I (29f)have been married to my partner (31m) for over a year and been together for 7 years. He has never been a very romantic guy, buy early in our relationship we had great sex and even got experimental. Since we started living together 5 years ago his sex drive has gone down. On average we have sex about twice a month. Lately it’s been even less. In the past three months we’ve only had sex once. I will try to initiate sex and I always get shut down. Last night when I was trying to be initiate sex he told me he is doesn’t want to have sex at all. He said he wants to work on himself and get in shape and eventually we will have sex again. I always tell him I love him for who he is and that I am attracted to him but it doesn’t make a difference.
Even though he says it has nothing to do with me, I can’t help but feel like he is not attracted to me and I’m really hurt by it. The no sex combined with zero romance makes me feel like I have a roommate, not a partner.
We both have had a lot going on this year, so I understand it may be hard to connect and be sexual. I just don’t know what to do anymore and how to address the issue. I don’t think he is cheating on me. Idk what I can do to spark our sexual chemistry again.
25 comments
Has he been to a urologist and had his hormones and blood levels checked?
This is a case where the two of you need to sit down and be prepared for a series of potentially difficult conversations about the role of sex (and romance) in your relationship.
The fact that you “feel like I have a roommate, not a partner” is something to bring up. Literally, just say it like that. And then see what his response is.
It’d be irresponsible for any of us to guess what’s going on. This is something the two of you will need to figure out together, not so much the “cause” but where you can go from here.
And I’ll be blunt: be prepared to discover there’s no “solution” except to agree to part amicably. I’m not predicting this will be the case, only that it’s one potential outcome you should be mentally and emotionally prepared for. People who can never imagine leaving their partners over a lack of sex are people who end up, years later, filled with regret that they didn’t.
Has he had issues performing in the past?
This sounds very like he’s trying to not tell you about a problem he’s experiencing.
You need to sit down and have a conversation about this, tell him you’re worried, approach it from an angle of concern.
Tell him you won’t love him less if he has a problem, you just want to know because you’re worried about him, you know he’s not OK. And you’re a partnership, whatever he’s going through he can tell you and you want to be there to support him.
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“I’m working on myself” is another way of saying “something is wrong with me but I don’t want to go into detail”.
1. Talk
2. He needs tests
It could be a lot of things such as low T or depression, blood pressure issues, etc. There’s a lot of reasons he could be feeling this way which is why you guys should have a neutral discussion about your needs vs his ability to meet them & ways you can at least try a few things that might help him not only get his libido back but give him long term relief for other symptoms, too.
At minimum I’d say hormone testing/PCP visit & a therapeutic screening for mental health factors.
He may have depression.
Has he gained weight, showers less, doesn’t want to do anything most of the time?
Is he under stress, anxiety, anything new in his life when this started to happen?
>He said he wants to work on himself and get in shape and eventually we will have sex again.
That sounds like depression to me.
A lot of times men feel as though even though you yell them your attracted to them they still don’t feel attractive. Most men feel like a shell of the person they used to be and like they have somehow let you down. This could be as simple as his confidence is lacking.
This is literally me right now. Going through exactly the same thing with my partner. We both have a lot to work on for our own self confidence. I used to be highly sexual and so did he, but in the last year we must have only had sex like 10 times. Idk what’s going on for me, but I hope you find something to help your situation. I’m going to follow this thread xx good luck xx
Sounds like he’s depressed and looks at himself as ugly. Probably hates to see himself naked. Which completely flatlines his libido, hence why he says he needs to get in shape first and then you’ll have sex again.
Everything’s a mindset, and he needs to work on that with you through communication. He can get in shape but also view himself more positively. Confidence is key in life and if you’re not confident about yourself you’re not going to have a high sex drive.
I have a similar situation. Been with my partner for 5 years and our sex life has slowed quite a bit, like it’s been 3-4 months based off my menstrual cycle haha. He feels horrible that he hasn’t been in the mood much lately. He says it’s been since the weigh gain, which I totally get because my libido has slowed for the same reason. I told him sincerely that I’m starting to get anxious at the thought of us having sex again since we haven’t been intimate in that way in so long. I know that sounds a bit dumb and it’s just like riding a bike (pun intended) but the other day it seemed like he was making a very subtle advance while cuddling but I kinda ignored it because I can’t shake this anxiety or fear or whatever it is. Anyone have advice on this?
