My wife is a nightly drinker, and has been on and off for most of our near 10 year marriage. 6 years ago she was raped at house party that we were hosting. She was drinking heavily regardless of my recommendation to slow down. I found the man in the act and threw him down the stairs, but she didn’t remember a thing.
In the years time that this has happened the rapist is in the wind, prosecutors refused to try the case because she couldn’t remember with alcohol involved. She did not handle it well at all. It has taken years to get where she is at, but I don’t know if what degree that is.
Like I mentioned before she is a nightly drinker. She also takes pot gummies for acute ptsd and everything else that comes along with it. Last month with her drinking, smoking, and pot gummies we spent $500. That’s with most likely me missing a couple of times as well.
I have told her before that her drinking is a problem. That I felt that it isn’t doing her any good. I don’t even expect her to quite entirely, but to at least roll it back. He latest reason to not do so is that her family are functional alcoholics in her opinion, and there’s nothing wrong with it.
Some highlights of problems I’ve had with her drinking. Nearly getting arrested at a campground on our 2 year anniversary, getting so drunk at a wedding she spilt so much wine on her dress, nearly falling into a bonfire at a music festival, randomly calling drunk friends at random hours at night, drunken fits at my work since it involves around bars and clubs, drunk driving, me calling the cops on her because I didn’t want to argue while she’s drunk (she still blames me for that one), and the list goes on.
Tonight she for some reason decided that a light argument we had a couple of days ago needed to be relit. As I told her I was letting it go, but that apparently wasn’t good enough. This was via messenger, and I asked her if she knew that I wasn’t trying to argue? I got no response back.
Roughly 90 minutes later I got home. She finished a call with someone (expected) and before I could even finish going to the bathroom she starts the argument again. Clearly slurring her words and unable to sit up in her chair. I told her I don’t want to argue and we can talk tomorrow.
Nearly two hours later and at least another 4 beers later she has gone through our entire relationship of what I have done wrong, what I’m currently doing wrong, and don’t care about her or her kids. I did not argue back since in past times that I have when she’s like this doesn’t go well. Essentially I say something and she counters with something to insinuate what I’m saying is wrong. This is including things like I’m sorry, I love you, let’s talk when you’re sober.
In the near ten years we’ve been together I have lost my main job of 11 years. Handled multiple jobs at the same time to pay bills and keep food on the table. As well as taking kids to school, picking them up, taking them to instacare and other appointments, and admit my faults and work on being better.
Through marriage therapy there has hardly been a mention of doing something about her drinking. She would strategically have another issue that needed to be addressed, and the therapist somehow fell for it everytime. We ended the therapy mainly because we couldn’t afford it anymore. Though I felt her drinking wasn’t taken seriously at all, and was never addressed.
So here we are now. As she loves to say that what she says while drunk is what she’s always wanted to say I feel I should call her bluff with it. I feel I have stupidly stood by her because she does some good qualities, but some habits can absolutely down them out. Just like I can say I love her, but this isn’t right for either of us, and I should now start thinking more with my brain than my heart.
It’s absolutely crushing, but I would imagine she feels she has done nothing wrong here.
27 comments
Your wife needs help, and you need to move on before she wears you down even more!
I’m sorry you are going through this
It maybe time for a brief separation…until she gets her sh*t together.
Having grown up with a mother like this, I ask you to please get your kids out of this nightmare. The damage of having an alcoholic parent is lifelong. Your children deserve better.
Take care of yourself. Know when it’s time to move on. Good luck
You haven’t asked for anyone to give input, but I’ll say as a total outsider to your situation, the fact that your story kicked off with a violent sexual assault plus excessively self-destructive behavior makes me take notice. Has your wife ever had individual counseling or anything after that happened? Do you two talk about what happened? How did that change things for her? How has it affected your interactions with her?
Functional alcoholism doesn’t exist.
r/ALanon
Sounds like you need to be done with her
Might be time to leave, but first try to get her help. Professional help is more powerful and effective than you telling her what to. Even if you decide to leave, she’s the mother of your kids and you still should try to get her help. Something is terribly wrong.
That guy that assaulted her is a lucky man that you showed restraint. Many people wouldn’t have been so kind to him as to only throw him down the steps. You are a good person. Hang in there.
I’m two and a half years sober, and I put my family through some of the same things your wife has put you through. I wish with all my heart that I had quit years earlier, before I had done so much damage.
In my case, I got a a second chance after getting sober and working a program, and I hav e repaired my relationships with my husband and kids. But it definitely doesn’t always happen that way, and you have zero obligation to extend her any more tolerance.
I do not believe there is anything you can do to “convince” her to quit. It’s a cliche for a reason – she has to want to quit for herself, and that will only happen when she’s suffered enough harsh consequences.
Do not feel bad about leaving, saving yourself and your kids from the destruction she is causing. It’s self preservation and it’s protecting your kids (if you have any). Maybe AFTER you are gone she will decide she needs to make a change – maybe not.
I’m so sorry, best wishes to you. May i suggest Al-anon.
She needs an intervetion, rehab and alcoholics anonymous. It’s a bad disease, seen it destroy relationships, families and friends many times over. You may want to consider on getting a seperation or divorce if nothing can be done and take the children out of the scene before it turns dramatically worse.
It sounds like it’s time for an intervention with hard boundaries. Decide what your rock bottom looks like and present it to her. Will you leave if she doesn’t stop drinking? Tell her straight up “either go to rehab immediately or I’m out” and always follow through. She knows that she can run all over you and that you will stay and take it. Show her you are over it and mean it.
Also, maybe suggest a physical with a medical doctor. Maybe seeing the health impacts will be a wake up call for her. It took my best friends husband to hear “if you don’t stop drinking you will die because your liver is shot” for him to really sober up.
