestions for plans and dialed back my texting frequency to try to carry on doing my own thing and meeting up roughly once a week or so.
This is where things change, my friend on 2 occasions said she might come over after doing something else but that it is unlikely and I should assume that it isn’t going to happen. She also mentioned that I shouldn’t change my plans for her but on these occasions it was always unlikely that I had plans and I think she knew that.
Shortly after the second occasion of suggesting to come over but unlikely, she subsequently said she would come over after work one night. This was much more a statement that she would for sure come over. I should mention here that none of these occasions have I led the conversation in saying she should come over.
On the day she is going to come over, she texts me to say ‘sorry she isn’t coming as she doesn’t feel very well’. I asked if she was ok and she said that she needed space and some ‘me time’. I have held off asking her anything further about it as I doubt I will get a proper explanation.
From my perspective, it now feels like she made plans then just changed her mind and lied about why and just gave me some crappy excuse which is intended to save my feelings but just ends up doing the opposite. It is making me question if she values me as a friend at all and if I can trust or depend on her if we continue to be friends. I should caviate the friend point that she has stated several times to me that regardless of anything that happens between us in terms of relationship and intimacy, she still wants to be friends.
I honestly don’t know how to handle this now, I felt like I was in limbo a while ago but started to get over that. Now I have no idea what is going on. There is an aspect to this that will mean this girl will be in my life in some capacity for at least the next 14 months or so which adds to the confusion.
TL:DR – I have a FWB situation where she told me to give her space when I thought I already was and now I don’t know what to make of it and if I want/deserve an explanation?
5 comments
>I would like to be in more of a relationship but am happy to continue as we are.
Why are you trying to make yourself okay with a situation you know good and well you don’t actually want? Are you waiting for her to change her mind?
She want fwb, you want more. End there.
You have an informal FWB like arrangement with no agreed upon boundaries. The opportunities for confusion are endless. She’s sees no obligations towards you
You can ask for clarification of what exactly is this “relationship” about. I’m guessing she will not have an answer that makes things clearer
Take a step back for a second: Where do you want this FWB situation to go? Do you think that you will continue hooking up with this person a year from now? Are you harboring hopes that this turns into an actual relationship? How is this impacting your search for other relationships?
Is she also flaky in non-sexual contexts? That is to say, will she flake out on you if you’re just grabbing coffee or some other activity?
Regardless of whether this is a regular friendship or a non-sexual one, I’d evaluate whether this friendship is reciprocal. By the way that you’ve described it, it’s not.
All your replies here state *you* don’t 100% know what you want either. You really need to think about exactly what you want, state that and see where the FWB/situation lies currently. Like your post said, *from your perspective* – If you don’t ask, you won’t know!