Been there. Open, frank communication & practical, immediate depression-fighting techniques were the only things that helped.
Did he start or stop taking any medications?
I’m dealing with this exact scenario with my girlfriend of 7 years. She has no drive and tells me that it’s not me, but it very much starts to feel that way. I’ve even said the same thing to her–it feels like I’m living with a roommate, and not a romantic partner. Talking about it never does anything because it’s either completely ignored or turned into a fight.
Tell him what you tell us, calmly
He might want to get his testosterone level checked as well.
Bro has depression
I went through a period like this where I didn’t want to have sex with my husband because I was stressed, gained a lot of weight, and it wasn’t enjoyable for me during sex because I’m too in my head. This lasted 6 months but he never made me feel bad and eventually I felt better mentally. (note: I lost 2 dogs in 1 year and that messed me up, I gained a lot of weight from depression, eventually I pulled myself out of it by playing tennis and going to the gym… I haven’t lost the weight but I am having a great time. My husband and I have sex multiple times a week now. I was just in a little funk and was very thankful he was so patient and understanding.)
My advice… Let your husband go through whatever he is going through. Stop pressuring him. Stop making it about you. It’s not about you it’s all about him. It annoyed the hell out of me when my husband tried to guilt trip me in the very beginning of my mental funk.
I promise it’s not you I have the same issue with self confidence. I used to be in shape and lean and married way above myself. But after a severe bout of depression I totally let myself go. Gained a ton of weight and can’t perform like I used to anymore w.o feeling like a dying whale. It has absolutely tanked my sex drive between me and my wife and I am trying to get back in shape, and get back to that place but it’s hard. Anyway the point is, he probably thinks your drop dead sexy and fantasizes about you. It’s himself he doesn’t like or thinks that he’s not good/attractive enough for you. Even though you tell him otherwise. It’s hard to get out of your own way and head when you start thinking like that just talk to him. Ask him what he needs what he wants help with transforming himself etc.
Have you had him tested ? His hormones may be out of wack.
My gf and I stopped having sex cause I didn’t want to. I would take viagra to make me even half hard.
The first year of our relationship was great sexually. Then it was dead.
I got my hormones checked and my levels were horrible.
Been on testosterone therapy for a while now and while I’m not 100%, it’s definitely improved. We went from once every 2-3 months to 3-4 times a month. She still wants it to be 3-4 times a week but hey we are working on it together.
Thank you all for the comments. I will be talking to him today or tomorrow more to figure out if there is a deeper issue.
When it comes to weight, he is 5’7 190lbs, I am 5’6 150lbs. Both of us are health conscious and have been regularly going to the gym.
I recently have started taking antidepressants which have helped me a lot. I can tell is is struggling with something but is not a fan of prescription medications. We both have been working on ourselves spiritually as well.
He is an active and social guy which is why his low sex drive is confusing to me. He has not been tested or seen a pcp in a while so I am going to suggest that.
Again thank you everyone for your input.
Also, please stop private messaging me for sex.
I recommend a book called Mating in Captivity. The author presents why desire declines in relationships and how to prevent the decline.
Starting working out together when you both get in shape you’ll be happier and easily have a high sex drive with one another. Plus plus. I love watching my man when he’s working out
I would bet his testosterone levels are down. I would recommend him to see his doctor to get blood work done. Trt therapy does wonders to someone’s sex drive
He’s attracted to you but he wants to be in a position where he feels worthy of attraction himself. Right now he feels ugly and insecure and he doesn’t see a way in which you could be attracted to him and so he rather not be naked around you right now. How about maybe working out together or changing lifestyles together? It’s an intimate activity you both can do, you can be accountability partners, get to know each other in new ways, spend lots of time together. All of that could build his self esteem up and eventually lead to the results you are looking for. However if you cannot deal with this situation and feel like you cannot stay with him for the time he needs to go back to wanting sex then for the sake of both of your feelings you should break up. You do not deserve to feel undesired if that’s a deal breaker for you but he also deserves a chance to become comfortable with his body.