What a waste of time.
It’s either her organs start failing on her or you realize she’s just not worth the effort – whichever comes first, which sounds like a tight race tbh.
Wow 10 years of this….. gez
Cruelty, Addiction, Infidelity, and Insanity are the big four reasons that people need to divorce. She checks all the boxes, if you think she hasn’t cheated, you are delusional, not even counting the SA.
I feel sorry for you. You are in a horrible situation. Mine was never as bad as this, you have infinitely more patience than I do. I’m not sure if that is good or bad.
For your own sanity, you need to leave.
I can feel just how absolutely done you are with her but also how sad you are to think about leaving her.
It’s obvious to everyone here that it’s alcohol abuse or addiction.
It’s okay to grieve the loss of your spouse, as she is definitely very lost right now. It’s okay to grieve in general about where she is at and where she’s put you at.
But also remember that you can’t force her to help herself. Sometimes the best help you can give someone is to leave. Perhaps separation is enough to wake her up. Perhaps not. One thing is for sure though, it’ll take something drastic to prove to her how wrong she is and even then she’ll only accept it if she wants to. Even if she puts her best foot forward right this second, recovering from this will take YEARS. There’s no way it’ll take months. There’s no way it’ll be just a year or two. Regression, mistakes, and discomfort are all part of recovery. Do you want to stick around for that? Do you even want to try knowing it may never happen? Do you want to wait for her for years to get it together and deal with all this in the meantime knowing it may be unsuccessful? These are the questions to ask yourself. These are the realistic expectations you need to set. You also need to look at yourself and how long it’ll take you to recover from all she has done to you. Would you be okay to begin recovering knowing full recovery is dependent on her recovery? Would you rather go it alone and recover more quickly? It’s far easier for both you and her to recover and make changes when you are in a different situation with different variables. You put the same people together in the same place and old habits arise. You take that all apart and it’s far easier to make progress. Yet if you both work extra hard and really change and recover and make the difference you’d have a bond that could overcome anything.
Think on this, and be gentle with yourself. Prioritize your wants and needs over her’s.
I wish you safety and peace of mind as you navigate this. Best of luck
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Yikes… your wife needs INDIVIDUAL therapy and serious rehab. Not group therapy. Individual. I am pretty sure quitting drinking cold turkey when you have drank so much alcohol is pretty dangerous since alcohol is a depressant. If she were to quit cold turkey who knows what that would do to her heart and nervous system. I truly think she needs professional interference at this point.
She continues what she is doing because she has not had consequences severe enough to make her consider stopping. If you rug sweep, it is pretty much a green light for the actions to continue.
You need to take control of the marriage and may need to risk it in order to save it. It may sound corny, but this is like an infidelity. Instead of cheating with another person, she is cheating your relationship with alcohol abuse and needs to be shaken out of her “fog”.
See a lawyer and relay the details with any evidence available and have her served. She must believe you would seriously divorce her if she does not clean up her act. That puts you back in control. If she wants to save the marriage, she must meet all of your consequential demands. AA may be a necessity.
If she does not want to fight for your marriage, then she was lost to you and let her go. She may try texting your resolve and then come to her senses before the divorce is final.
You are an enabler if you allow things to continue as they are. Take control and rake a chance you could possibly create a good marriage or leave a disaster.
Look into EMDR therapy. It’s trauma therapy and it sounds like your wife is drowning herself in alcohol to not feel the trauma she went through. There might also be some other trauma that she has been through and can’t remember. We store our traumas away in our brain so we don’t have to deal with them but they come out with triggers like an emotional kick in the chest.
If she doesn’t want to do that, I would put her in a rehab and tell her you can’t handle this anymore and your kids deserve a sober mom.
But until she deals with the trauma, she won’t be able to function properly.
That is true, the only reason one that can stop her is herself
Your wife needs individual therapy asap. Some therapists have a sliding scale, if you can’t afford it. She was sexually assaulted. She clearly has not worked through these issues. I would recommend therapy first before you undertake divorce or leaving.
Best advice I ever heard as to video them when they are drunk and show them later.
I grew up in an abusive environment. As an adult, I’ve struggled with alcohol and substances until 2 years ago (I’ve reduced to social drinking no more than twice a month). If it helps in anyway at all.. alcohol and subst were a way for me to escape. Bad memories, ptsd from sa, abandonment and neglect as a child, violence i faced as a child.
I feel like your wife needs mental support from a professional, to help her sort through her struggles. I was terrified to know that she was raped. And to not remember it must feel incredibly traumatizing.
It is not fair on you and your kiddoes, and her too, for her to go without therapy.
In my experience, the anger/rage as an alcoholic often springs from self-guilt that we try to hide. It’s severely unpleasant for the one at the receiving end, to say the least. The rage could also be rooted in the rape she survived – it took me a long time to learn to control the rage and I’m still learning, so it mustn’t be easy for her.
That being said, i realize that this is absolutely not easy for you at all. Taking care of her, and the kids, it must feel like a lonely journey, which is unfair on you. Perhaps it’s time to have The Conversation. Set a boundary. Give it time. Give it two chances at failed attempts. Ultimately, the decision to leave will be yours to make. You deserve peace.
I haven’t seen many comments mention the kids. If there is a way to get them out of this environment, please try to do that. You can recover from this relationship, but watching their mother in this addiction and I’m sure also fall victim to it will damage them for so many years to come. I had an alcoholic mother and I’m still in therapy trying to heal from her alcohol induced abuse.
It’s been years and she is doing everything possible NOT to change her ways. She wants you to just deal with it and let her live how she wants.
If that’s what she wants then leave her and file for sol custody. She can be drunk on her own.